Frank, I'm moved, saddened, by your post and want to reach out to you. I know you don't want or need pity, I'm not offering that at all. I think I offer something better. I understand (as well as another human can). I accept you, and what you feel. I've felt much of it.
damn, buddy, you've been through it. You are amazing, and strong. But I know you get tired of hearing how strong you are. I know you'd like to have someone take care of you for a change. You deserve it.
This is your chance, your time now, Frank. You see what's going on, better than most ever do. You feel your feelings, you're aware of them, you know what's happening. With just a few skills, you can live, really live. Now's your time.
Your W can be a part of it, or your life. I bet she'll be thrilled to be part of it. She doesn't have to be part of it. You get to choose. You might as well let her be part of it though. She, and you, have been through so much already.
I hope you go back to your C. If your house is on fire, you don't try to put it out yourself, you call the FD, and get help. If your golf swing is wrong, you get lessons. Life isn't any different.
But if you don't go to a C, for whatever reason, you can still find help. You're not alone. You've got to do it alone, but you've got support, and help.
I read a "meditaion" of sorts that brought me to tears. If I find it, I'll pass it on to you. It was about taking the child inside of you, holding him, telling him that it's OK, that you'll take care of him, that he is loved and accepted. Try it Frank. It works. You can "parent" yourself, your inner child. He is really there, as I think you know, and he needs it.
Life shits on us all the time. Much of it is luck, bad or good, and no reflection on our value as people. You define yourself, your value.
OK, I could go on. From the few posts of yours I've read, I know you are aware, intellegent, and that you feel. You don't need my advice.
Just want to let you know you are not alone. Rest here. You've got support. Many of us face the same questions, to greater or lesser degrees. This is the place to discuss such things.
Thanks, Frank, for sharing.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
There are many people here who love you my friend.
Now duck because there's some 2x4's coming.
I'm not about to help you grovel in you self pity. Uh Uh, no way. You've had a very difficult life. If you stay focused on the pain, it will only get worse. Life on this earth is hell. You are not the only one in pain, lonely, and depressed, oh no you are not alone.
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Now that I don't have to 'fight' any more my emotional self has had over a year to rear its head and demand it be comforted, satisfied, appeased. The little boy that was hurt finally wants to be comforted.
Well dust that little boy off, give him a nice warm hug, tell him you love him beyond belief, and send him back out to play. Stand tall, raise your shield, and fight those evil thoughts that haunt you. When they come, you cuss them, curse them, and reach out for your God.
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The problem is that my whole life I have always been alone.
You only think you have been alone my brother.
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During the previous several years of my depression, before the bomb and the db'ing, I truly believed that there was nobody in the world who would come to my aid.
You CAN believe that. It's true. There is "nobody in the world" who can come to your aid. But there is a spirit, more powerful than any human, who is always with you, always guiding, always aiding. But we have to listen, we have to open the door, we have to be faithful.
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When I 'engineered' the restoration of my marriage and everything was 'safe'
Don't you realize who really "engineered" the restoration of your M? Now that's something to pray about, seek out, and connect with.
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I was tired because I felt like "here I am, once again giving up what I need in order to save someone else".
And you point is? WWJD? We're all called to sacrifice my brother. Have faith that what you sacrifice is for a special reason and purpose far beyond what you can comprehend.
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I was really good at fixing her, I'm not so good at fixing me.
You didn't fix anyone my friend. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can start the healing.
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My W still wants our marriage to work. I think I do, but I'm not really sure any more.
That's understandable. Most M couples have those thoughts. If your M is unfulfilling, then work on making YOUR life fulfilling first. Don't count on your M to fulfill your life. It aint gonna happen.
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Don't be like me, make sure you really work on your crap, otherwise you'll eventually just let people down.
Don't let your "crap" be an excuse to be a "wuss"(per David). You're a much bigger man than that. Stand tall, fight the good fight. You're tired, bloodied, and beaten. Step back, take a few breaths, focus on your blessings, and jump back in the frey.
May the Holy Spirit lift you up today, bring you a glimmer of hope, a ray of light that you might see what a beautiful, caring, loving man you have become, and that you may realize how much you are loved and prized.
God Bless,
COG
PS You're a good man Charlie Brown!
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
That was a very moving post frank. I could have written that except you still have your W and I do not.
You know me, I could go "line by line" and talk you up; point out all that negative thinking. But as my friend IamTJ used to tell me: look at what you wrote and do a rewrite. Make it positive.
I don't need to tell you how to do that. Please do it when you are ready.
Much of what you wrote is what I am feeling, so please don't feel bad for feeling it.
Hurt is hurt. Just b/c we feel hurt does not mean the "little boy" is running things. Men hurt too.
And yes, we process the hurt, absorb it. But some of the hurt remains. Like scar tissue after a major operation - it may require another operation years later to remove some more of it - never get it all. Plus we were never the same after the first operation - corrected that ear infection but the hearing loss is always there.
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I just want to get out of this current life I'm in. I want the pain to go away.
Frank - You mentioned your previous depression. Well, your post sounds like you are slipping that way again.
I'm not denying that piecing is hard, or that WASs sometimes don't do a good enough job of addressing our pain when they return - I'm living that life. BUT - beyond that, you sound depressed. And as we all know, depression colors one's world, and makes things seem bleaker than they are.
