Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[craig54]

ann, it is the small things that mean the most. cherish it. remember it. let h know. it was very touching to read. cannot wait until my wife does some of this.

[ann25]

thanks craig. i remember thinking then how i was willing to put up with just about anything (work, kids, housework, dog, school... etc) because i loved him so much. If i had remembered the details maybe i could have told him what i needed. It was nice that i didn't have to tell him though. it's amazing how something so small can be soooo big.

i sent him an email, basically copied an pasted my post then added a little. he said he's been selfish and he's sorry that he'll try to stop hurting me and try to treat me better. I've heard this lots of times in the past, but normally only when i've told him i'm upset or something. Not when i've thanked him. so who knows... lots and lots of hope, no expectations.

[wawpioneer]

Your email response sounds encouraging. I can see some of your H insecurities in myself. I feel inadequate and unqualified to be the H that she is looking for. After all, she told me that I did not posess the qualities that she was looking for in a man. The EA really broke my heart in a way that she will never understand. There will always be a huge scar on my heart that will never go away. Something that I considered very special between us seems not so special any more. I am not taking any sides on this at all but I am just expressing my feelings on it right now so that you might understand the LBS point of view from the male perspective. However, it is our reactions to our feelings that dictate our behavior. I have had a hard time with this overall but it appears that your H has had his tough times with it too. It is a frustrating time for both of you as you attempt to rebuild trust. I hope and pray that you both will pull through.

I appreciate your insights and your female perspectives on this thread. It really helps me understand posibly what my WAW is thinking. There are good days and bad days and I am beginning to be able to distinguish between them. Thanks again for the insight!

[ann25]

wawpioneer - thanks for your insight as well. I find myself reading a lot of post on here by the guys that my H could probably sympathise with. I read yours regularly... I know that he is hurting. Part of me hopes he knows that had i not thought our M was a lost cause and thought we were getting a D, that i never would have gone there, but really i just hope he knows that it will never happen again.
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been kinda quiet at home for the last couple days. We've all been sick and there's been a whole lot of waiting for the girls to fall asleep just so we can crawl into bed. I initiated last night. I could tell he was surprised. I know that the main reason he's been leaving me alone (groping and such) lately is cause he's sick and exhausted, but I wanted to show him that without that, i'd be more willing to do things for him. He seemed happy. I was feeling same as ever afterwards, but it was nice to see him happy about it.

Nothing much came from the email i sent him since the whole fam is just kinda riding out the cold. It's kinda nice, the peace and quite.

It's funny. I think i read somewhere else that you can learn alot about what a person (at least a woman) is thinking/feeling based on the songs she's listening to. I was flipping through my ipod and it's just really depressing. Maybe i should stop listening to country music. Nah. My H could probably learn a lot from it... hehe. anyways, I'm sooo going to fix that tonight. Need something more upbeat and happy.

Busy week/weekend coming up, grandparents flying in from out of state, sister getting married so rehersal dinner and wedding, other sister's b-day. So we will be spending a lot of time out together. I'm looking forward to it. we rarely fight while we are out and I think seeing my baby sister say her vows could be good for us right now!

Hope all is well for everyone else!

[ann25]

Ok, so an observation on my part today. H drove me to work today. He works from home and his car is in the shop so normally i just drive. I still drove, but I thought it would give us a bit of a chance to talk since we haven't done much of that lately (last couple days we've all been so sick). Before dropping the girls off at daycare, we all talked as a family (excpet the baby, she tried, but all i ever understand is ma ma.. hehe) then we dropped them off, talked breifly about him picking them up before getting me or vise versa, but after that nothing. we sat in near silence for about 35 minutes. How does that happen? I kept trying to think of things to talk about. I told him some things happening at work. his response "oh" I tried to ask him about the plans for this evening. "not sure"

I've been thinking all day and I've noticed that the only times he ever really talks to me anymore is either via email, if we are talking about the kids or cleaning the house or our R and his EA/OM issues. (not trying to minimize it, just saying)

Not sure how we got to this point. I feel like i can't even remember the last time we just had a conversation about something. His work or mine. Sports or a movie or music or a tv program. We used to. Now when i start talking it's like he's just turned himself off. Because we do talk about the kids and house and R i didn't notice it, but that silence from him in the car this morning made me think. Why doesn't he want to talk to me anymore? probably sounds like i'm whining, but i just don't get it.

[Pudmuddle]

Hi ann,

just an observation on what you wrote about him not talking anymore. He is probably afraid to start talking because you might bring up painful R talk. We all here know you won't do that.

