- wife's father dies tragically - you leave for Afghanistan - depressed wife fears another "abandonment" - you could die over there - wife pushes you away because it seems less painful to push you away now than to risk losing you tragically later - wife finds comfort online with OM - wife has inherited addictive tendencies = vulnerable to the "dopamine high" of infatuation, similar brain chemistry to compulsive gambling, internet addiction, etc. - wife has low moral character: not necessarily because she was dumb enough to get involved with her married lover, but she told his wife it was HER fault - and is shameless enough to admit that to YOU later? Geez - seems like something one would be ashamed of admitting to one's new boyfriend/husband. (Wasn't that a big red flag????)
Anyway - in this setting, I make the following recommendations:
- quit pursuing, but don't "go dark". Part of the problem here in the first place was your absence. Make frequent contact with the kids, be an exemplary father, make your contacts with her upbeat and positive. Act As If you know nothing about the affair. Don't engage in R talks. Try to postpone any divorce talks until you get back home. Read up on validating - it's a great te chnique.
- think about her "love languages" and try to speak them. Of the following, which are the two ways she's been most likely to "hear" your love in the past (which got the most positive reactions)? - gifts - words of affirmation (compliments, love letters, etc) - physical touch (not sex, but holding hands, touching, snuggling) - quality time (spending time together, giving her your full attention, frequent contact) - acts of service (doing things for her, like washing her car, etc.)
Also - be careful about those in-laws. I know they're supportive, and SIL pointed you here. That's great - but in the long run, MIL will not sacrifice her R with her D for you. And things you say to them will leak back to W. And W will resent you for "turning her family against her". See it here all the time.
Take care of yourself over there. Make plans for your civilian future; dream big. Focus on your kids and on improving yourself.
This OM is a loser. With any luck, he'll have shown his true colors before you get back. After all, what kind of man pursues a married woman with three kids whose H is deployed? Either: - a guy who just wants to get laid and preys on lonely women; or - a guy with the same dopamine addiction issues as your wife; or - a loser who can't get a woman any other way and so is willing to take on one with three kids and a H; or - a loser who has to make himself feel like a "big man" by "rescuing" her
He'll never compare to you in the long run. Stay` strong. Be the superior man.