Please try to get some help with this before you fall down the rabbit hole of depression, okay?
During the previous several years of my depression, before the bomb and the db'ing, I truly believed that there was nobody in the world who would come to my aid. Not even her. And I lost faith in myself so even I couldn't help me.
I recall that you felt your wife abandoned you in your time of need. You were battling depression and alcohol abuse and instead of providing comfort and aid she threatened to leave you.
Remember, thanks to you, she has since grown.
Does she know how you feel right now? Do you think that she can, or will at least attempt to, provide aid and support?
If my wife opened up and told me how she was feeling before walking away, my odds for success would be much better and there wouldn't be nearly as much personal trauma. Maybe you don't see yourself actually leaving in the near future but you know how resentment can build when you're in need of help and the ones you count on for support are not offering it. Stop the resentment before it has a chance to take root. Do not assume your wife, or anyone for that matter, know how you feel.
This opening up, the honesty, would have been a gift compared to how I found out about my wife's true feelings.
Give your wife that gift. Let her step up and appease your needs. Challenge her, in a sense, to be YOUR rock and to help you through this rough patch. Let her "woman up". I'm sure you must have doubts and fears - will she step up, is she strong enough, does she love me enough - but I think you need to face these fears.
Give your wife the opportunity to show you what she has learned and gained and grown into. Consider it a final exam for piecing... I imagine piecing is not complete until everyone feels whole once again.
Last edited by Michael Mc C; 12/20/0705:12 AM.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
You are now, and have always been, a survivor. The thing is, Frank, that damaged little boy that is inside you will always be there. It's time to embrace him, love him and tell him that he did the best he could with the circumstances that life handed him. He did GREAT. Look who he became! I know you are a fixer. That's what you do. But, you can't go back and "fix" him, nor should you. Accept him for who he is. Accept that this is one thing that the grown-up Frank can't fix. Give yourself permission to let him go. You really won't let him down if you do that.
You are a wonderful, giving man, Frank. I miss you.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
I had my mind opened the other night while helping my son study for his philosphy test. Buddhism. Something I knew nothing about. But a philophy that really speaks to the pain we experience in our relationships. Find a book on Buddhism and read up on it. I bet you will see what I'm saying. Basically, the philosophy says that we experience pain in our lives because we have uncontrolled desires. The 8-fold path to enlightenment teaches you to control your desires, reducing the pain in your life. What a great idea!
How are you? I'm sorry after all your work and commitment that you've arrived at a place where you're just not happy. I think Ellie might be right about the depression. Have you seen a Dr. about it?
I just want to share with you that you're feelings are probably not that unusual after weathering a marital storm. I've had them over the last year and have times of being very unhappy and doubtful. After the first bomb 8 years ago, J ended up where you are and this is what led to our most recent troubles. I was happy and hopeful and he was spiralling in hopelessness unable to deal with his feelings of hurt, anger and resentment. I didn't have a clue. You talk about not dealing with our feelings as a past issue. This isn't a past issue.. it's a present problem. The time to do this has not passed for you. That time is now.
I also wanted to pass on some advice from my C. We came through the bomb and I became depressed and didn't think I'd ever be happy again. J is being treated for depression also. We'd always heard that we have to love ourselves and be happy with ourselves first. I knew that but couldn't see exactly how this works in my life. I can say I love myself, but what does it really mean? What he told us chanced my life. First, apart or together, we're going to have to deal with our feelings of regret, bitterness and hurt. Getting out of the R after the major storm has passed will not lessen the past hurts. We've both been hurt, abused and unloved and that leaves scars.
To deal with this he said we have to love ourselves. Actively love ourselves and create an environment that is nurturing and peaceful. This starts with taking care of our physical health. We need to get plenty of rest, exercise, eat right, take vitamins and see our Dr. for a complete physical. We need to see a C regularly. Not every week, but enough to check in and know that we have a source of support for our mental health. We need to nurture ourself spiritually and take time to do whatever it is we do to connect to our spiritual side. The C described the atmosphere we should strive for in our home as peaceful, nurturing and open. He suggested that we have weekly family meetings so that we all stay connected and can share our feelings freely. He said this will help all of us (the kids to) to be heard and to work through problems so they don't fester.
The C asked us to answer these questions throughout our days: Is this healthy for me? Is this nurturing me? Am I doing this because I want to? Am I doing this because I want to earn someone elses approval? Is this loving and encouraging? Is this building me up or tearing me down? Am I giving more than I should? Am I allowing others to solve their own problems? He said when we're feeling low we should question what we're doing and the effects of it, especially to determine if it's loving and in our best interest.
I don't know if this will help you. Since we've put this in action I feel completely loved. It's not something that can be taken away from me because I know that I'm loving and forgiving of myself first. I try not to let my expectations of myself be bigger than what I can give. I know it's difficult to be where you are. I also know that it doesn't have to be permanent. We ignore our needs in a time of crisis, but there does come a time when we need to heal. That, like DB takes time. I started last April really loving myself and I'm more content now than I've ever been in my life. I can see now how it doesn't come from others, but from within. If I start feeling bad I know that I'm not taking care of my needs and it's time to do that.
Hugggggs.. I so hope you get to a better place soon.
