Hope you are doing good. I have so much threads to keep up to.
I was absent because I've been having a hard time. I caught my H on the act checking X-rated movies, he didn't notice I saw it. Decided to obey the 48 hour rule but couldn't help to snoope. Found out he's been checking them a lot and it was going on since I found out about the PA. We've ML sometimes but recently it stopped again. After considering things for a while I decided to write him a confrontation letter so he could read it all before getting mad. Wrote I caught him in the act but did not tell I was snooping. Asked him to seek serious help because of his problems, that the C he's been through was not working, of comiting to real women and wrote I thought it was an addiction. Tried to make the letter as by DB rules as possible. He read it, denied it, went mad, then assumed it and said it made him sick that I could think he had an illness. He said he would leave, he couldn't be with me like that, then he said I shouldn't do it this time of the year and that I could have waited to confront him. Changed his mind about leaving but said he just could not simply start to have strong physical attraction for me like that. I told him we couldn't move on without a 180 turn on this area of our marriage and his mind set. He agreed to do the 180 but said he was fearful of not having sucess with it.
Finaly I did it wrong again and snooped and found out he did it again the very next day of our conversation.
This time I forgot about the 48 rule, gathered all my evidence and confronted him. He was so in shock that he couldn't get mad, just repeated he did not do it. I asked him to leave this time and then he admitted it all but said he didn't have an addiction that it just turned him on. I said this was an A, a parallel life still. He said I knew all of his dark side, he was ashamed and felt uncomfortable in his own house because he was being investigated. Blamed me a lot for that. He packed but couldn't leave though. I told him that eventually we would have to deal with the fact that the M was going nowhere like this that I wasn't a quitter but I could not do this alone. I would give him space to think about it but I would no longer cope with this situation, the lies and that I was moving on with or without him and that I did not care anymore about his anger feelings towards me.
He said we both could not comit to our M. Him with his parallel life and me with the snooping. He told me he was becoming paranoid with all the snooping. That he was shocked by how much sofistication I had in my snooping. I could just say now you know how it is to be in my shoes being paranoid about your lies. he just dropped the bags and we talked a while about how we did not know how to turn this around. It ended friendly and we said we both needed to give it a thought.
I don't think we can move on if he can't find help. I don't think he can do this alone because he does not admit he has an issue. I cried my eyes out, more than ever before because I sense the end. How can I compete with a virtual universe where everything is perfect and there are no expectations and no mistakes. How can I have hope? When enough is enough? I wish I was stronger like so many of you guys.
You are strong. You are very strong to confront him the way you did and stick to your guns. You are right. I think this is an addiction or a sickness of some sort. How he can deny it when you both know it's true is incredible.
I think it might help for you to talk to a marital counselor on your own, to see if you can find someone experienced with dealing with these porn situations. Perhaps someone can give you an idea of what kind of outcome is possible.
I'm sorry he is so lost. I think he was counting on his belief that you could not leave him. He said it more than once. You are very strong to stand up and say you will not put up with that.
HAL- I agree with Sara. You are strong. As strong as some people feel at times, I think we all have our times that we break down, a little or a lot. We all admit that this hurts like hell. You did a great job.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
I once read something that you should join him in viewing porn.. it might be less fun for him because its no longer something he is hiding. He might even get bored of it.
Perhaps that would be a 180 for you?
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
Thanks so much for your support. It really means a lot. I feel that I am a failure for snooping, for wanting to leave... for so many things...
Sara, Sue
Thanks!I have been talking to a MC and he said H can't comit to a real woman. He is emotionally distant. MC gave advise this is dealing with an addict, that I can only help myself. I can't help him. That hurts so bad. I would not mind my M ending if this meant he could be truly happy. I would find peace in that. I tried to approach him the best I could and yet to see someone this lost on something that should be so simple, so natural, so blessful, it's hard to rationalize.
H4C,
Thanks also! I suggested we could bring his fantasies to the M, the movies he watches are not anything extraordinary. I said I'd feel like joining him as long as I feel it's harmless. He said he can't do that. I guess you are right, he likes the unforbidden experience. He said he was not encouraged by his previous experiences to enjoy himself with no guilt.
He sent some poetry today (very, very unlike of him, but anyway, he's been doing that lately to cover his lies)that said we were perfect together and that we need to find our way back. He said himself that too during our conversation, that we are this shape that's becoming distorted and growing opposites directions.
I guess my wishful thinking now is that even if the M is lost, he could breakfree from his life restrictions that leads him to an unhealthy pattern.
But yet, I don't care as much about my M as I care for him to be happy and not sink lower into this.
Got a while ago a couple of phone calls of former employees who I coached and they had a promotion. I was so happy for them but felt like a fraud. I can't coach myself out of my M mess. can't reach my H. And I know it's because he does not want to and it's hard not to be a priority for someone who is a priority to you. Feel like a helpless teen craving for uncorresponded love. I thought that when we grew we were supposed to get over this part of life and knew better.
I am so sorry your H seems so unwilling to try and meet you halfway on this.
It's not something I have had experience of so I have no words of 'wisdom' for you. I do know from your postings though that you are a strong caring person and your H is lucky to have you.
Have you tried talking to a DB Counselor about any of this?
((((hugs))))))
saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I feel that I am a failure for snooping, for wanting to leave... for so many things...
Please, please don't think this. And, I have to also 2nd, 3rd, 4th, whatever number I am in line say that you are a very strong woman. You're not just burying your head in the sand and allowing him to do this to you anymore.
You are in NO WAY a failure for snooping. What your H is doing is hurtful to you, to him and to your M. There is no way that your M can be an open, honest and a truly recovered M until he quits doing these things BEHIND YOUR BACK.
As for leaving, if that is what happens, you can know that you did all you could to help your H and to try to restore your M. If he is not willing to help himself, this does not make you a failure.
As for him writing the poetry and saying that you two are perfect for each other, etc., just make sure you stick to your guns on this one. You have established your boundaries in this area and what is acceptable and what is not. If he is just going to try to act like nothing is still happening, continue to look at the porn, but want you to just sweep this under the rug, I don't think you CAN. I think in your heart, you will always feel uncomfortable in your M and wonder what he's doing behind your back.
He needs to understand once & for all that he cannot continue to do what he's doing b/c it's deceitful to you and your M. If he really wants you two to stay together and work on your M, I would say that you probably should INSIST on couples counseling and if he's won't do that, tell him that is a major deal breaker.
Last edited by RedHeadWife; 12/12/0710:47 AM.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I am sorry about your discoveries and your hurt. Sit down young lady and listen....you are not a failure for snooping. We have a need...a pull..to know what's going on. So much is in the dark with our situations. You are not a failure for not wanting to try right now. This is a past battle you have had and you know the hurt. Its normal to want to avoid the hurt. I am glad he isn't leaving. I think you guys still have a ton of hope. HUGS
