WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..(2)

[jab]

Sorry about the 'hanging out' reference. Hey, sorry some of my hobbies don't sound very productive. You don't understand my past. One of the social issues I/we have had is that our house is kind of isolated from friends (we live in the mountains). My apt is closer to my friends so they can 'visit' me more conveniently. That's all I was saying. It will be easier for me to have a social life. Some of my hobbies may sound 'boyish' but I am an avid music lover, I have a goal of learning how to play piano, even if it's only a little, during this time to myself (my wife is a pianist, i have a midi keyboard/synthesizer). I 'tinker' with electronics, computers and an avid video gamer. I have a nice TV and home theater system. These enable to me to achieve a few of my goals: 1) GAL 'socialize', rebuild old friendships' 2) learn how to play an instrument and 3) keep my mind off drinking and R. I don't see anything wrong with these.

Yesterday was fairly uneventful but there were a few key items. First, wife seemed very down last night. She was pretty distant as far as any intimacy. W initiated R conversation probably because it was my last night before moving out. I did my best to validate her feelings. W was fairly open and the conversation went well, no arguing. I'm trying to understand her position more and I think I do. She gave me some specifics on some elements that she feels are 'attractive' in a man that she doesn't see in me right now. Confidence, strength (emotional), outgoing, independence. W expressed she wants our R/M to work out but still doesn't trust me and hopes there isn't too much damage to fix. We went to bed & got a hug/kiss but didn't force the issue. Overall, a decent night.

Today was sentencing day. I won't be going to house during IHD after all, couldn't work it out with judicial system. That was too bad, but I still see the kids at my place. I hope it doesn't negatively impact R with W, that she still calls to talk and visits once in awhile, taking it 1 day at a time right now. I was reluctant to have W tote me around to do what I had to do today but it was the most logical and economical solution. My worries were not unfounded. W was having a hard time with all the court proceedings and bookings. She verbalized this afterwards telling me she was angry at me all over again because she saw no 'successful people', only 'derelicts' around. W said it was hard for her because today was reinforcing her image of me as a 'loser'. Once again, I validated, thanked her for doing this for me today, symapthized with her, I defended myself once saying 'my crime was 8 months ago, that was the person I was then, not now'. I think it made her feel a little better.

We went to get groceries together after booking, etc. (I now have monitoring equipment on for IHD). She had a cart, I had a cart. It was very strange and I could tell she was still in some distress but I didn't try to 'crowd her'. I just got what I needed for apt and let her do her thing in store. We paid together and she took me to my apt. This is where things improved. W liked the apt alot (W's first time at new apt). W had some time to kill so she helped put groceries away, I told her to make herself comfortable, she was my 'guest'. Well, this is where things got 'pleasantly strange'. All of a sudden, she wanted to have sex?!?! So I couldn't pass up the opportunity and we did. Wasn't the best but pretty good, much better than we have had in months. W totally caught me off guard. W didn't seem to have any regrets, she was a little worried that I would start thinking things, that it 'meant something', that I would start calling her. I basically said that I'm not going to try to analyze it too much. I'm still going to give you some 'peace' and not try to start calling you and pressuring you. I said as far as it meaning anything, that's up to you whether it means anything. I'm just glad for the opportunity and help today. W left and everything seemed ok (except for the obvious R issues).

So, there you have it. Now we live in 2 seperate places. W said last night that she might do C in Jan after holdiays. I said, that's fine whenever you want. I have other things to do to keep me busy for the time being. I have some more unpacking to do and then I'm off to class tonite. Afterwards, I'll do more unpacking and hopefully get some books on order.

P.S - Oh one more thing that REALLY caught my attention today, something that W emphasized in conversation. W said to me 'So, you can't drink on probation for 15 months, right?' She said it like it was a question but I knew the 'hidden meaning'. I said, 'Yes, that's right'. I could see the importance of that single statement. NO TOLERANCE FROM W, I can't f*** that up or it's a death sentence to R/M!