Wow! I appreciate the insight. You have been very helpful in confirming some things that I was thinking on today. I was thinking about these things after C today. I have not been patient enough and have not given her the chance to heal and time necessary to decide what it is she wants. I know that she wants to see if it can work even if she is going about it in an unusual or irrational way. It may be the only way that she knows how to try. During our M I was a non-existent partner. I always had to be right and I was never around. I was always working and did not spend any time talking with her or spending time with just her. I did not validate any of her feelings because they were different than mine. She felt as though I did not care about her until she left (her words). I am assuming that my 180 should be to do the opposite of those things and hope eventually she will come around. One thing that I see that you guys have suggested is to do more of GAL. I may need to go bowling more. I may need to go see movies by myself if necessary if she declines to go with me. I have been going to the gym a few days a week but maybe I need more activities. I have always wanted to learn how to play guitar but I feel that if I pick up too many activities then she may feel as if I am not available to her just like it was in our M. I have been spending time watching TV with her and rubbing her back the last two nights. I just offered and she said OK. I did not ask her if I could she just came over to my couch after I offered. We have been watching shows that she enjoys. We actually had much better conversation after work today than usual even though she is sick tonight. I noticed it and hope it continues. We will see.
I had two thoughts after C today. I thought about making a list of my needs that I have and also develop a list of activities that we could posibly do together and present those to her. She could then choose to fulfill those are some point or not. At least she would then know what or how to approach fulfilling my needs. If she did not try to fulfill them then she truly would not have tried "everything". It may even encourage her to develop somewhat of a list or maybe a verbal list of some things that I could do to help her feel loved. I don't want to "box" our relationship in or schedule it down too much otherwise she will think I am trying to "fix it". I was going to present it in a manner that would let her know that I had been thinking about some needs that I have had over the years and that I would like for her to know about. What do you guys think?
I also need to have a conversation about the OM at some point. I feel as though she had not disclosed all the details of it and thus I feel as though I cannot move past it until she aswers some questions. If she is willing to answer some questions then it might help build trust between us in a way. I know you guys think this is a bad idea but I just have a few unanswered questions and if I get the answers (no matter good or bad) then I could work on complete forgiveness and put it past me. I don't want to know detailed phone or e-mail conversations regarding the EA but I do need to know if there was any physical contact when he was in her hotel room in April. It makes a difference to me. I am working on forgiveness but I am only human. I would then commit to her that I would try real hard not to bring it up ever again so that she would not feel as though she woould be paying for it forever. This is selfish but not knowing is killing my desire to move forward. I thought that I would approach this after the new year. I am not sure that I should even do here but I do need to know if she is done with the EA. Is that not fair? Any thoughts?
ME-30 WAW-28 T-12yrs M-5yrs no kids Bomb 10/1/07 S-10/1/07
