Maybe not too complicated to understand

[Michael Mc C]

So my sister and BIL brought my family out to the movies on Saturday morning. Had a great time but my W was, for the most part, miserable. She decided to skip lunch with us so we dropped her off at home. 2 hours later I checked my email and had two from her. She really misunderstood the conversation we had about the custody and my comments about the court possibly overriding anything we decided - she hears what she wants.

I won't even get into the mails but they were the most vicious and hurtful things she has ever said to me. The last line of her second mail was something like "Maybe one day you will find happiness but it will NOT be with me."

Wow, that kind of sums it up I guess.

I reiterated, almost word for word, the way the conversation went that night. She apologized for misunderstanding and for exploding on me.

Anyway, because she feels we might need to do it anyway, she has agreed to go to counseling. Not to save the marriage but to help us through this and to help ME understand where SHE is at.

Funny enough, I completely understand this whole thing. I am the one who has invested 3 months into finding out how internet affairs begin and how they blossom into the "true love of soul-mates" she has been feeling.

I'd love to tell her "no, we do this the right way or we don't do it at all" but that simply won't work. If counseling at this level is the only option she'll entertain then I will accept it and hope that it helps her understand what it is, and why it is, she's in this place.

I am a little concerned that it was in her 2nd mail that she mentioned counseling - the more vicious of the two mails. It's as if she wants to do it to get it out of the way. To say that she did try and it simply didn't work. I feel my hands may be tied.

On another note, history continues to be re-written. Our good friend "L" (neighbor behind us) has known about our sitch since the beginning - she has been a key confidant for me. My W hasn't spoken to her about this to any great degree and not at all, really, since "L" recommended counseling back in September.

This past week W called her up and told her about her new love and her plans for a new life ("he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with"). She told "L" that we had been separated for 6 months. Wow. "L" spent almost every weekend with us this summer. She knows that things didn't go down until 3 months ago. W, however, is more than happy to share her delusion in order to make it convincing, either to herself or to everyone she speaks to. "L"'s husband was a psych major and called this a 'self-fulfilling prophecy'. The more she tells the same story the more she tends to believe it herself. i.e., she is brainwashing herself so that everything looks perfect.

I asked W what she would have said if I recommended counseling SIX months ago. She said "I would have said no. I wasn't feeling unhappy SIX months ago".

Go figure.

Finally, I compared this "love" that she has to a new drug addiction. If she tried this drug today and found that she was suddenly hooked on it, she would insist that she was not being satisfied before. Even though she had no complaints about her life before trying the drug, she suddenly couldn't imagine going back to the drug-free lifestyle. Makes sense to me, I'm not sure she appreciates the analogy.

[Hurtin4certain]

Regarding the letters... believe nothing you hear (read).

[Michael Mc C]

It's interesting how things that are mentioned to me by friends and family, things that W has mentioned to them, take priority order based on severity or craziness. Over the weekend my neighbor mentioned things W had said and I have dealt with each of them, in my own head, except for one - the least crazy of her comments, but crazy nonetheless.

W mentioned that if she has to leave the house because of anything she does, I will only be punishing MYSELF. She said that I am not prepared to handle everything that she takes care of (kids, pets, housework, etc.) and that I'm going to find myself regretting it.

I'm grateful for these insider remarks (but I hate the fact that W is spreading the "good news" around town and making an ass of herself and, to some extent, my entire family). However I have now digested this latest comment (wasn't hard to do) and I'll be prepared if she ever throws it at me.

Quite frankly I am prepared to do whatever it takes to keep my family moving forward and functioning in a happy and healthy way. I may not do a top notch job but I will not give it up for anything. Is it something I look forward to doing alone? No, of course not. Faced with no other sensible solution though what else would anyone expect me to do?

