New -Devestated and Feeling Hopeless

[Ellis]

Me: 40
H: 47
M: 11 yrs, 20 yrs together
D: 6 yrs old

Hi everyone,
I just found this website and Michelles books - probably too late. I posted on the separated forum yeaterday and than found this one today. In 8/07 my H ended it over the phone when I was away on vacation. We have grown apart for the last year, no time as a couple and little sex. But I had no idea he was that unhappy. He never communicated with me even though I tried several times. When I came home from vacation he told me in a very angry tone that it was over, he was having an affair with a coworker - but said thats not why I'm leaving - I have been unhappy for years. He told me he does not even like me - finds me negative and complaining, that he is not attracted to me (I was fat), does not love me and wants a divorce immendiately. I was shocked and devestated. He contacted a lawyer right away and tried to convince me to file. I did not - so he filed in 9/07. I called his cell phone several times a day begging and pleading - also threatening to get him fired since the affair was with a coworker. I see now I only pushed him further away. I was so angry and hurt though. I have never experienced such pain and betrayal in my life. I took it very badly. I could hardly get out of bed every day crying hysterically.He moved out in 9/07 and has rarely seen my D he is so involved in his own life. Then 10/07 after I left numerous messages begging him to try to save our marriage for our daughter he called me after a visitation with her and said I looked great (I lost 45 lbs), said he missed our D and said he does still love me. Said the affair has been over for 5 wks. We went on one date which was very awckward because he said lets not talk about what happened yet. Then he spent the day with us and it was great and we had great sex - it just happened - still we had not talked. We agreed to talk later that week and when we did I could not help it but I just bombarded him with questions about the affair - what kind of sex did you have, were you in love, where did you take her. He said I had an affair its over lets move on. I said you need to tell me about it. He became very offensive and reluctantly answered some questions. Said they were not in love and it just ended. Then Isaid while D and I were sitting home you were out with some tramp - he defended her - said shes not a tramp - and he left. That was 11/1 and I called him for 2 weeks and left vm in which he did not responsd. I apologized for grilling him and said we should just talk about us. He never called me back. My 40th birthday came and went - not even a call after 20 years. That was the worst birthday of my life. After weeks of no contact he started calling to schedule visitation. We email only now. I have tried to engage him in email chats but he does not respond unless it is about our daughter. When he comes to pick her up he waits in his car and she runs out. We are going to court tomorrow to get the separation agreement signed since our lawyers have been arguing over how much he should give me every week (I have been a stay at home mother). The other day my daughter saw him and said he was talking on his cell to a girl and called her honey. My lawyer says we will be divorced in a few months - feelng hopeless and feeling it is my fault because I attacked him when he said he wanted to repair the marriage. What do I do now?

[Hurtin4certain]

HE chose to have an affair not you. Do not blame yourself for his lack of morals. You ARE a strong woman and deserve to be loved by someone unconditionally.

Get Divorce Rememedy and go right into the Last Resort Technique. You have to show your husband that you can survive without him. YOU CAN DO THIS... Im in the same boat.

Also, go to your Dr. and get on some anti-depressants. They will definately help once they kick in. Mine just did.

No more begging, pleading, pursuing, asking questions, having your daughter spy on him. I know its hard but trust me, you can do it.

I was in your shoes less than a month ago... devastated.

You have to be strong during this time. You have to force yourself... if you have to, "fake it till you make it".

[Yoyowife]

Ellis,
I'm sorry you are here. Listen to H4C. He has good advice and has come a long way. Go back and read his earlier thread. You will see how much he has grown since he has come on here. He is right, get on AD's as soon as possible. They will calm you down and help you to think and function rationally. It is so hard to be going through this, but just remember to take care of yourself. Do things for yourself, try not focus so much on your H. You have to be strong for you and your daughter.

