Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning

[Jeanette1120]

No sg, I do not think you were wrong at all. Every sitch has a different approach, bear has been outstandingly good.

My feelings are right now, my h is controlling and trying to control me. I'm thinking that h does not know how to deal with all of what i said on saturday. I guess guilt is good in some cases.

Controlling? Hmmm....I'm sorry bear, but I do not see this as controling at all. I see this more as you GAL and him afraid that you are. I see this more as he is afraid that you are going to be fine without him, and he is not going to be fine without you. Just my take. RCR is more clinical in her take on things, I am more....let's say, realistic. Hey...I love RCR, she was the first person I spoke to when I came aboard. I love her posts. But not everything can be so clinical.

We are here to give advice and support. No one can tell you what to do. You already know this.

The tree is just a tree bear.....you know what Christmas is really about. It will be ok. Just like Thanksgiving was.

Guilt is good in some cases. Maybe so. But don't let the guilt of the other party strengthen your thoughts of laying on more guilt. That is not healthy at all. I know you would never do this.....but just thought i would mention it.

Everyday is going to bring you something new and difficult to deal with, however.....if you just keep being you, once again, I will go out on that limb and say you will be ok.

Hugs to you my sweet bear

Jeanette

[phbear316]

RCR

Oh so true about me not having sex, H is have loads of it but me..nada..zip,,zilch..

Oh well

See SG, i feel the same way, maybe going off on him worked, maybe it didn't it just so hard to tell with my H.

Up and down over and under emotions, i'm starting to think i need a barf bag on this ride. It speeds up and slows down, goes up and over and down and around.

UGH

[Rollercoasterider]

Controlling? Hmmm....I'm sorry bear, but I do not see this as controling at all. I see this more as you GAL and him afraid that you are. I see this more as he is afraid that you are going to be fine without him, and he is not going to be fine without you. Just my take. RCR is more clinical in her take on things, I am more....let's say, realistic. Hey...I love RCR, she was the first person I spoke to when I came aboard. I love her posts. But not everything can be so clinical.

And I don't see controlling either--I agree with you Jeanette.

My concern is that Bear will interpret her husband as controlling because it is what she expects--she will see what she wants or is expecting to see.

[phbear316]

Jeanette

Maybe you are right ( of course you are) I don't know if he is trying to control me as much as he is trying to control the whole situation. H jumped off the couch this am and ran out for the mail, i could really care less at this point. What am i going to see, the credit card bills for hotels he is taking her to. I did notice that last week we got our credit union statements, mine was unopened on the table. H's was gone. I sure he did not want me to see all the money he has taken out of his savings account to spend on her. Good as long as it does not come from the joint account, could care less. But i know it comes from the joint account. H is stupid in some ways, he will just use any card he pleases, that's why the rush to control the mail.
So i think i mean to a point he is controlling or trying to control some things like the mail. Like the invitation to the wedding from sat. Someday I will be home and get my paws on something good, then maybe i wont. can't tell can't worry about it

No i do not want to use guilt for good, it just for right now it more truth than guilt. Maybe the truth is hurting him? Again can't get in his head, and right now i don't think i really want to. I think h should not cancel his therapy appt this week if he knows what is good for him. But i don't hold any candle to the fact that he will keep or break the appt. I feel he needs to speak with his therapist about what i said on sat to him. Just waiting for him to tell me he is going to fla, lets see will he wait till sat or sun when the flight is tues?

Do you think i should say what i stated in my evening post, If i must let you go to florida for xmas to clear your head, the i cannot stop you, (the line i want to say after that is just remember that i love you)

What is you imput? Jeanette

I wish i felt the same that you do that i am doing a great job, just feel numb, did you feel this way? and does it go away? I feel love for my h, true deep soulful love, but it is sinking to the bottom, and emptiness is floating on top. I need to replace the emptiness with hope, because hope floats. (one of my favorite movies side note)

I have a dept xmas party to go to on friday i was not going to go but guess what i'm a going. Do i tell h at all? he will expect me home at dinner, do I tell him i have plans. Even though h is with her he does always tell me he is "going out"
Do i tell him i am "going out"

I could also bring him but no. and i hate having to say that, because i want him to go, to see everyone and have a good time, but why, your only stamping on my heart and lying to me, why should you deserve for me to pay money for you to come to my party as my guest. I'm not going to any of his.

