I Was Almost A WAW....Still (Next Thread)

[Bagheera]

Greetings, Sandi;

I've been following your story with interest because for me, it represents where my own M could have gone if my wife and I had continued on the path we were on for another 20 years...if we even made it that far. I whole-heartedly applaud you for your resilience and willingness to stick with it, through thick and thin, and yet still maintain hope that the R is savable. My hat is off to you.

And I do see hope for you and your H in the story as you have posted it. For your part, you said it here, in your discussion with Dom R:

The "date night" thing....I don't know if I'm ready for that yet, but something fun without pressure sure would be nice. It would thrill me for him to do that.

where you clearly indicate that you would still love to improve the emotional connection between yourself and your H. For your H's part, you described it here, when you were first telling your story last summer:

I asked him last night what he would have done if I had come in one night and started loving all over him and he said he would have ate it up.

where he clearly indicated that he would still love to improve the physical connection between himself and you.

You both still fervently want to have your own needs for love and companionship met by your spouse, but remain stuck in the infamous marriage Catch-22 that Michele and other authors describe. Namely (and generally), that in order for most men to feel the desire to actively pursue an emotional connection with their mate, they must first have their needs for a physical connection met; and in order for most women to feel the desire to actively pursue a physical connection with their mate, they must first have their needs for an emotional connection met. You both yearn to have your own connection needs met, but you are both weighed down by 40 years of anger and resentment, such that even thinking about meeting the connection needs of the other is difficult to do. But the desire for each other is still there, and with that, there is much hope.

The path to getting un-stuck and working toward a better relationship is long and arduous: one that my wife and myself are currently on, following 22 years of unhappiness and resentment. I tend to think of this path in four stages:

(1) Each partner must recognize that there is still hope within each of you, a real desire to improve the R with each other. I can see it in the posts you have made: it's there, believe me.

(2) Each partner must recognize and accept the valid love / `connection' needs of the other. For the man, this means recognizing the importance of (for example) sharing housework and other responsibilities, spending quality time together as a family and couple, and continuing to romantically court your mate no matter how long you've been together; that is, actively pursuing an emotional connection with your wife. For the woman this means recognizing the importance of (for example) a caress, a kiss, and close sexual intimacy; that is, actively pursuing a physical connection with your husband. It's not about doing the stuff on the honey-do list in order to get your wife to turn-on to you. It's not about turning-on to your husband in order to get him to do the stuff on the honey-do list. It's about understanding and meeting the valid love needs of the other, and having your own love needs met in return.

(3) Each partner must take small, measurable, and sustainable steps toward meeting the love / `connection' needs of the other: making slow, steady progress in building trust and improving the relationship. There is a LOT of posts and articles about goal-setting on this site and in the books, so I won't say more beyond applauding Dom R's efforts to help you find realistic and sustainable goals.

(4) Each of you must work diligently at getting past the Resentment Barrier. This means (a) not setting any goals in step (3) that would produce further resentment within yourself -- your marriage has enough baggage without producing more, (b) recognizing that your mate may have a hard time (initially, at least) at responding positively to your own gestures at making things better -- they have a mountain of their own resentment to sort through, so give them some time and be patient, and (c) don't be surprised at and learn how to work past your own feelings of resentment -- it was just such old feelings that prompted me to post here.

For example, let's say your H goes out and starts cleaning up that junked-up back yard. It's on your list, and he's out there working on it, and you'd think you'd be happy and grateful at his effort. But I can guarantee that you'll also have feelings of doubt ("He may be doing this now, but it won't stay cleaned up. It'll be just as junked-up again in a few months.") and resentment ("Why in God's green earth has it taken him this stinking long to get to this?! I've been bringing it up for years, and only NOW he does something about it!"). And no, I'm not trying to pick on you here, Sandi, I just know your situation better than your husband's for selecting an example. The point is, even if you are both taking steps toward rebuilding your R, you BOTH have many years worth of anger and resentment to work through at the same time -- it's a long, slow process, and often of the two-steps-forward-one-step-back variety.

I've rambled on long enough, me thinks. The point of this post is: there's still visible hope for you and your husband, and a process is in place for each of you getting what you want out of the relationship. So chin-up, girl, and happy holidays! We're cheering for you.

Best regards,

-- Bagheera