After reading the longer of your two posts above, it seems like you are getting the hang of it. I think you did real well in that last go around. She was happy about your closeness to your daughter. She likes your working out. She IS noticing some things. It's hard but you sound more in control. As an objective observer, it sounds like you are seeing some small positives.
Maybe blow off the finances as an issue. Would you really want her to stay with you because of the money?
Remember you're not separated until you are in different homes. It is scary with the specter of it hanging out there but until it happens, you're not sunk. Even after it happens, you are still not sunk. Some people around here believe you need the separation to clear the air. Easy for me to type, tough to live.
Try to keep your chin up and keep doing the right things. You sound a lot better this time around. Best to you.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
W went out Friday night with a friend for her bday....returned home at 2:45 am. I popped into her room to check on her and got the 'I dont want you touching me line'...nice for my PMA.. I hope these late night partying episodes get out of her system. She didnt even do this when she was younger. All signs to me point towards A. She has totally put an emotional wall up against me. She wants her space, staying out late, sleeps with her cell phone, very careful about her laptop, IDNLYAM. But I cant proove it and she wont admit it.
Sat I left in the morning w son....she didnt get up til late and didnt realize we were gone, and texted me asking where son was. of course she didnt care where I was. Her plans for the day were cancelled because her friend 'flaked out' on her. So, I was planning on taking some boys to the movie and i asked her if she wanted to come...course not, too tired. Though did nothing all day.
Sun am she is leaving to go visit the friend that bailed on her the day before. I 'thought you were pissed at her'? she answers 'yes, but I'm not going to hold a grudge'...interesting response since she's basically holding a grudge against all our neighborhood friends for 'not understanding' her motives. I noticed that she did not have her wedding ring on. I know I'm not supposed to ask, but since she's been so withdrawn and cold to me lately, I ask if she's finished wearing her ring...she answers that she had just put lotion on and took it off for that. Seeing that she makes no effort to put it back on before she leaves, I ask her if she's trying to proove something to her friend then by not wearing it. She said no and 'I'll go put it back on right now'. I thanked her and said good bye, but she was pretty grumpy about it. The wedding ring thing is a big deal to me. If she takes it off, its a sure sign to me that she's given up. Is it a 180 if I take mine off first?
When she returned, she wanted to go shopping and leave me with the kids. She went out into the garage and since I thought my car was in the way, I went out to move it. She never said goodbye or aknowledged she was leaving. So, in bad DB form I asked her why she's always coming and going without even a goodbye? She gave me a grouchy look with really no answer. So I asked her why so grouchy lately, are you just trying to make me mad by doing all this?' 'Do you just totally despise me?' Her: 'No, I dont despise you, Youre not getting any of this....I just want to be friends'....So I said o.k. and went back into the house. That was the extent of our talk.
I really dont have anyone that I would consider a friend that would treat me like this...so I doubt we could be friends if this shakes out into a D.
I guess I'm not sure really what to do. It seems when I withdrawl, she gets grouchier. The only thing I have noticed that seems to make us closer is when we go out to dinner or spend some time together. When we pull apart, we get more apart. I guess my hunch is to totally withdrawl as much as possible. That seems to be the advice and the success I have been reading all over this board. I just dont see her having any desire right now to spend time with me. So I guess go the other extreme?
Whats confusing to me is why is she o.k. or even interested in putting her ring back on if she only wants to be friends?
The fact that she wants to be friends is great. You point out that she's not being a very good friend, but it doesn't sound like you are being a very good one to her either. A friend wouldn't hound her about wearing the ring. She gave you a valid reason why she didn't have it on, but you didn't let it go at that. You pushed her until she begrudgingly put it back on. If you keep up behavior like that, one day she's going to refuse to put it back on. I don't think that's what you want.
You also assume that her bad mood was because of you so you pushed her to talk to you about it. Back off.
I don't think that you should do the LRT. Many people jump right to it because they feel so helpless and lost. I don't think that you're at that point. You need to focus on being her friend. A good friend would help her through this rough time. You're going to have to suck it up and listen and validate her feelings. She's most likely going to say things that hurt to hear. Your job as a friend is to listen and validate. There will come a time when you can express your feelings to her. Now is not that time. Post how your feeling here and we'll help you work through it.
Most of us have to really work just to get to a place where our S wants to be our friend. It took me over two months and I know it's taken others even longer. Use this opportunity while you have it. If you keep pushing her then she's going to withdraw even more.
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
thanks Bhopeful...I dont disagree with you. I did push and did assume her bad mood was because of me. Im not sure I hounded about the ring, but I thought I should at least ask, and I did softly.