And... my W stayed at MIL's house this Saturday night to help her with some job-related items. Sunday a.m. D13 stepped up and did everything she could to help me with D11 and S8, as well as housework. I told her she did not have to but she was more than happy to do it. I hope that this never becomes a necessity. Kids need to be kids. I thanked her at least a half dozen times throughout the day yesterday and told her how proud I was of her. Last night it did make me a little tearful thinking that this is how it might turn out - not for the M but for D13 (and the other kids) if the M continues to go south. They should be allowed to grow up at the pace God intended.

If W leaves, I won't lean on the kids but I will be sure that anything they do is recognized and appreciated. I don't want any of them feeling they have to replace their mother - not sure if this is a natural response for them in these situations.

[Michael Mc C]

D13 couldn't sleep last night so I let her sleep in my room. We spoke a little bit about what's going on and she told me that she sees how hard I've been trying to keep things together for all of us. I told her that I have noticed her trying as well. It's so sad that this has to happen. I asked her what her siblings knew, if anything. She told me that D11 had also overheard plans for mommy to move out. D13 told her that mommy was probably tired or cranky and that D11 shouldn't worry about it.

God, if only my wife was as caring as D13 is about how the kids are feeling.

I asked D13 not to bring anything up with them but if either D11 or S8 ask her anything about this that she should have them talk to me (or their mother). I don't want her to shoulder any of this.

[nutfarmer]

MMC,

I've followed your threads intermittently over the past 2 months, and I may have missed something.

Have you found a good attorney? I know that I am only reading what you post, but it sounds like your W is not in a very good place to be the primary parent if your M continues to go south. Nobody wants to exclude the other parent in these kinds of situations, and I'm not suggesting that, but the kids' interest might be better served if you had primary custody.

Just my $0.02

Nut

[Michael Mc C]

W is not in a very good place to be the primary parent

This is something that my counselor has also pointed out. W's decision have been terribly selfish towards the kids' and their well-being. I have had to talk her out of quite a few things already and, even though I stressed the impact her actions would have had on the them, they have been difficult battles.

She acts more like their spoiled older sister a mother. Last night her behavior really came across as really bratty - I've seen it before but it's becoming more ingrained. She expects everyone to give her concessions and cannot handle any form of pushback. She doesn't seem to care that the other 4 members of this family are impacted by everything she does.

Interestingly enough, one of her chief complaints is that she has grown while I have not.

As for the lawyer, I have to admit that this is something I have dragged my feet on. I guess it's that feeling of finality. Even so, I need to accept that there is a good possibility I will need one. Regardless, it would be best if at least one of us had an idea of what a D truly entails and what rights I have.

[Michael Mc C]

...oh, and Friday is my 39th birthday. Haven't heard anything from W on this but my kids are talking about it. Think I'll bring them out tonight or Thursday so they can get me some gifts. W usually does this but I'm not counting on anything.

W usually has plans on Fridays with her online friends so I've invited a couple of people up (her brother and his GF, my sister and BIL and some neighbor friends). Sounds like the makings of a hell of an intervention!!

Hopefully R won't even come up. No need for that. Going to enjoy the evening with friends and the kids.

[Hurtin4certain]

Michael...Im in the same boat... my W has steadily affirmed my suspicions that she is not in the right frame of mind to care for our daughter.

Ive decided to file for the Big D and fight for custody even though it might jeapordize any chance of ever getting back with my W.

After all, why would I want to be with someone that places themself over their child? Shows a total lack of character in my book. To knowingly and willingly hurt your kids is unacceptable. As parents, its our jobs to protect the kids from this kind of behaviour.

I recommend at least getting a free consultation so you know all your options.

[nutfarmer]

Get a lawyer. You don't have to take any action, but you need to know what your rights are.

This is real. Your kids are real. Protect them.

[Michael Mc C]

Thanks for the advice. I'm going to start looking and set up an appointment so I get a better idea of what could be coming. W mentioned she'd go to counseling because lawyer or judge may require that first. I know she's right but not sure where she got that idea from - assuming one of her "friends" - it's very unlike her to think this way (meaning 'realistically').