So, my suggestion is to ask him how his day at work was, and only talk about that. Really listen to what he says about work, look into his eyes, face when he talks. As the my friend Puddle told me once "Being heard is powerful". Try the test and monitor mode of DR. Ask him things about himself, like work, what's new at work, how is his boss doing, are they having any potlucks, office changes, etc. Just normal stuff, and practice validating this simple talk. When he sees you won't turn it into R talk, he will feel more comfortable around you. In my story, I did this with my H for WEEKS, only talking to him about his work, and soon he began to detail the whole dang day! LOL. Not that I wanted to hear all of that, but it showed me a small positive sign that he felt more and more comfy around me enough to one day start GUSHING R talk to me. It can work, ann, just take it slow, test things out and watch for the positive signs.

[ann25]

Thanks for the advice. I try not to talk about R. Normally the only time i get into it is if he is doing something i feel uncomfortable with (grabbing or groping etc). He works from home. There is no office. I ask about his bosses. "fine" I ask him if he had any difficult clients today?"yep, always" (we used to joke about how people don't understand what to put on their applications where it says Name:... I'll try to make a little joke or something and he fakes a laugh and that's the end of that.

Maybe I can take what he sends me in email and ask him about that. He'll tell me all about everything in an email. Not sure what is making the difference to him, but for some reason he'll talk to me via email. I'll just stop bringing up R completely. Okee dokee... no more R talks for me. I'd prefer it that way, they are painful on this end too!

[fb2]

I'm trying to fathom my W's body language on the few occasions I've met with her recently. She looks away or to the ground and is very fidgety, tends to get up and want to leave every few minutes. Breaks into tears, blames me for everything under the sun. Is it guilt, anger, hatred or something else? (Of course I'm learning how not to react to these outbursts and there's symptoms of MLC, etc. but that's besides the point)

It's now clear she was friendly with OM for ~2 years prior to filing D and he helped her do it but she was very secretive about it all along and in that time did/said a lot to push my buttons. When asked about him by others she'd say he's "just a friend". She has told me earlier of her own accord she's not having an A with OM ... and more recently that she does not talk to him anymore.

I'm trying to determine if it was an EA or PA and what can I believe of what she's been saying. I think women who have been thru' the pain of this due to unhappiness in their marriage may have a much better perspective.

[ann25]

Hi f2b.

I'm trying to fathom my W's body language on the few occasions I've met with her recently. She looks away or to the ground and is very fidgety, tends to get up and want to leave every few minutes. Breaks into tears, blames me for everything under the sun. Is it guilt, anger, hatred or something else?

I don't know about your sit, but based on the brief description here, i'd say its probably a combination of those. Prior to my EA and during, i didn't want to talk to H. I would avoid it, change the subject, get mad easily, cry, get really quiet. She is upset because she is unhappy and it has to be someones fault. It has taken me up til about now to realize that i can't count on my H to make me happy. I can be happy with him only once i'm happy with myself. During the EA, i was miserable inside.

(Of course I'm learning how not to react to these outbursts and there's symptoms of MLC, etc. but that's besides the point)

It's good that you are trying not to react to this. She may be looking to get a rise out of you.

It's now clear she was friendly with OM for ~2 years prior to filing D and he helped her do it but she was very secretive about it all along and in that time did/said a lot to push my buttons. When asked about him by others she'd say he's "just a friend". She has told me earlier of her own accord she's not having an A with OM ... and more recently that she does not talk to him anymore.

I told friends that he was a friend. It started out that way. The thing about an EA/PA is that if no one knows, you have to lie to everyone, that can destrpy you on the inside.

I'm trying to determine if it was an EA or PA and what can I believe of what she's been saying. I think women who have been thru' the pain of this due to unhappiness in their marriage may have a much better perspective.

Do you really need to determine this. Picture this. - you find out it started out an EA and then progressed to a PA. Does it matter? Would you still be here trying to save your M? Would that be a dealbreaker or just something to overcome? If the answer is yes, you'd still be trying to save your M, then you don't have to worry about that. She's having a MLC and said she's not talking to him. Take it as that unless you have proof other wise. If you are not sure, sit back and think about how long you've been together, now is that something you want to throw away? I hope not.
my best to you... post and read and post and read and when with W, DB like crazy!!

[I_Wanna_Make_It_Work]

Ann - Consult your study guide.

DR book, bottom of p207 is for you.

and as to communication issue - p117.