I guess I'm taking the 'i want to be your friend' line as a ILYBNILWY line and shes either trying to soften the blow or just say were finished and I want you to go away. It's pretty difficult to feel like being a good friend when I sort of feel like a one way doormat right now.
I feel like I'm on the edge of blowing my top and telling her if she's going to be so distant and disrespectful that she should just pack up her stuff now and get out of here.
Maybe hounded was too strong of a word. It sound like she felt pressured though.
I don't think that you should interpret what she is telling you. It may put unfair assumptions on what is really going on. I know that it's really hard to be her friend. Sometimes being a friend means giving her space and time though. She'll come to you when she's ready to talk.
Quote:
I feel like I'm on the edge of blowing my top and telling her if she's going to be so distant and disrespectful that she should just pack up her stuff now and get out of here.
I know how you feel. Be really careful with this though. If you do decide to say something. Give it 48 hours before you do. Saying something like this could set you back a long ways. Be careful what you wish for, you may just get it...
Peace, B
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
W texted me yesterday asking where the paperwork went, that she could play hardball if she wanted to, and that she was incredibly pissed off.
What's amazing is I had no idea what she was talking about. She totally went nuts. I told her I honestly had no clue what she was talking about. We'll, she found it all about 10 minutes later and gave me a token 'sorry'.
thus...I let her have it. I told her I didnt like being treated like this and I have never been dishonest in our relationship and I wished she'd quit looking at me as terrible for us...
When I got home, she apologized and said she had been missing some other stuff, financial info. I told her it's all in my office, I'm not hiding anything, and why would I need to take it from you? Plus, think about what just happened that you couldnt even find.
The papers she was missing were legal doc's for a legal separation. She took them over to her divorced neighbor friend last night to have her help her fill them out. this 'friend' is a terrible person. My W in August couldnt stand her and criticized her over and over in front of me and our family friends. I'm amazed she's confiding in her.
This is sort of funny. W emailed me asking what I was planning on getting the kids for xmas. I told her I was going to get my D a puppy. I am not positive I am, but I felt like 'pushing a button'...W emails me back..'oh please, please no, not now. I cant handle that right now...
Anyway...still not sure how to act with her. Do I pull back or do I try and remain friendly?
OK....Just got this from my W....is she admitting an EA here? So how do I handle this, response? this is a big hit on my PMA.
"""I know you think I am cheating on you...The thing is, in a way, it is like I have been cheating on you for years...Not physically with anyone but emotionally with my "other" friends. You have never been a part of that life and I never wanted you to be a part of that life. I get something from those people that I never got from you, or at least have not received from you in a long time. We grew apart and I drifted closer to my work family of friends and I continue to meet new people on a regular basis. I want so much to have a partner to share everything with...I want to tell that person everything and want to be with that person all the time. We don't have that...and I don't think we ever did.
I am not in love and have not been for a long time. I suppressed this for so long because I thought it was the right thing to do for the kids...now I know it is not. I want to live my life and I want the kids to know what a loving relationship is. I know you are willing to do this, but it is too late for me...I do want to handle this the best way possible for the kids. If we do it right, the kids will be great. I want you to have the kids 50%...I don't want to cheat you or them. They love you and need you. But we are both going to have to figure out how to do this. I look at x and y and I think they do this right. I know you do not want this but if you could please accept it and try for the kids."""
After i rec'd that email from W...I packed up some stuff and headed out of town for work. Never told her I was leaving or where I was going. Havent answered her calls or texts. She's concerned about me. Texted me asking if I was o.k. and that she really does care for me even though I dont think she does. She's saying the kids are wondering where I am and if Im coming back soon. Not sure I believe that. She could just tell them I was gone for work.
Anwyay...I'd like some help replying to her email. I wrote a very long reply and am considering sending it tonight. Wondering if I send a very detailed email or just a short one agreeing with everything she emailed me about? I want to send the long one.
I'm going to be completely dark all day today as well, but will send a reply tonight. She doesnt want me in her life she can get used to it a bit.
Going dark might be OK but don't do it if it is going to seem like a punitive action.
Ask yourself this question about every move you make, "Will this get me closer to my goal or will it move further from my goal?" The goal I assume is to save your marriage.
You are still not sunk. She wouldn't be telling you she cared if she didn't. I am not sold on the EA either. Even if there is an EA, it is a symptom. Looking at your post a few above, she is more or less telling you what is/was missing and why she is acting the way she is. Almost like a cry for help.
My $.02
I would get Rob and a few others to look and share some opinions.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
