Whaddup, dawg?!? Kuwait, eh? Hmmm. Sounds like a blast.
1.) Your W's addictive personality, combined with an online chatroom, added to your physical absence, is of course a potentially explosive sitch. No doubt about it. But your physical absence is *not* the cause of this madness. It may have provided the window of opportunity, but it wasn't the cause. The cause, I'd bet, is her insecurity. You've always been around to fill a void. In short, you were her "escape" mechanism. *You* and your children were her "addicition." When you left, in addition to grieving the death of her father -- and obviously not very well -- she needed someone/a group of people to fill the void. Not only did she land that, she "accidentally" picked up a guy that likes her ... *really* likes her, apparently. And that's fulfilling her insecurity problems...
It's a vicious cycle that didn't begin with you ... and won't end with you. She has to figure that out herself.
2.) Interesting. Her own AOL account, huh? The only thing that makes sense is that she's wanting to keep her online activities a secret from you. Whether you continue to "snoop" or not is up to you. It can indeed give you some great "ammunition," but the problem is -- and you can well relate to this -- the only time you need ammunition is when you're trying to kill or hurt something. Ponder that for a minute.
The better question re: snooping is: What is it doing to *you*? If you can handle it, fine. But if it's tearing you apart -- and if you're doing it merely for your "self-satisfaction" and not to gather information with which to confront your W -- then you may want to think twice about snooping.
I snooped on my H, so don't think that I'm above it. But I remember how badly the truth hurt. Sometimes it's needed. But once you've attained what you need, really think about the point of it.
3.) Rule of thumb in a sitch such as yours is this: Figure out what you *want* to do and say. Then do the opposite. Your knowledge of the circumstances -- or her knowledge of your knowledge, if that makes sense -- will not make or break the circumstances. *She* will do that. What you can do in the meantime is deal with this yourself -- work on you -- and you're doing that. Additionally, you can understand that anything you do or say to your W, as it relates to your M, *is* going to cause a reaction from her. What kind of reaction do you want? Tailor your actions and conversations with her accordingly. No contact with your W, contrary to how you're feeling, is *not* going to make the sitch worse.
You're so right: It's all "hurry up and wait." But the waiting part for you is the "space" part for her. It's giving her the opportunity to find out if the grass is truly greener on the other side. And it's the time when all the lovey-dovey hormones that she has developed for her online friends/OM will slowly die away. The more space you give her, the quicker her fantasy life will resolve itself, because no one keeps those butterflies forever, my friend. They "died" in your M when your infatuation with one another died and love took over. And they'll die in this relationship, too. And I, for one, do not believe that love will take over.
She's been married to you for 8 years. You're no longer per se filling her need for an addiction. You and the children are just "there," having become more of a habit than an addiction, and your family life has kept her too busy to need something to be addicted to. But now that you're not around, she's missing the feeling that she gets being addicted to something. That's why she's looking elsewhere. My hope is that she can break her addiction. And I think she will ... in time. Grant her that.
Contrary to the feelings she has developed for you, and the family you two have created over 8 years, OM is *definitely* and *totally* an escape for her. There are no responsibilities. He makes her forget about the pain of her father dying because her father didn't know him ... (and, I'd bet wouldn't have *wanted* to). When she looks at him, she doesn't see her children or her past or the "shackles" of family life and responsibility. She sees fresh and new. An escape.
4.) It's not fair. Plain and simple. You should not have to deal with this, period. Much less while you're overseas.
5.) I don't think it's a matter of you not keeping her satisfied. I think she's got some serious issues going on that have absolutely nothing to do with you. She's working through them, albeit in a very unhealthy way. And that leaves you in a position to work on *you* as much as possible. If/When the two of you are back together, I know from experience, your relationship will be all the better for it.
Keep your chin up. It was good to awake to an update from you today...
