NikB's latest update (#23)

[NikB]

Thanks all!

Doing a little 180 and journaling first THEN will reply...

Journaling:

After Sat. night I was feeling great!! And Sunday was soooo nice. The wind died down and it was really sunny and beautiful in Sonoma. I woke up late... enjoyed a leisurely time sitting in my room, listening to the fountain, etc. Checked out and then went downtown to wander around and Christmas shop. Then realized I had no idea what to get anyone.. so I bought a few souvenirs for myself but mostly browsed. I had an interesting "ah ha" moment. I remembered my last trip I was desparately scouring the stores thinking I "HAD" to find the perfect thing to decorate my room .. you know, that thing I'd look at and be instantly transported to another time and place and life would be great? That thing.

Anyway.. obviously that doesn't exist... but this time when I found things I liked I just felt at peace. I didn't question myself, put way TOO much significance on it, etc. I got a winter-y decoration - pine branch with bird nest, covered in "snow", and then picked out a bird for the nest, and I got a really pretty carved stone candle holder.. just little things like that. I put them out in the living room and they've been making me smile a lot. The nest/bird is my only "holiday" decoration out so far and somehow it feels really good that the first decoration is something I picked all on my own. Had a really nice lunch out in a courtyard and enjoyed the flowers, hummingbirds, just time to think.

I halfway (ok maybe 20% of the way..) seriously looked at apartments near the plaza. I feel SO at home there every time I go it's just incredible. I need to figure out what "it" is that makes me feel that way. If it's just the fact of being on vacation I can't really replicate that regularly - but if it's something more, I want to figure out what it is and make that a goal in my life. I THINK I'm more of a "small town" girl than I ever realized... I find myself drawn lately towards smaller towns, or towards small-town-like celebrations. (i.e. the chicken festival, tree lighting, Sonoma plaza).

Drove home most of the way with the convertible top down... as I got closer to home it got colder and colder so I finally pulled over to put it up when I was shivering and teeth were rattling . I was singing at the top of my lungs the whole time, too. I was telling husband (not mine, the DB'er) that I forget sometimes I'm a horrible singer and only sing in the car - but now that I have a convertible people can hear me!! Gotta keep that in mind.

About 30 minutes from home my phone rang and it was H... I answered (top down, radio loud) and he said "Wow cruising?" I said "Yep!" He said he was on his way to the store to get our "traditional" Sunday steak dinner stuff and wanted to be sure I hadn't already gone to the store. Not sure what to make of that but it was interesting... the assumption I'd be home, the eagerness on his part to make it "our" usual night, just kinda struck me as interesting.

I got home and he said "Have fun?" and pretty much rushed out to help me bring in my suitcase.. I said "Yep! Great time!" and that was it. He didn't ask more but kept looking at me funny, especially when I put up the decorative things that I got.

We had steak dinner.. he made a really nice fire.. watched a movie.. snuggled a bit on the couch. I downloaded my pics to the laptop but didn't get them up online yet - noticed he was watching both that and me emptying my suitcase really closely. Oh and he even found a reason to bring up what he did Sat. night (when I didn't ask after he dropped several hints he brought it up again and told me where he went). Turns out he went down the street and had dinner with the neighbors. That really surprised me.

All in all still very detached, more watching out of curiosity than anything... and feeling stronger after my trip.

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Ok on to replies!

Max
Aw sorry it's dark, wet, and horrible! Hope you had a better day.

Hmm there seem to be a lot of you in the UK - are any of you close enough together to do a meet there??

Ellie
Glad you liked that. I think the "Don't think so" sounds kinda "cocky" here where it was really more of a non-chalant "Oh I'm not sure who all is coming" but I'm sure it sent the same message, nontheless.

You know, he's NEVER mentioned D... he's mentioned wanting to be "not married," "broken up," "great friends but that's it," but never D. I think it sounds less "important" to him if he doesn't label it what it is or something. Dunno. But yeah, he 'forgets' stuff/convos ALL the time. I told him SOOO many times about being gone Sat. night to make sure he'd be home to watch the dog... Sat. comes, suitcase comes out, and it's like "Hey are you going somewhere?" Geez.

f21
Thanks so much - especially for checking in when you had so much going on!!

You know, I think you're right on the birthday. His mom called him tonight and now he won't answer her calls even. Weird. I figured she'd be the one to "decide" for him on his birthday, but he's apparently not allowing that to happen. It's all so strange.

You are SO right and it's funny, during my thinking time in Sonoma I had the same thought - I DON'T want to be around his mom right now. If he does go to his mom's I think I will pass. I feel like some awful W for saying that but like you said - it just doesn't feel like it should even be an option for me, I don't want to be around her when she's been rude/dismissive to me. I don't want to sit there all night wondering what she's heard or why she dislikes me (or if she does). Yuck. Thanks for the insight!!

Donna
Thank you!! Oooh great idea - yes, find somewhere to enjoy yourself while your H freezes in the yard. You must know someone (or some hotel) where you can do that??

ST
Me too!! I'd love to meet you.

Yeah, I agree on the control, that made a big difference in my whole feeling/attitude, I think.

Umm..room.. um.. what?? Ok ok, no. Although I lived in hotels/motels the last few nights except Sun, does that count?? I'm still trying to force myself to do it... it's just such a leap!! It sounded safe until I went to do it, then got really scary.

As for H - I haven't said a word about one guy attending! It was kind of funny actually because (and I think 'husband' the DB'er will back me up on this) it was kind of awkward since only the two of us showed up. Cool in that it was great for visiting, but it was weird in that the waitress kept saying things like "So are you two OK?" (I haven't been "you two" with someone other than H in a very long time!!). I mean WE knew we weren't there on a date or having an A or something but I'm sure from outside appearances it was a bit different. I always wonder what people at nearby tables think if they hear DB'ers talking about OW, OM, "bomb day," etc. too. Doesn't matter THAT much but I'm sure it sounds pretty crazy from an outside perspective.

H did look through my pics a bit - I took only scenery type ones and none at dinner as we both agreed it might not be a great idea (although now wishing we'd taken pics.. but we just thought it might look bad even though it wasn't). In looking at my pics H asked where the ones of me and my friends were - I said we didn't take pics that part of the night.. that's about all though. (hindsight I should've said "what happens in Sonoma stays in Sonoma" or something fun like that!).

Sally
Would love to meet you sometime!! Hmm gotta think of somewhere worth visiting that's in between for all of us... hmmm.

husband
Y'know, I hafta agree! I had a great time, as well. Awww I feel bad you were tense about meeting me, I'm not scary, I promise.

Funny that stood out for you on what we talked about... it did for me as well, although I'm still not so sure what it actually means.

Yep, looking forward to a next visit soon!!