((hugs))
bear

[Jeanette1120]

Controlling? Hmmm....I'm sorry bear, but I do not see this as controling at all. I see this more as you GAL and him afraid that you are. I see this more as he is afraid that you are going to be fine without him, and he is not going to be fine without you. Just my take. RCR is more clinical in her take on things, I am more....let's say, realistic. Hey...I love RCR, she was the first person I spoke to when I came aboard. I love her posts. But not everything can be so clinical.

And I don't see controlling either--I agree with you Jeanette.

My concern is that Bear will interpret her husband as controlling because it is what she expects--she will see what she wants or is expecting to see.

I got it! Sorry K... How true. Never expect them to be anything. Only know what you are going to be! Only know what your going to do. AND! no matter how hard they convince you the sky is PURPLE.....we know better.

[Jeanette1120]

morning bear!!

I sense a bit of bitterness creeping in. Hey! It is warranted, but lets see what we can do about it. K.

Maybe you are right ( of course you are) I don't know if he is trying to control me as much as he is trying to control the whole situation. H jumped off the couch this am and ran out for the mail, i could really care less at this point. What am i going to see, the credit card bills for hotels he is taking her to. I did notice that last week we got our credit union statements, mine was unopened on the table. H's was gone. I sure he did not want me to see all the money he has taken out of his savings account to spend on her. Good as long as it does not come from the joint account, could care less. But i know it comes from the joint account. H is stupid in some ways, he will just use any card he pleases, that's why the rush to control the mail.

Aack! I don't want to be right. It scares me. You are special to me and I word myself very carefully because I want what is best for you. Not him. YOU!

Ahhh....the super secret mail. Give me a break. Yes, we are stupid little people with no brains and they are ever so clever. NOT! So we know he's spending loads of money on his new plaything. His joint acct is also half yours. What he is spending on her is half yours. If you do not care that he is going to squander away his money....then fine, but make sure he doesn't squander it all. My X is so deep in debt right now he will never come out of it. I've had to take drastic measures not to get sucked down with him. Hmm...I had to come back up here....a thought crossed my mind. Now I'm not sure if you would call this snooping or protecting. Even if he takes and hides the statements, you can access them online I am sure, and this is an area you need to be very careful of, they will go through money like you cannot imagine. RCR or sg? help!

Do you think i should say what i stated in my evening post, If i must let you go to florida for xmas to clear your head, the i cannot stop you, (the line i want to say after that is just remember that i love you)

You want my honest opinion? I would LOVE to say what you want to say. But, if I really really thought about it, I would tell him to have a great time! Now, I would not pack his clothes neither would I wash them. Act as if you don't care! He already knows how you feel. Why keep throwing it out there only to hurt yourself.

I have a dept xmas party to go to on friday i was not going to go but guess what i'm a going. Do i tell h at all? he will expect me home at dinner, do I tell him i have plans. Even though h is with her he does always tell me he is "going out"
Do i tell him i am "going out"

Do the unexpected! and look fabulous!!!

I could also bring him but no. and i hate having to say that, because i want him to go, to see everyone and have a good time, but why, your only stamping on my heart and lying to me, why should you deserve for me to pay money for you to come to my party as my guest. I'm not going to any of his.

bear, he won't go to a movie with you. do you really think he would go to YOUR office party? I mean....holy mackrel but that will surely cause a scandal if he is seeing someone whom works within the same company as you.

Naaaa.....you go. Remeber...yes he is stamping on your heart. You do not need to add to it by inviting him only to get rejected, not saying you would, but just saying go and have a great time without him.

I wish i felt the same that you do that i am doing a great job, just feel numb, did you feel this way? and does it go away? I feel love for my h, true deep soulful love, but it is sinking to the bottom, and emptiness is floating on top. I need to replace the emptiness with hope, because hope floats. (one of my favorite movies side note)

You are doing a marvelous job! The numbness and pain is going to be there, but it's the ultimate goal that keeps you going. Yes bear, I felt that way and I still do. But it is time for me to do something drastic, as I cannot keep up with this anylonger, nor am I going to allow him to sink me. Keep your hope and faith floating on top bear. In the long run you will be rewarded for it.

