H said it has been more than a year. So I'm not horrible, but I've pushed him away for years. I would love it if he wrote a list of greivences or wrong doings. I don't think he knows WTH he can't stand me anymore.
Your H is probably so overwhelmed and confused right now that he couldn't verbalize his thoughts even if he wanted to. It really doesn't make any difference if it took a month, a year or whatever for you to push him away. It happened, it's done, you can't change it. I would probably avoid conversations like this if at all possible, as they really don't help matters at all - All that really happens is that you reaffirm his belief that there is a reason for him to leave.
From what I'm hearing, he certainly isn't behaving as if he can't stand you. Things aren't perfect, but he's around almost every day and seems to want to participate in family activities.
H said it has been more than a year. So I'm not horrible, but I've pushed him away for years. I would love it if he wrote a list of greivences or wrong doings. I don't think he knows WTH he can't stand me anymore.
Your H is probably so overwhelmed and confused right now that he couldn't verbalize his thoughts even if he wanted to. It really doesn't make any difference if it took a month, a year or whatever for you to push him away. It happened, it's done, you can't change it. I would probably avoid conversations like this if at all possible, as they really don't help matters at all - All that really happens is that you reaffirm his belief that there is a reason for him to leave.
From what I'm hearing, he certainly isn't behaving as if he can't stand you. Things aren't perfect, but he's around almost every day and seems to want to participate in family activities.
I agree with you Brit that he doesn't think I am a horrible person. He said he thought we were talking better, but he communicates nothing w/ me. It is almost like he wants me to act like the person in I was in the past so that he can justify what he is doing. I want to go back to being a big B...., but I know I shouldn't. I want to be selfish, but I know I can't. I just think I am making it too easy for him although I made the mistake of telling him that and he said that it has been real easy sleeping in the office and his car. I wanted to say you chose to leave but I didn't.
Today H is picking up D from skating as I have a work commitment. I am not making any arrangements for dinner. H will have to take care of that however he chooses. I am also letting H put the Ds to bed, get them up in the morning, get them ready and take them to school. He needs to walk a few hundred miles in my shoes.
I've been over and over this one too. It's kind of chicken or the egg thing. Did I become this person because of how you treated me or were you treating me this way because of the person I became?
Does it even matter? I'm finding it far more important to love my W and treat her in the way that she needs to be, independent of how she acts or behaves. Guess what - The more I give my W the love and attention she needs, the more I get from her what I need to. Seems to work out much better than the way things used to be.
So, rather than trying to understand how or why things got to this point, why not try to put it aside and if possible, be the way you want to be with your spouse - Sure, maybe we don't have all the freedom we used to with them, but if they're at least around us for a while we can work on it.
I agree with you Brit that he doesn't think I am a horrible person. He said he thought we were talking better, but he communicates nothing w/ me. It is almost like he wants me to act like the person in I was in the past so that he can justify what he is doing. I want to go back to being a big B...., but I know I shouldn't. I want to be selfish, but I know I can't. I just think I am making it too easy for him although I made the mistake of telling him that and he said that it has been real easy sleeping in the office and his car. I wanted to say you chose to leave but I didn't.
You're spending way too much time waiting for your H to do something, and your entire life is being spent doing stuff with your D's. Not healthy at all. Get out of the house with some friends, go see a movie, whatever it is that you do to relax. You're not going to get a positive reaction out of him at all for a while, so don't even try.
Did your C really ask you to ask him how things were going? That just seems rather crazy to me.
Originally Posted By: lizzy
Today H is picking up D from skating as I have a work commitment. I am not making any arrangements for dinner. H will have to take care of that however he chooses. I am also letting H put the Ds to bed, get them up in the morning, get them ready and take them to school. He needs to walk a few hundred miles in my shoes.
I would agree that he needs to pick up some slack when it comes to your D's - Certainly having a more formal arrangement would go some ways to helping that. You seem to be more stressed by the unpredictability and lack of structure you are facing than anything else. You don't know if H is coming or going from one day to the next.
I agree with you Brit that he doesn't think I am a horrible person. He said he thought we were talking better, but he communicates nothing w/ me. It is almost like he wants me to act like the person in I was in the past so that he can justify what he is doing. I want to go back to being a big B...., but I know I shouldn't. I want to be selfish, but I know I can't. I just think I am making it too easy for him although I made the mistake of telling him that and he said that it has been real easy sleeping in the office and his car. I wanted to say you chose to leave but I didn't.
