backsliding

[EverydayMike]

whell after a somewhat friggin awesome summer things seem to be stuck and gettinng worse.
I initiated couples counceling a few months ago because we never seemed to be able to talk without fighting. I aslo required more intimacy. NOT just SEX, but intimacy. you know holding hands. snuggling, closeness and the sort. The sex is {was} great. there just seemed to be something missing. She's allways been this way I just never forced the issue as she was raped at a young age. Whell to tell the truth I would just drink when she rejected me. I'm 13 months sober now, and trying to put everything back better than it ever was.
It's been a very hard year. Her affair. My alchoholizm. the divorce busting. all that crazy stuff.
Whell this summer was awesome. real closeness. just snuggling on the couch, falling asleep in each others arms, all the good stuff. and yes an abundance of awesome sex.
Whell Ever since I pushed her into counciling two months ago. she Clammed up. She sais All I'm here for is SEX. whell no, the sex is {was} great. It was the intimacy part I was longing for more of. But now there is no more sex. and even less intimacy. It feels forced and fake. the kisses are ho-hum. The ily's are mumbled.
She says you cant snap your fingers and turn me into something I'm not. {Intimate snuggly type} She says I just make it worse bye pouting, and getting pissed off. Whell, I'm reeeeeally frustrated.
I think bringing up the rape. and the past really hit a nerve and since I'm not drinking anymore, taking No for an answer is abit harder to swallow. Whats wrong with me i think? aren't you attracted to me? do you "REALLY" love me?
She says it's not you, {ME} it's ME,{her} I just don't feel attractive. I don't Feel like "JUST" having sex for the sake of "doin'it' or cuddling.
She was on prozac all summer and suddely she stopped it about two months ago. Whell today she's back on it, and I'm on welbutrin { at dr's advise} to keep My mood stable { no more alchohol to hide behind}.
I tend to look for the negative in everything. I constantly snoop, Check phone records, every time the phone rings I think its OM. and Negativity breeds more nefativity. She can tell My insecurities and fear and that is just making everything worse. "you don't trust me", "I'm here aren't I" etc..
I'll admit I'm a bit impatient. I want results and I want them now. Hah....

Just seems like were backsliding, or stuck.
It's very frustrating given the wonderfull summer we spent as a family and lovers again after years of missing it.

[cat03]

so sorry to hear your backslinding, sounds like she still had issues, is that why you pushed C? I'll for counceling, but if she wasn't ready for it it's wise not to push it again (I had to give up a great MC because my H wants another one, fine, so he'd feel more comfortable).

Sounds like her beeing off prozac affected her big time, I hope that the meds do their job and help her feel better about herlself.

She can tell My insecurities and fear and that is just making everything worse. ..I'll admit I'm a bit impatient. I want results and I want them now. Hah....

I totally hear you, I also was like that before, checkign pockets and stuff, I stopped doing that altogether, my H has been trying to be accountable and is good at calling me and letting me know where he is, I realized it was a malady I had to cut from the bud, snooping is very toxic.
For more "I want results now" check my thread, I've also pulled my hear and cried for the way my M has been after I found out about my H's 2nd A with same woman.

I used to push the "feelings will follow actions" on my H, since he always claims he just feels this gap between us and just couldn't force feelings for me. I know, it is very hurtful not to feel loved, but you must learn to let go of the rope, she must come around of her own accord, pressure wont' make her love you any faster.
It's taken me months of agony to understand this (i'm not fire proof but I'm in a better place) I will only take what my H can give, and will remember the damage I did to my M and understand my H feels scared to trust again and not ready to open up.

Because you love her so much you must let her off the hook, if you are about to snoop or be pushy about her being loving to you, ask yourself "is this making things better or worse?", most times, the answer will be "worse". BTDT.
She doesn't feel you trust her, thus she doesn't feel like letting you be intimate with her, being intimate is opening your most vulnerable areas of yourself to the other person.

Be her safe place, try to be her safe place, fear is your worst enemy. I've made my peace with the A crap, if my H happens to be seeing ow again who's the looser? him, for being a liar, he will loose his family, I will be left with the knowledge that I did my best and years from now I'll look back and have no regrets that I gave it my all.

[EverydayMike]

Thank you that is very sound advise.

I will try to be more patient. Things weren't screwed up overnight they won't be fixed overnight. I've since shredded all our home and cell phone records. Asked her to change the cell phone online passwords. out of sight out of mind.
I've also promissed myself NO MORE SNOOPING!!! I hate the feeling something is up, and I can allways find something if I look hard enough, but It's really only torturing myself. I can't let it have that power over me.
Who is she on the phone with? who is she chatting with online? these things are controlling me and obviously making things worse.
I just need to let go. But it feels like there is a fine line between letting go and giving up. Well, maybe the line is larger than I think but I guess it just scares me a little given whats happened in the past.
It's a huge leap of faith.

[cat03]

But it feels like there is a fine line between letting go and giving up.
==================================
What you are letting of is insecurity and fear, giving up is to thrown in the towel and walk away, there is a difference.
Yes, it is a huge leap of faith, I always pictured it as the Indiana jones movie in which he has to walk on a path that's there but he just can't see it, he closes his eyes tight, winces and steps into the unknows, it is scary, but necesary. Fear will be like a dragon trying to get in your way, u must fight it every day.