W still angry with me, but the intensity lessens

[Lanzo]

Arrrh !!! I just been reading a couple of posts and I think I've hit that middle ground where my DB efforts seem to be making inroads but W is still heading for the high road.

If I can use that popular expression "I've DB'ed my ass off" in the last few weeks and I've managed to quell W's open anger and aggression toward me, to the point where we can have a civil conversation. A couple of months ago W wouldn't even stay in the same room as me, but yes now we're in the same room and we can talk.

I thought I was making good progress and someone even posted and said "it seems like you have your ball in play and are doing good" but tonight W has packed her overnight bag and is out the door. I couldn't even say if she is meeting OM cos I don't snoop, but there's that little voice in my head trying to piece together all those bits of the circumstantial evidence to make.... Quiet !! (Big Stop Sign)

I tell you, you can detach, GAL, act as if, but there nothing to stop that feeling of your heart being ripped out when you see your W setting off to do whatever. All I could do was grit my teeth. smile and tell her to have a good evening. ****!!!! It feels as though I'm condoning everything.

OK glad to get that off my chest. Someone please post and tell me to forget OM and all the other stuff we tell people, I know the drill but just need to hear it.

Right now I am reaching out to someone on this board who has got through the initial anguish of the bomb, and has got a handle on DB principles and is applying them well, but know they are gonna be in it for the long haul. I think need a support buddy to help me through this limbo period, compare notes and encourage each other. Any volunteers.

Lan

[Lanzo]

Calm, take deep breaths.....

I'm having to re read all of this stuff to stop myself going in to a tailspin of self pity.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=596803&site_id=1#import
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=959663&site_id=1#import
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=423996&site_id=1#import

Outwardly, I think I'm holding up but my insides are really churning. Tonight I will be out to dinner with W and the IL's, at friends of the IL's. I'll have to sit there with W and do a big "as if", when this morning W strolled in, smile on her face like the cat that got the cream. I can't say or ask anything cos it's non of my business now, but you can't help but notice things that really get to you.

I know I can deal with things, I know I've been focussed, but I just feel now that I'm being made a fool of, a laughing stock. She's doing who or what she wants cos I'm doing nothing to stop it. Does she have no respect for me. I feel so impotent now in terms of our sitch.

Also, I think my sexual frustration is also driving me nuts, W had only allowed me full intermacy once this year, and the previous couple of years were no better. And now here she is spending night with OM, not saying anything, but not disguising the fact, getting what she wants. I ask my self is this what I'm fighting for.

I know we say never give up but I really feel like giving up. (but where does that get me).

OK gonna stop there before I get too deep, I've got to get myself back in gear try to stay focus and remain up beat for rest of the weekend.

[Lanzo]

This is a bump.

Also I'll leave a space for anyone to comment on my previous pleas for help.(feel like I'm talking to myself at the moment).





Gonna go to bed and summerised in my head this evenings events. I'll post again shortly.

[Lanzo]

Dinner with the IL's and their friends went well.

As we were waiting for our pick up, I was adjusting my clothes in the mirror. I hadn't noticed W was stood behind me but she said "I have to say this Lan, but you look very smart tonight". Wow thanks !!! working on me does work and W does notice things I do. That compliment gave me a big lift made me feel a lot better.

Interactions with W over dinner were good, we actually talked to each other and not just the other people.

Too be honest if W had not stayed out the previous night showing signs that she was with OM I would have said this weekend was good. If a take a positive spin, what if W wasn't with OM, ok if this was the case then the weekend has been good so far.

PS: If my previous posts have been a bit winey, its because I'm on this long journey and I feel as though I'm entering uncharted territory, on my own. I don't like it, and it's a bit scary. I see people who have come as far as me getting a breakthrough and I'm pleased for them all, however I can't see one for me anytime soon. Ah well back to applying my best DB principles.

[Lanzo]

Ok, this morning I put the disappointment from a couple of days ago behind me and got to work on some things which would get positive results.

I vacuumed the house from top to bottom, cleaned out the bathroom, and then got to work in the kitchen, washing a few dishes that were in the sink. W joined me in the kitchen and we chatted about the previous evenings dinner, D6, and a few various other things. We then got on to talking about our Christmas decorations, and those of our neighbours. (Here's the good part) W starts talking about how we can enhance our decorations for next year so that we are not outdone by the neighbours. Hmmm, it's good that she's talking about us and about next year so I have to take that as a positive.(another baby step).

All in all it was a nice low key chat with W, I guess the mistake some people make at this point is to now push for R talk. Part of me is itching to do that just to try and get a handle on where I'm up to in all of this, but I know I need to hold off.

I must remember to keep my expectation low and I will avoid disappointment. (I think that's right ?).


I'm still trying to get some interaction going with an experienced DB'er. I still feel as though I'm entering uncharted teritory. plus I've made 5 post in a row without any feedback.

[fb2]

I'm still trying to get some interaction going with an experienced DB'er. I still feel as though I'm entering uncharted teritory. plus I've made 5 post in a row without any feedback.

Sorry I'm not an experienced DB'er but I understand the lonely feeling. I'm confused tho' that you're separated yet W seems to hang around a lot despite her "wrath"?

[Pudmuddle]

^bump for Lanzo - Any experienced db'ers?

[Lanzo]

Hi Fb2

Thanks for taking the interest.

There are many reasons why the WAW will stick around and vent their anger on the LBS.