You know in your heart what you have to do, and you are doing it. It is not easy, it is not fair but it is now your life you have to take control of. Let him go....let him find out for himself what lies at the bottom of the ocean. You make sure he doesn't sink you.

Hugs bear

Jeanette

[phbear316]

morning Jeanette

Bitterness, sure its possible, just one of the assorted emotions I am going thru the last couple of days.

Why don't you want to be right, bask in the glory of being right nothing to be ashamed of.

Well as far as the joint account, is it coming around to the point that i remove my check from being deposited to the account and make him ask me for money? Or do i hold off. I ordered some gifts last night and used our credit card. I was planning to just get the money from my account and deposit it into the joint checking and tell h this is what i did. H has not said one word of what cards to use and not use as of now.

I thought about looking at the online statements, but here is where i feel and think my h is controlling, he has all the passwords to accounts. So how can i access any accounts if he is the keeper of the passwords? So i strike out on that one.

Have no fear, i am not going to help him pack if he goes to fla. He is on his own with that, he seems to be doing a good job of it on his own, for example the stuff from over the weekend. I have seen no laundry from the weekend away. No suit returned to closet, no white shirt to be laundered. Guess she has it all. Maybe they have plans to go to another function together.

So i would not tell him that i love him, just say i cannot stop you from going, and hopefully you will use the time to clear your head.

Oh thank god she does not work for the hospital i work for, there would have been a not nice meeting between her and I. My point was he knows all the people i work with, some infact work for him, one big family kinda situation. Thought I was being the better person in asking him to go. Maybe i would have been suprised or maybe he would have been suprised that i would even think about asking him. But i know what his answer is and will be. So no need to even ask is the way i look at it

I so hope you are right jeanette that the pain and numbness gets easier. I feel empty, so that is why i am letting go, to save me. I can tell h is getting that antsey look on his face when he wants to tell me something, not talk but tell me the decision he has made. Saw this face in june with first bomb, and then in sept, with second bomb. I guess its not getting to me because i know what one part of it is, fla trip. I hope thats all he wants to tell me. What hurts is there is no talk like he said there would be just his finate decision of what he is doing.

Just wish that look would mean he wants to talk, not just tell.

thanks Jeanette

Hugs!

Bear

[Jeanette1120]

Why don't you want to be right, bask in the glory of being right nothing to be ashamed of.

Because I am dealing with your life! I do not want to steer you wrong. I would hate myself forever. I am just quietly saying what I would do now, as I know what I did before was wrong. I also know that If I had of did things differently, he would be home now. I am not a "Basker in Glory" type.

I thought about looking at the online statements, but here is where i feel and think my h is controlling, he has all the passwords to accounts. So how can i access any accounts if he is the keeper of the passwords? So i strike out on that one.

I'm struggling with this one. But only as I do not want you snooping, but I do want you protecting. Is your name on the accts? If so, then perhaps you can just sign up to them on your own and have your own password. Or you could walk into the bank and ask for a mini statement right there. ICK! Aack! This is a tough one.

So i would not tell him that i love him, just say i cannot stop you from going, and hopefully you will use the time to clear your head

Nope. I said to tell him to have a wonderful time. Thats it. No more, no less. Let him wonder why your so aloof to his going. Hell show some excitement at his going!! Drop a few hints that you may be having a small gathering of "friends" while he is gone....then invite your parents over

[phbear316]

Hey Jeanette

Why are we being so hard on our self? I don't think you can steer me wrong. I am following the foot steps of some who has walked a very hard path. You are guiding me where to step in every way, and that i so appreciate. If you think about it I have it easy I am just walking on your foot steps, when you stop and hit a bad spot you are directing me to step either left or right. Just following the great words of advice from you!! If I did not have your footsteps to follow,(and other from here too) i would be swimming with one arm in a circle and most likley have drown by now. Ok so i won't force you to bask in the glory, howabout let the sun shine on your face. will that work?

You are a smart cookie jeanette, i never thought of that, to make my own password. DUH, have to see if that works. Going to put in on my list of things to do, but not a priority because as you say it falls into the catagory of snooping, which i have completely stopped doing, by the way.

love ya

Bear

[sgctxok]

Checking your own account is hardly snooping.
Just brace yourself.