WAW does not want to try

[wawpioneer]

I am really trying to hang in there. It is difficult to to be positive when she is so unhappy. One thing that I might have left out in a couple of earlier posts is that I think she still loves OM and she misses him. The reason I say this is because Sunday night she said that what she had with OM had felt "natural" and that it was the only thing in her life that she had that made her feel happy and she does not have that any more. I think she is still grieving over OM at times. She says that she is not in contact with him but I don't know if I can believe that. His name is still programmed on her cell phone and there is a picture of a man on her computer by himself that I do not recognize. I know that I should not have been snooping but it is hard not to when she is so secretive. I do not have any access to her cell phone bills, myspace account, or e-mail accounts at all. She has not given me the passwords but I have not asked for them for fear that it would be perceived as controlling. All of this is hard to overcome. I think that I am getting compared to that EA and the OM and that really is not fair to us. Unfortunately, that is the way that it is right now. She told her sister that she has been back 4 days and still nothing has changed. I don't know what she expects nor what she thought would happen when she moved back in. Why did she move back in? She told her sister that she moved back so that down the road if she did leave she would not have to wonder how it would have turned out had she given it another chance. That is not the impression that I got when asked to move back in. It feels as if she is here just to ease her guilt or to try to justify in her mind that she did give it another chance and it still did not work so therefore, it was not meant to be. I am going to C today and am going to discuss all of this with him. I am just so lost and do not know what to do here. She is not willing to talk with me about anything but I have not asked so that I would not pressure her.

I know that I will have to have patience. I am just venting some here I guess. I wonder though if it was too early for her to move back in. I think she moved back in for the wrong reasons. Hopefully I will see something soon. I will look for smaller changes. Last night we rubbed each others backs but I am not sure that means anything at all.