WAW says "I'm filing for D", but no papers

[SirPrizeMe]

Dom, sounds like good advice, but does that mean, "don't assume she knows I am wearing my ring" ?

or are you referring to something else?

Reason I say "she knows it" is because she stares at my left hand every time she sees me. She checks.

[Dom R]

I mean, dont assume she knows anything about you moving back.

The ring.. to most people.... means that you are still committed to your marriage.

however... to some people.. it doesnt.
Some people wear rings while they are having affairs. but they arent committed to the marriage. They wear it, simply because it would be "socially embarassing" for them to take it off.

If you keep wearing your wedding ring, yet at the same time, all your messages are, "I dont want to reconcile, i'm not coming back", then wearing the ring becomes meaningless to her as a positive symbol.

I'm not saying that's where you are right now. I'm just giving you a word of advice, not to let your ring do all the talking for you. Be careful what you actually say, as well.

[SirPrizeMe]

If you keep wearing your wedding ring, yet at the same time, all your messages are, "I dont want to reconcile, i'm not coming back", then wearing the ring becomes meaningless to her as a positive symbol.

I'm not saying that's where you are right now. I'm just giving you a word of advice, not to let your ring do all the talking for you. Be careful what you actually say, as well.

Of course. I have never said, I don't want to reconcile. I told her I'm not going back to the house. My "I'm not going back" was in the context of a conv about the house. I asked her eleventy-seven times to reconcile, to return to MC. In fact, I asked too often. Clearly breaking DB rules. But in any case, I have never wavered from that desire.

Even now I am considering whether to send her in the mail a registration form for a Retrouvaille weekend in 6 weeks' time. I have it right in my hand. We both need to sign in order to register.

What you say about rings is true. Some people consider them a meaningful symbol, and some do not. However W knows that I consider my ring an important symbol of our marriage. This is not an assumption. I have told her this. She's clear on it. I'm not assuming. This is why she checks every time she sees me. She's taking the temperature. "Is he still committed?"

It's true, she may be imagining all sorts of things. She changed the locks because (she said) she thought I might come to the house in the middle of the night... and ... do what exactly? But if she is imagining all sorts of disasters or negative scenarios, what I say will make no difference. My assurances won't change her thinking. They haven't before. They won't start now.

On Mother's Day she accused me, "You don't think I deserve my life!" I quietly and lovingly assured her that I wished only the best for her, that I wanted to give her everything I had, everything I could offer, that I was devoted to her, and to our marriage, but that it was her decision whether to accept what I am offering.

But that didn't last. She was back to the "you hate me" thinking very soon after. That feeling is not coming from me. It's just not.

[Dom R]

But that didn't last. She was back to the "you hate me" thinking very soon after. That feeling is not coming from me. It's just not.

You can do 99 things that are positive, and 1 negative... and she's going to go for the negative.
Seems to me like you did one very LARGE negative. you said you wouldnt go back to the house.

That can be taken as you rejecting your past history with her. Which might imply rejecting future with her
Also, statements like "I'm tired of being jerked around", whether put that directly, or otherwise... might be taken as hostility towards her.

as I said.. 99 good, 1 bad... she's gonna go with the "1 bad".
Even if you dont see it as bad... she may.




PS: i wouldnt think her getting that stuff in the mail, is going to make her feel positively inclined. but that's just me. i dont konw her as well as you, and i'm not female either

[SirPrizeMe]

Dom - yep.. I don't say "I'm tired of getting jerked around" to her. On the other hand you have a good point - from her perspective, I am resisting her will and ideas by resisting the divorce. So maybe from her side, it is me jerking her around.

About getting the Retrouvaille stuff in the mail - I know. That's why I am considering. All part of the key issue I am facing now - How do I balance the "you've chosen, now we must all face the unpleasant practical consequences" with "I still want to reconcile."