WAW does not want to try

[I_Wanna_Make_It_Work]

This is a pickle - but, again, not a surprise. I think the more threads you read, the more you see how similar everyones sitch is.

STOP TRYING SO HARD TO PLEASE HER. That's not what she needs or wants. What she needs is for you to man-up to being the husband you should be without her having to tell you what she needs. We're supposed to figure it out without them - because they can't figure it out themselves.

What went wrong in the M? That's a place to start. Think it out, and do the opposite. I'll give you some of my personal experiences.

My W is very social. Loves being around people. Not me. I wasn't a recluse, but enjoyed my quiet time more than social gatherings. So we would often leave these events early for me. Now, I seek out these events. My W may not be with me at them, but she knows when I go and where I go. And she is thrilled. She tells me.

I was never a "leader" in the family (spiritual or otherwise). Convos went something like this: "What do you want to do for dinner?" "Oh, I don't care. What do you want?" "Oh, I don't care, either. You decide." That's not what she needed. She wanted me to be a man, pick a direction and get her consent.

DB'ing is very different for me - because one of my issues in the M is I didn't interact with her as I should have. She would talk, I would listen. When she was done - we'd move on. I didn't share my emotions. That's not what she wanted. Again, luckily, she did eventually tell me. But only after I recognized it and did something about it. So DB'ing suggests we be a bit mysterious - yet that was exactly how I was inside the M. By constinuing that, it was more of the same for her. The 180 was to share even more with her. Even though DB'ing says be aloof.

To your sitch - I meant to post this a few days ago, but I didn't. You mentioned that she says you are obsessed with the church and saving the M. Stop. You also mentioned you're not sure how to engage her. Stop.

Do what you think is going to make you a better man (lead) and invite her along for the ride. She can not be an obsession. To wit; "W, I'm going bowling Friday. Want to come?" "I need windshield wiper fluid so I'm going to WalMart - need anything?" You just go on living, acknowledge your failings and weaknesses, set a course to correct them, and then live. (It's the part of GAL that mostly goes undiscussed).

Your attitude has to be this: I acknowledge my failings. I asked God for forgiveness and He forgave me. I asked my W for foregiveness and she did, too. Now, I know what a good husband is; how he behaves; what he looks like and I will live that way. Sooner or later, my W will join me on the new path. It may not be today or tomorrow - but after this season of change, she will no longer see me for my previous failings and will see me as the man she always loved. The man I should always have been. The man I am becoming.

DB'ing, and specifically GAL, is so much more than just healing your marriage. You have to be whole again before there's any chance of your marriage being saved.

Here is the most important thought that came to me over the year of my S from my W. It took an awful lot for my W to leave the M and me. Things must have been unbearable for her. I now see many of the issues she had been trying to discuss with me for years. So, if I were to continue living the same way, then my chances of reconciling the M are less then zero. Why would she come back to what took her years of suffering to leave? She wouldn't. The change and effort had to come from me.