Trusting and short1, the DB C told me that I needed to do things to reduce anger. So if your H is doing things that annoy you, try to find ways to get around that situation so you can start seeing him in a better light.
For example, this meant that for me, I needed H to care for D2 at his apartment, because when he was in house, he has been leaving a mess. He wants to be here again; I am going to tell him I don't want him to be here because he leaves a mess. Also I found I like the privacy. I can't be friendly to him when I am actually angry about the mess he is making and the fact that I feel taken advantage of.
That is why it is so important to GAL--it gives you a chance to develop some distance. Then you can see if you have a chance to be friends.
I'm saying this but that doesn't mean I have been particularly successful in implementing!
Last edited by breton39; 12/08/0703:27 PM.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I think there are many occassions our H's want to ask to come back or reconcile. They have no courage to do this because they know they don't deserve it. They are so afraid. When the anger is gone, they can rebuild their courage.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Well, I told H that I don't want him to care for D2 in the house when he has some time off. He was upset, complaining that his apartment is too small & that he is not going to spend more time caring for her because his apartment is too small. Which, somehow, is my fault.
Didn't upset me (as it would have before, so that's a 180). Gosh, that does sound like a problem, doesn't it???? I was not mean but I had clear boundaries.
H will not take the time to go see D2's Christmas program. I will be the only one attending alone--my family is too far away to visit for such things. =( Well, H's loss.
I suspect that:
a) the day H wanted to come over here is OW's day off and maybe H doesn't want to be around her w/D2 or (the thing that worried me) he had her IN here which I cannot deal with, and/or
b) he just wants to do laundry here cause hauling laundry when you live in a tiny apartment isn't so very much fun.....
I did buy him a chair for her and he has eaten a few meals with us recently, but basically he's still deep in the tunnel so I continue to keep expectations at zero.
H, who has always been rather negative but really fell off the deep end in MLC, gets his wish!! He doesn't have to deal with boring friends and family and he can spend Christmas w/crazy dream girl. He doesn't have to travel (something he complained about) or be bothered with buying presents or spending time with my family or his family or ANYONE.
No talk of D for a while but it wouldn't surprise me if he foists something on me again soon.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Do WHATEVER is necessary to take care of yourself and your child and although this may shock some, in that order. You may be all she has at the moment and you must take care of yourself so you can take care of her. It's sobering to realize you may be all your daughter has for a while, but that realization can motivate you to do what needs to be done.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
I like how you are setting boundaries. Keep that up. He will eventually respect that. He has no boundaries now.
Too bad he does not like it. It is his problem. One of the consequences for his actions.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Oh, I was going to add: At day care, H said that a kid said "You don't look like D2's dad--you look like her grandaddy!"
I just laughed. H is unshaven and unkempt and that does make him look old. I think it bothered him--grandaddy and girl child off in apartment, while D2 needs him.
If I do say so myself, I am looking pretty good in comparison.
Sleeper--I am doing a little better; hope to be through the worst of the pain tonight. I agree that I do need to do what I can to take care of myself first but it is very trying. I may have to take off work again, sigh.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