You're spending way too much time waiting for your H to do something, and your entire life is being spent doing stuff with your D's. Not healthy at all. Get out of the house with some friends, go see a movie, whatever it is that you do to relax. You're not going to get a positive reaction out of him at all for a while, so don't even try.
Did your C really ask you to ask him how things were going? That just seems rather crazy to me.
Originally Posted By: lizzy
Today H is picking up D from skating as I have a work commitment. I am not making any arrangements for dinner. H will have to take care of that however he chooses. I am also letting H put the Ds to bed, get them up in the morning, get them ready and take them to school. He needs to walk a few hundred miles in my shoes.
I would agree that he needs to pick up some slack when it comes to your D's - Certainly having a more formal arrangement would go some ways to helping that. You seem to be more stressed by the unpredictability and lack of structure you are facing than anything else. You don't know if H is coming or going from one day to the next.
Yes my C did really tell me to lay things out for H and try to get feedback. Basically she felt I had nothing to loose. I wish now I wouldn't have done it but it is too late and what's done is done.
You are right, I totally need to GAL. Unfortunately, all my friends are happily married w/ children. It is hard too find someone to spend time with.
You are also right that I spend too much time taking care of Ds. I have done it for 15 years w/ no break. H was in Grad school when first D was born and Post-doctural fellowship when second was born. I have pretty much done everything from the beginning. It is time for him to pick up some slack.
I told H last night to bring a schedule today. I won't hold my breath, that would take thought and commitment.
I told H last night to bring a schedule today. I won't hold my breath, that would take thought and commitment.
Why not make one and tell him "lets do this".
We do this (nights - Whoever has her that night picks her up from daycare that evening)
Mon: W Tue: W Wed: M Thu: M Fri/Sat/Sun: Alternate
We don't stick to it very strictly anymore - I had D last night even though it was W's night with it. She just happened to be at my house when she got tired
I found 8 signs that our relationship is toxic. 1. H is emotionally unavailable 2. H is non-reienforcing for me 3. I am overly dependent 4. H has the power to impact my feelings about myself 5. I am a chronic fixer 6. I have a fantasy that H will change or come around 7. H won't forgive or forget 8. My needs/wants are being ignored
This is bang on! J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
I told H last night to bring a schedule today. I won't hold my breath, that would take thought and commitment.
Why not make one and tell him "lets do this".
We do this (nights - Whoever has her that night picks her up from daycare that evening)
Mon: W Tue: W Wed: M Thu: M Fri/Sat/Sun: Alternate
We don't stick to it very strictly anymore - I had D last night even though it was W's night with it. She just happened to be at my house when she got tired
We pretty much did have a schedule of Tues. & Thurs. were his nights. I forgot last week since he was out of town and infringed on his Thurs. Then he came back so sick and didn't even say anything about the weekend until it was over. He won't put anything in writing because that would require thought and commitment. H is ready for either. I do give him a schedule each week of all of our events and try to give him a monthly. Then we agree to who does what. He did switch days w/ me this week because I have work commitments. Even on his nights I take D to skating because he won't leave work early.
I found 8 signs that our relationship is toxic. 1. H is emotionally unavailable 2. H is non-reienforcing for me 3. I am overly dependent 4. H has the power to impact my feelings about myself 5. I am a chronic fixer 6. I have a fantasy that H will change or come around 7. H won't forgive or forget 8. My needs/wants are being ignored
This is bang on! J~
I'm glad I'm finally thinking straight about something. Now I need to do something about it. I have still been trying to fix H instead of me. Time to fix me and forget about H. If he wants to self-destruct, so be it, I'll survive.
My Ds took me spending the night away from home better than I thought. H picked up D10 from the rink and talked to him the bare minimum if that. Not a good thing I realize because I'm sure I came off as a B. I called Ds about 8:45 and talked to both. D10 said she would call me at bedtime so I could sing her song to her which we did. I then called D15 at her bedtime.
I guess D10 had leftover pizza and D15 made some shrimp from the freezer for dinner. I did leave any instructions for dinner, but there were plenty of things to make. I decided I can't enable my H anymore by having dinner ready for them or laying everything out. He needs to start taking responsibility.
I called D15s phone in the morning to tell them to have a good day. Talked to both Ds. D10 seemed a little sad but didn't say anything about it.
I didn't talk to H when I called at night or in the morning. I wonder if he even thinks about the fact that I called Ds phone and not his. H always calls mine instead of Ds which I don't get. I don't know if it is his way of controling me or talking to me with out looking like he is talking to me. Another mystery that will never be solved.
