I posted this earlier today in the Separated forum, but I really think I need to be over here. When I read on other people's threads that this could take two years (or longer), I really doubt my ability to hang in there. I'm pretty sure its MLC, though, and so it seems I'd best settle in if I'm going to be here a while.
This morning, while walking (I try to go every morning, been doing that for quite a while), I felt really angry that I am married to this man who can't be bothered to get help for himself and is willing to break his children's hearts and throw our family into turmoil, both emotional and financial. Why do I even want this selfish sh**?!?!
Then when my H got up, he came into the kitchen with a smile, gave me a hug and a kiss and continued to be very open and affectionate until he left to drive the kids to school. I was then feeling quite optimistic that we would be able to work things out, that the guy that just left would appear more and more. I've been busy doing things in my home office and not really thinking about him much for the last hour or so.
He just phoned to discuss the mortgage thing again, and during that conversation said that he would need some things for his new place, so now I'm back to angry and discouraged again.
How can he be so loving, while still planning to leave? I've been doing my best to continue to be upbeat, respond if he initiates affection without getting too excited about it, etc., but I'm not sure how long I can keep this up - I really want to yell and scream and beat him up. I may have to go for several walks today!
I know what you mean about the frustration. My H doesn't even come near me. NOpe, nothing. Says he doesn't feel like it. After 29 years all of a sudden he doesn't want to be near me. I don't get it. I am doing my best to ignore him but he appears to like that. Don't know what I'm doing. I can go one day and be okay and then the next I'm crying and freaking out.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Oh, Treese, I'm sorry. Today is not a great day for me - usually I find this board helpful, but today I just seem to be able to see how hard this is for people.
When my kids were small, there was so much physical contact between us that I really didn't need any more (long discussion could take place here on the impact of that on my M). Unfortunately, they aren't really into hugging mom so much these days, but I'm trying to touch them more, as I think that will help all of us. I'm also lucky enough to have a couple of dogs that love to cuddle and one of them will be more than happy to sleep in the bed with me once my H moves out.
Hi, Angelica - I think I have a lot to learn from you, the bit I know about your situation.
Do you mean that it is strange that he's had affairs in the past in general, or that it is strange that he doesn't seem to be having one now, as part of the leaving thing?
I only found out about all the affairs in September, when he told me he planned to move out. Before that, I had on three occasions found evidence of online affairs (totally accidentally the first two times, and the third time I just happened to come across something that led me to look a bit further). Each time, there was an increasingly big blow up. The last time, which was almost two years ago, he admitted to one PA.
We have done a lot of counselling, but I was never able to let go and move on. Partly that was because I needed some AD help, and partly because I'm sure on some level I always knew he was lying. I asked him if there was someone else 'waiting in the wings' and he said no. I'm pretty sure that he isn't sleeping with anyone else right now, but I'm also pretty sure that he has been doing the online thing again.
I am doing/going to do some reading to help me handle the infidelity in a different way and hopefully I'll get a chance to address this with my H in the context of a continued M.
HI INGRID..YOUR POST RESONATED WITH ME. ITS HARD. THEY ACT LIKE SOMEONE DONT KNOW..NOT ANYONE YOU WOULD HAVE MARRIED. MY H DID REURN...AFTER FILING FOR A DIVORCE, ONE COURT aPPEARANCE AND SWEARING HE WOULD NEVER COME HOME AND OF COURSE ILYBINILWY....ALONG WITH HIS OW.
A, MY H HAD SEVERA EA/PA WHEN HE TURNED 30 A QLC? OR A MLC THAT NEVER GOT OFF THE GROUND?
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Have you read Conway's "Men in Midlife Crisis" or his late wife's book about the same topic, but written specifically for the wife?
The mlc resources are very helpful too, but those two books really helped gel for me what the mlc-ers are going through, and because of that I do have much compassion for my H (not that I agree with what he is doing by any means).
Stay strong!
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
Hi, NG ~ My H is doing so many of the things that were on my list of things to look out for and we've had a couple of good conversations in which I had opportunities to validate, listen, etc. He hasn't looked at me as lovingly as he did this morning for a long time.
He's still planning to move out, but I'm starting to think that it will be good. If we can make this much progress living together, it may go even faster once he's away and has more time to miss me ;0
Of course, I'm worried about the children, but my doctor increased my AD dose almost two weeks ago and I'm feeling that, for sure. I hope my own feeling of strength will help the kids know that they will be okay, too.
I am going to get fired, because I'm spending so much time on this site and not enough time doing actual work, so I'd best get to it. I hope things are going better for you - last I read it seemed to be, but I haven't had a chance to catch up lately.
