OUR SITCH.....pray for us

[Lkyguy]

well much to my amazement she hasn’t pulled away today....we are being close & I’m not sure how to handle it....after I got out of the shower I saw her overnight bag & had to look in it...she emptied it but missed a garter/stocking...there was also a printed passage from the bible about forgiveness for lust......I think she is confused (obviously)...but don’t want to be a puppy dog willing to put up with abuse just to be pet............I know I need to disregard the affair & let it run its course...if i influence it .....it will backfire in my face...just how available should I be?...if she knows ill always be waiting for her ...then she has nothing to loose by running around...I guess I need to be a friend & continue to move forward in my life...& build a future for myself & my boys...detach with love....that’s the hard part....
thanx john

[Lkyguy]

anyone have thoughts on my last post...I need guidance

[bhopeful]

You already answered your own question. Detach with love and be her friend. It sounds like you already know everything that you're supposed to do. Now you just need implement it. As you say, that's the hard part. GAL and PMA are good places to start. Stop snooping. It will only drive you crazy and make it hard to GAL and have a PMA.

You can be her friend and enjoy your time together when she wants to be close to you. Don't put any expectations on the time that you do spend together though. And don't put any expectations on when she is going to be friendly with you. For me, friendship has been harder than when we had no contact. I see small positives and want more. That's why we detach though.

I don't know if any of this made sense. I'm getting a little tired. I hope that it helps some though.
Peace,
B

[Lkyguy]

thanx bhopeful...its a fine line being a friend & detaching emotionaly at the same time.....my coach stressed that being a friend & acting friendly are 2 diferent things........what helps for me is to step away & look at the sitch from afar...hard to do in the moment though...I try & imagine her as a guy friend...I try lots of things one thing I know is no matter what happens I wont have any regrets as to not doing ALL I could for my family & myself...LOVE to you all

[Lkyguy]

OK day 3 of friend ship , hugging, nice words.........what is this stuff working?...its dangerous to be hopeful...WAW was talking about the laundry (she hates the folding & putting away part) & I told her not to forget she has partners...ive been helping & been trying to get the kids to help more...( my wife’s language of love is acts of service)...she looks at me & says she knows she has one partner she never had before!..wow...that was pretty cool.............its hard to think she was sleeping with OM a few days ago...my ego is hurt when i think of it....I hope its over with them .....I want to ask her about him (she doesnt know that i KNOW)...but its way to early for that...she hasn’t made any announcements...just been much more friendly...its so confusing.........everyone in my support group say.. DONT let her suck you in!...keep your distance....I did that for all of 2 minutes...my goals are different than there goals.....I WANT TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE..I LOVE HER .....although I don’t know how I will ever trust her again.....nervous optimism..........

[dh4320]

dont bring up OM yet, its still early just my opinion things are going in your favor right now dont through a sword through it bite your tongue!!!!

DH4320

[Lkyguy]

OK so she left her phone in the BR & fell asleep in the 8 yr olds rm.......its like a car accident....i cant not look.....I’m crushed again...so I need guidance here... I want to get his name & info now...but it wont help me...it will just hurt me...ill say something when I’m hurting & she will know I snooped and feel betrayed & run to him more.......that’s the problem w snooping...
Ok detachment...I want to draw a line in the sand...right now she has her cake & eat it 2...I need to distance myself with her but not distance her with me.....this maybe fricken impossible...4 me anyway....I want to tell her "no more hugs"...its 2 painful...I want to say lets get through this "LAST xmas" & see a mediator so you can move out & I can move on......I want to use my anger to insulate me from the pain of being cheated on.....that’s the only way I know how to detach...but i know its all wrong...not going to bring me closer to my goal Of reconciliation......I think my strategy is to continue to draw her to me...be there for her...let the affair run its course.....this is why snooping makes DB harder...I have alot going for me...why I’m I willing to put up w dishonest cheating spouse?...I feel pathetic...all of my support group ( even my therapist) would say.. LET HER GO...don’t act like you are getting on with your life...GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE...I sometimes feel that i must cut the cord or I wont make any REAL headway....its a delicate sitch though...please help

[john210]

lky,
I have my doubts about my WAW, however, I was lucky that I found this site before I started snooping. i can not put myself in your shoes and the last thing i want to do is tell you what you should do. What I can say is like you I would find it very very difficult to forgive. Perhaps that would be my motivation to actually get a life and seriously detach. I would need some "serious" actions on her part to overcome this. I know that is not the general consensus on this site or book. I wanted to share this with you because I think it is normal to be angry.
Take a deep breath and think about whether or not she is worth all she is putting you through. If you answer yes...go read that book and DB like HELL!!!!!!!

[bhopeful]

First off. Great job on not snooping!!! Give yourself a pat on the back for that one. I know that the temptation must have been overwhelming.

Don't use your anger to detach. It may help you detach, but not the kind of detachment that you want. Detachment because of resentment is not a path to reconciliation. You want to detach with love. It's pretty hard to do but I think that you can do it. It sounds like you already know this though.

You're not pathetic. The people around you don't understand the depth of your love for your W. You can get on with your life while still leaving an opening for reconciliation. Re-read the chapter on GAL.

Peace,
B

[Lkyguy]

OK ...i text her how I so wanted to believe her when she said "I am the only one who gets her" & she missed me....she text back..."you give up pretty easily for someone who loves someone so much, lets just get this thing overwith as quickly & painlessy as possible"
what i get from this is maybe she doesnt want me to give up...& that this is painful for her as well...........I sure wish I didnt screw this all up..BY SNOOPING!!!!!..we were so close this weekend....I miss her so.....GOD help me