Just need some support.

[MaxP]

Hi,

Very brief overview of my stich.
Bomb on Easter Monday, ILYBANILWY (not sure our M is strong enough to survive moving abroad, having children, etc). Tried MC for 2 session in June / July. W doesn't want the R fixed, doesn't think about the R at all. Comes home late June an announces she's found somewhere to live (fantasizes about the 'single life' - hah!). Moves out 3 weeks later - no contact for a month. After that very little contact, all controlled by her. 1.5 months ago announces it's over, "the R doesn't feel right any more". Refuses to answer the Q about if there is anyone else, diguises her reason by saying if she's says no then I'll think there's hope. Been talking about steps to D since then.

Today I get a Christmas card addressed to her and a new man (I've been forwarding her mail). This is the first real evidence of a new relationship that I've come across. I feel devastated, angry and betrayed. I don't know how long she has been seeing him (an old University friend), but it must be a while if they're getting joint cards. I certainly recall her visiting the city where he lives more than once over the past 6 months.

Oh, been together for 10.5 years, married for 2.5 (she asked me!).

I'm in shock right now. I feel very hurt. Any advice about how people process this would be really, really welcome. I've always been too nice and helpful and at the moment I feel a fool. I internalise anger very quickly which in this case worries me. I need to deal with this rather than bury it.

No wonder nothing I did made a difference to her - I guess she had moved on a while ago. How could I compete with something new and exciting?

Please help.

Max (devastated)

[MaxP]

No, make that angry, hurt, crushed, confused, tearful, afraid and betrayed.

[Hurtin4certain]

Max... Im in the same boat... Not much you can do but detach and work on yourself. Get in the gym, eat healthy, buy new clothes etc. Do these things for you, not for her.

Also, get to the Dr. and have him prescribe anti-depressants, you will need them for the journey ahead.

Sorry you are here, welcome aboard the roller coaster ride from hell.

[MaxP]

Thanks for the support hurtin, I agree I need to work on me and know I will be ok. It doesn't stop me hating what's happened to me though. I feel like I'm 35 and have to start everything all over again. You know, I was really happy with her and totally committed.

In the words of a fellow Brit. Bollocks!

[SueS]

I feel like I'm 35 and have to start everything all over again.

Max-

Welcome to the board. I'm sorry I don't have a lot of time to post right now, but just know that you'll get a lot of great support and advice here.

I understand the feeling of being 35 & starting over. This is my H's 2nd A. Yeah, I'm going through this hell AGAIN. I was 34 the first time. I thought my life was over. It's not. I'm in no way saying that your M won't somehow work, but let's get the "35 and starting over" thoughts out of your mind, okay? 35 is still young. I'm nearly 40 and know that if my M doesn't work, as hard as it will be, I'll be okay and I'll find someone else that will love me. It will take time, but I'll be okay. And let's add that I have a D that will be turning 4, just after I turn 40. You'll be okay.

Again, I'm sorry for your hurt. I truly am. The pain sucks to have to deal with, but you'll make it. We'll help you.

SueS

[MaxP]

Thanks SueS, I know I will be ok and find someone else. That's life for some, and an opportunity. It's too easy to wallow some days. Like most here I feel I had found what I wanted and loved my W. I'm sad that she didn't feel it. It must have been hard on her. I know that I bare some responsibility for that. Still, I am learning so much and it is a time for growth. There is a bright side to this.

[Ohio_Mark]

No, make that angry, hurt, crushed, confused, tearful, afraid and betrayed.

The most troubling word above is afraid. All of the other words are OK. What I mean by that is that you need to move to a place where you no longer fear life without your wife around. You know, it is not only possible, it is likely that you will find absolute happiness in a life without your wife in it.

It is important that you stop believing that your happiness is dependent on the love and acceptance of your wife. It is not.

Is this an easy place to get to? Heck no!!! It took me six months!!! But you can get there? How?

1 - Stop pursuing. Do not contact her, and if you speak to her (in person or on the telephone), make sure that you end the conversation. The idea is to leave her wanting more.

2 - Do not tell her you are "divorce busting." Don't tell her about this website, don't give her books - in fact, don't talk about your relationship (past or present).

3 - Buy Divorce Remedy and read it. Start with page 124 (Last Resort Technique). Read this section, then flip to page 1 and read the book cover-to-cover.

4 - Post here often. Read what others have to say. Ask for help. Get help. Give help. Most of us here have been where you are, bro.

OK, that's enough homework for now. You have work to do. It will not be easy. But ask questions and seek advice. We are all on the same island here.

[NoCodeBlues]

I feel like I'm 35 and have to start everything all over again.

Max, I am really sorry to make your acquaintance under these circumstances. Tomorrow I turn 45 -- I am about 10 years older than you then and facing starting over. But it hurts no matter what age you are.

Do you have children? I did not gather you do. In a small way, that would be a real blessing -- it is so incredibly harder to detach when there are little ones involved. Please don't get me wrong, I would suffer a stroll through Hell itself to have the pleasure of being the father to my two sons, but I know that this ordeal would have been far easier to handle if it were not for the fact that we have two small children who have to experience this pain as well.