In my case (and many others) I am the obstacle between the WAW and her perceived happiness in another life with OM, but my DB efforts have created confusion in her mind. On the face of it I am still looking to be an attractive proposition despite feeling the full force of her wrath, but the lure of OM is a strong as any drug so things get caught up in an uneasy limbo.

Before finding DB I would at this point be doing all the wrong things, D & R talk, begging, pleading, trying to turn her round with guilt, trying to force her to admit to OM etc, etc.

The reason I'm trying to get talking again on this forum is, I'm past the early stages of the bomb, I know the DB drills, I am seeing some small successes, baby steps, but I want to talk with someone else whose in this middle ground. Someone who knows they are in it for the long haul, some who can help me along.

For instance I know I shouldn't focus on OM but it's not easy to block out thoughts of him and W together especially when she comes home from a "night out" all happy and smiley, this coming on top of the fact that over the year I have been denied intermacy. Also I know it would be wrong for me to go looking for something outside of the M.

Even now I get thoughts of things being all over and I want to start R talks just so I can get out of this sitch. This is where I need to draw on the experience of someone who has reached this point. Someone to say to me no!! don't start any R talk.

Anyhow I've just come across this inspiring post, this is the kind of thing I need to draw on daily.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1284655&page=0&fpart=1

I know I'm the only one who can get me through this but I'm looking to converse with someone and share sucesses and failures.

[Betterman]

You know, one of the best things that you can do is to be there, but not be a nuisance. If you can find that fine line, use it. This will drive the OM NUTS and eventually he will show his true colors and FREAK about you being around. The key is to not be a pest. Do NOT show up unexpectedly. This shows a lack of respect (even if you think she doesn't deserve any) and will be a negative to her. DO NOT be there when he is there. This way you become a mystery to him. Guys HATE having to fill in the blanks and we more often than not ALWAYS fill those blanks in with BAD stuff. Use that fact to your advantage.

Better yet. If you can do this, schedule a regular time to meet in private with your WAW; for lunch or coffee or whatever, and make that time about business. Just make sure that it's about something that won't cause stress or arguments. Make it for at least half an hour. DO NOT talk about the relationship EVER. The key is to make it about business. Do this until you can be certain that she is giving you signs that she wants something more. And then WAIT. Do not respond to those signs until she does them a few times over a few meetings. If you jump the gun, you're screwed.

What I can almost guarantee will happen is that the OM will begin to wonder what is up and then his mind will start working and he'll begin filling in those blanks. He'll begin to believe that you are "back in" or at least trying to get back in. He may even think that you are having a little tryst together. Then, like I said: he'll get jealous and confront her on it. She will more than likely tell him to F.O. because he will be acting "just like you" and this is NOT what she wants.

Then the real trick is to NOT call him a jerk or an idiot. Just be supportive of her if she bring the fact to you that the OM's being an idiot and LISTEN. Let her vent. Don't give advice or solutions or even opinions. Just say something like "Well, that must not make you feel very good." DO NOT say anything like "I'm sorry to hear that" because this kind of statement can be turned back on you with something like "Oh, I BET you are!" I have found that if you cannot find the words to say, it's always good to either say nothing at all or something like "I have no idea what to say to that" or just "Wow" or "OK." These are very neutral statements and usually cannot be turned back or into anything else.

And you may ask "did you do this?" Yep. Did he/they respond negatively. Probably. I never actually found out. BUT, I know that I am back in with her and THAT is what really matters!!

[Lanzo]

Hi Betterman,

I'm still around the house, when I found out W had re-established contact with OM, I moved out for 2 months. This gave me time to cry, scream, and fall to bits away from her view. Then I started to detach mentally, (I want my W, but I don't need her).

I've been back home now 2 months and I certain don't get in her way or bug her or anything like that. That used to really annoy her and she would nit pick at any thing I did to get a negative response from me but that happens less now. So on the outside we still look like a normal couple, but at home we are separated, we sleep in separated rooms, part of me just longs to be next to another body in bed just so I can feel human again.

W and I can make light conversation, but that took a lot of effort on my part to get there. We haven't yet got to a point where I can say to W lets go for a coffee or anything like that, because she still keeps me at a distance. But I think I understand what you mean by being there for her.

W has never mentioned OM, I only found his existence when I snooped, I don't snoop now but it seems now they meet up every 2 or 3 weeks or so to spend time overnight together, he lives in another town. I don't react to this but it cuts me up, a little voice in my head says "I know where you've been last night" and then I have to fight with my inner turmoil. OM has been around more than 2 years, so that's gonna be a tough bond for them break, and it doesn't seem like it will fizzle out anytime soon. So I need to get back to my DB best.

I'm so glad you've said to me never talk about the R because I've been feeling like saying, this will be our last xmas together, or dropping some hints like that to force some talk. Because at the moment I feel so lame, because I'm fully aware there's someone else for her, and what we once had as a M is gone. I want to feel happy again and bailing out now seems a good option at the moment but I need help to stay focussed and to drop those thoughts.

I work out, I've got myself looking smart and W has even noticed and complimented me.

Money has constrained me on more GAL activities, but over xmas season I have things planned with friends on going out and partying, so with that I hope to have fun and boost myself esteem. I'm still looking for other less costly activities , I'm sure I can find some soon.

Thanks for your support, I feel better now after typing this post and reading your sitch.