Hugs

[Ellis]

H4c and Yoyo thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and respond. It really meant alot to me. It has been so hard to move on because H is in a whole new life - new relationship, living the single life, and moved out. I am still in the old life, still in this house with the memories, still doing the same thing I have always done taking care of my D. Friends and family have been telling me from day one forget him -he cheated. But I used to say that also before it happened to me. You really dont know how you will react until it happens to you. I never thought I would beg and plead - but when you have a child it compells you to try to save your M. D has been through so much and H has no idea - hes hardly around her. I dont think he should be talking on cell to OW while my daughter is in the car - its too soon - its only been a few months and she volunteers this info to me and tells me it makes her feel bad. Hes only thinking of himself. I realize I need to get a life - all I do is sit around and chain smoke (was not a smoker before the bomb was hit) and I am not the same fun mom I used to be and my D has suffered for it. She went from an attentive mom to a mother who is always "far off" some where thinking and a father who is never around. You have inspired me to make changes - Thankyou

[Ellis]

Went to Dvce ct - horrible. Could not believe we were there - is this really happening to me, to us, to our family? NO decisin made on sep. agreement - financial doc not all in - waste of time and money. H and I acted like we did not even know each other after 20 yrs together. How do you cope? Cried all the way home. He gave me dirty looks too because he has been saying things to D - telling her bad things about me, my family, talking to lover on cell in front of her - asked him not to do it - he keeps on and D tells me and I dont even ask her - got court guardian sched. to talk to him as to what is appropriate for a 6 yr old - so now I'm the bitch.

[Michael Mc C]

Has you D been to counseling at all? Only one of my 3 kids has any idea of what's going on (D13) in our sitch but for the most part, even to her, there hasn't been any "major" changes in our family yet. I know that all 3 may need to go to family counselling if/when W finally makes the move.

[Ellis]

Micheal Mc C,
Thanks for your message. I read your story and was moved that you too are going through an extremely difficult time. I also have realized my self esteem is in the gutter and I need to work on myself. We also share the fact that its been 20 yrs with our partners. Because of the way my D ended the marriage - abruptly with no warning - no counseling - not even a mention to me before hand that he was not happy in the marriage my D has been exposed to too much already. She was the one who first raised my antenae that he could be having an affair when he came home from taking her to the playground and she said he was talking to a girl on his cell. The fact that my 6 yr old felt the need to tell me that means even she sensed it was not right what he was saying. Then the cowardly way he ended the M on the phone. My D was right next to me and saw a mother who she had only seen cry once when our cat died crumble to the floor and sob. She cried and was very frightened and had no idea what was going on. Since then our arguments have been carried on right in front of her - his fault and mine. She knows her father had an affair. She heard us yelling about it. Its just a mess - everything was done so wrong. I have enrolled her in a program at school called "Banana Splits" which meets once a week for children of divorce but I have considered indv. counseling for her to try understand all these changes. The other day she told me "I dont like all this mad love". It breaks your heart. But in my husbands mind divorce is the best thing because my D will have a happy father. But in my opinion thats at the expense of his D. My D was very happy when we were together we never fought in front of her (in fact that was our problem - lack of comm.) but now she is confused and misses her father and as she says "misses the way it was". It sounds like you have handled the situation by protecting your children. Your doing it the right way. Keep it up.

[Ellis]

H says he is living with "a woman" but shes just a roommate. Does he think I'm stupid? Cant get over hes LIVING with someone. LIVING with SOMEONE! In a whole new domestic situation - food shopping, laundry, dishes - whatever. I guess its really over - I cant stop crying - I cant move one - Help

[Michael Mc C]

Ellis - I am so sorry you are going through this. Your whole situation has moved so quickly it seems. It is important for you to detach as much as you can at this point, for your good and for the good of your daughter. I can't imagine what you're going through so I hope others can offer better advice.

[SueS]

Ellis-

Have you gone to a Dr. yet? I have gone through this A thing before. Unfortunately this is our 2nd time around. If you feel comfortable with it, get to a doctor and ask about AD's. I've been and at time are at your spot. The crying, not feeling like you can move on. The AD's obviously don't take away the hurt or change the situation, but I was amazed at how they help me cope. You have a change in your system when you go through these things. AD's help level you off a little.

He knows you're not stupid. He's like a lot of other WAS's on this site. They won't admit it. My H is a KING of denial. I have mentioned his A to him on way more than one occassion and he just says.....I don't know what you're talking about. Now this is a man who is pushing the OW to leave her H and telling her that he loves her and he can be the one to make her happy. YET, he's still denying everything to his own W. Trust me, deep down, your H doesn't think you're stupid. He just can man up enough yet to admit things.

Take care okay. I promise that we'll be here for you. This is a WONDERFUL group of people that you're posting to. They've saved my sanity several times.

SueS