Blessings.

[MaxP]

No, make that angry, hurt, crushed, confused, tearful, afraid and betrayed.

The most troubling word above is afraid. All of the other words are OK. What I mean by that is that you need to move to a place where you no longer fear life without your wife around. You know, it is not only possible, it is likely that you will find absolute happiness in a life without your wife in it.

It is important that you stop believing that your happiness is dependent on the love and acceptance of your wife. It is not.

This is something I have been thinking about for quite a while. Accepting that my happiness has nothing to do with my W and everything to do with me. I am an independent being, was before, am now (and always have been).

On a related note, you realise how it is easy to let other relationships fall away when you spend time as a couple, some loss is only natural, but too much is a mistake and harms your R. That is something I allowed to happen and makes the sitch I am in more raw and lonely than it should be, especially when you lose friends going through this process.

One thing I have become aware of is how much we often get our model of what is a good relationship from our parents. My parents had a very happy R and spent most of it doing things together. Spending time with my W made (makes) me very happy, but I think that it does not match my W's view of a happy R. I recognise we both lost our independence and part of our identity because of this and this is very important. I also recognise that the two big issues for me are being able to argue and stand up for my viewpoint (i.e. assertive but fair) and being able to understand my needs and make requests of others. These are two things that are just as important inside and outside a healthy R and represent areas for growth.

1 - Stop pursuing. Do not contact her, and if you speak to her (in person or on the telephone), make sure that you end the conversation. The idea is to leave her wanting more.

I think I've been quite good at this already. Since she left I have not really chased her. Communication has been 50:50 in terms of initiation. However, I admit I wanted to meet up with her more than she did after she left. Right now I am torn between wanting to vent at her and not wanting to communicate in any form, but there are practicalities involved. What do most people do about them?

2 - Do not tell her you are "divorce busting." Don't tell her about this website, don't give her books - in fact, don't talk about your relationship (past or present).{/quote]

One of her problems since the bomb is that she hates me trying to fix things - i.e. us. She was aware that I was reading a lot when we were still together, but mostly tried to ignore it. R talk was an issue for me until the separation but since she left we've only really talked about the R when she has brought it up. I never do any more.

The thing that used to prompt my need for R talk is/was the need to understand why this has happened and why she has refused to work on our R since the bomb. She has only ever said that "it no longer feels right" and ILYBANILWY which I found totally insufficient. Discussions with Dom in another section of the forum have made me search my own recollections for answers. I can now identify several warning points in our R over the past 18 months, many of which I ignored or am responsible for. I feel I now partly understand the why. Yesterday's revelations regarding her new R has filled in even more of the gaps.

[quote=Ohio_Mark]
3 - Buy Divorce Remedy and read it. Start with page 124 (Last Resort Technique). Read this section, then flip to page 1 and read the book cover-to-cover.

I have it and have started reading it again. I was reading about the LRT earlier in the week - I guess now is the time.

4 - Post here often. Read what others have to say. Ask for help. Get help. Give help. Most of us here have been where you are, bro.

I have been active in we're separating, what now for a while, but this is a new place for me. At least things now make a bit more sense, even if I'm still unsure as to what's happened when.

OK, that's enough homework for now. You have work to do. It will not be easy. But ask questions and seek advice. We are all on the same island here.

It's good to have people to talk to, to bounce ideas off and who know what you're going through. I feel there are only a couple of people I know outside of this forum who have any idea or experience regarding what I am going through and that makes it very lonely. I am also very poor at making requests of others and tend to try to deal with everything myself. That is why this place is so important to me. It is an exception to my usual behaviour.

I am trying to detach and have been doing ok, but yesterday was still a shock. Balancing love and hope and reality and what is fair is not easy on the rollercoaster but I am trying. I still love her though, but I guess that's ok as long as I don't need hher.

[MaxP]

I feel like I'm 35 and have to start everything all over again.

Max, I am really sorry to make your acquaintance under these circumstances. Tomorrow I turn 45 -- I am about 10 years older than you then and facing starting over. But it hurts no matter what age you are.

Do you have children? I did not gather you do. In a small way, that would be a real blessing -- it is so incredibly harder to detach when there are little ones involved. Please don't get me wrong, I would suffer a stroll through Hell itself to have the pleasure of being the father to my two sons, but I know that this ordeal would have been far easier to handle if it were not for the fact that we have two small children who have to experience this pain as well.

Blessings.

NoCodeBlues, I feel for anyone in this position, even partly the WAS. I can't begin to imagine how hard it is to have kids going through this, it is hard enough as is. We were almost in a position where we could have had a young baby and that does not bare (sp?) thinking about (we had been trying for about a year prior to the bomb).

The only downside to not having kids is that you can lose all contact. That makes detaching far easier but really, once your S leaves there is no reason for them to have anything to do with you any more. There is no avenue for demonstrating personal growth and change. It has felt as if my W has had all the control since the bomb. Since she left she has serverely limited contact. Perhaps this is easier to deal with in the long run, but I feel there has been no opportunity or attempt to save our R. That's what makes me so sad and angry, it's felt like she's never given us a chance since I've been aware of how bad things were.