Still hopeful for some pleasant surprises

[SirPrizeMe]

Trixi, Steve, thanks for the probing questions. I won't be insulted.

Am I trying to protect her from her choices? No, I don't think so. But I am not really excited about the idea of pushing a conflict. It is the tough love thing. I so much want her to do it on her own, to face the reality on her own. But she isn't, so I need to be more proactive.

You're right, my moving out was not pleasant at all for me. I regret that it is about to become not pleasant for her. I'm trying to not act rashly. I'm trying to be thoughtful and compassionate about it. Do I see her as weak? No! It's just that it's going to be unpleasant, and I don't wish that for her.

The problem I am having: she's accused me of being controlling and emotionally abusive in the marriage. Although I see I wasn't who she wanted me to be, I still don't see myself as abusive. In any case her accusations have had the effect of causing me to second-guess all my moves. So when it is quiet clear to me that we need to sell houses and drastically cut expenses, I hedge, because... that seems like a controlling act. Deep down I feel like it is just prudence and practicality. But the controlling thing is in my head.

Steve,

Think about all this... you really need to set yourself up in a situation where YOU can succeed in the things you want to accomplish. She needs to feel some discomfort from her decision and she needs to be able to see you as someone who is living life, someone attractive.

Exactly. That's where we are now. Her choices are forcing her to move, to get a job, to disrupt everyone. That's going to be uncomfortable. My biggest mistake is maybe that I have waited too long to get to this point. That I haven't pushed quickly enough to get to this stage. But we're here now.

I am really looking forward to having a home again, my own kitchen, my own bedroom, my own place.