Pregnant and abandoned #3

[blindsided1]

Okay, nobody is posting on my thread. I know it's probably because I am being that broken record again and being negative. Well, here is a positive. I decided that when I can't get any answers to my posts, it would be a good idea to read other threads and some of the advice from seasoned DB'ers. It worked. I was feeling pretty blah most of today. Not deeply depressed, but not upbeat, just kind of in limbo. I started reading other areas on the board. It really helps. I feel much better now and really nothing has happened. I haven't talked to him. And, to be honest that is sometimes much better than talking to him. I get so anxious about conversations, that I know I have a tendancy to sabotage them and make them something negative. So for now, ENOUGH! Back to work, stop dwelling. Put it off until another time.

[ann25]

LOL.... it's a slow monday hun... not many people are posting

I am very happy that you have started reading other posts. It's good to read about all different situations. It'll halp you see that you are not alone in this. I really like reading the sucess stories. sooooo encouraging.

you are doing good!

[JennyF]

blinsided,
I like your last post!!
Especially this...

So for now, ENOUGH! Back to work, stop dwelling. Put it off until another time.

I do this a lot. I tell myself (or type to myself) what I need to do. I may necessarily feel that way, but if I type it with enough conviction then it's a start! Fake it 'til you make it right?!

You asked me on my thread if I ever lose hope. Well, I struggled with this a lot at first. I thought that the hope was something that I needed to justify. Soomething that needed proof from H to make it relevent and when I didn't get that reinforcement...YES, I lost hope. But then over time I've come to keep the hope filed in my heart, knowing that a lot of other things need to happen in order for their to be a chance. Now I call it FAITH. RCR descibed faith to me as this:

Faith isn't sensory based. It is something present in the absence of evidence; that is why it is a leap.

I have no evidence that my H will come back and I've done my best to stop looking for it. BUT, I believe in my heart that he will...eventually. I refuse to let go of that feeling. I've accepted though that it is going to take a long time. And I know that if I dwell on his every move and let my emotions get the better of me (especially around him) it will take even longer. My goal is to do all that is within my power using the DB principles to speed this up and doing as little as possible of what will slow it down. I still have absolutely no evidence that it is working, but I have FAITH!!
I have also accepted that it will probably get worse before it gets better. This helps to keep my expectations realistic, and I don't feel disappointed as often.

All of what you're feeling is what I felt (and still do feel) too. And I know hormones did play a large role in it for me as well. But keep doing what you talked about in your last post. It sounded great! The strongest I've heard you!!
You'll get there!
J~

[blindsided1]

It's tough. Like right now. Sunday and Monday nights he is alone because OW works jacked up hours. In my heart I think..."why isn't he calling me? She's not there, isn't he thinking of me?" When I spoke to him the other night, he asked me why I didn't call him on my way home from a party? I asked "Why?". He said we could have met up and done something. I'm not usually the one who calls him. I DON'T call him, unless I absolutely have to. So, it was weird to hear him say that. Am I doing the right thing by not calling him? He said that one of the issues was that I didn't show him the attention he needs. But, when we were started going through this and he couldn't decide whether he should stay with me or give it a go with the OW, he told me to give him his space. I was super clingy and I think I pushed him out. So, I'm confused. We are supposed to look for the things that work. How do you know what's working? I haven't called him in weeks unless he calls me first. I don't see any movement closer to me. But, if I do initiate contact, I risk rejection or no response (which has happens a lot). What do I do? Do I just stay dark and see what happens? If he doesn't call or text me today, that will be 2 days. I know it sounds pathetic, but we haven't ever gone 2 full days without any contact. It just makes me nervous. Help help help.

[JennyF]

One thing that helps me when I fear I'm going to lose my H forever is....we have two kids together. He isn't actually going anywhere...ever. We're connected for life whether we like it or not. You are in the same boat because you're pregnant. So with all the ups and downs of his life now or later...you will be a constant regardless.

Am I doing the right thing by not calling him? He said that one of the issues was that I didn't show him the attention he needs.

I think you are doing the right thing. You didn't show him the attention he needed when you were together, he's now choosing to be with someone else...he loses that privilege.

he couldn't decide whether he should stay with me or give it a go with the OW, he told me to give him his space. I was super clingy and I think I pushed him out

It is a bit of a contradiction isn't it?? Give him space...give him attention??

I say...stop focusing on his needs altogether and focus on your own. Don't call him. Good for you for going 2 days without talking to him. You need to show him that you're independant and you don't need him. Want him yes, need him no.

I hear you talk a lot about the 'fear' that he will happier with OW and not want to come back to you. Again, remember that you are connected for life and he is not going anywhere. How can he miss you if doesn't have space from you? How can he realize that OW isn't right for him if he doesn't spend time with her to figure that out? This is one of the hardest things for me to accept because I do not him with OW (obviously!)...but if it ended now and he came back to me right away, I think he'd always be wondering what could have been with her. So I'll let it go so it can self destruct. It will...it has to. I HAVE FAITH!!!
J~

[forward]

Hi BlindS,

I relate to your situation and feel deeply for women whose Hs leave during pregnancy. My H did not physically leave during pregnancy but emotionally abandoned me when I was about 6 months along. He was horrible to me after our D was born and left to live w/OW when she was 14 months old.

Doesn't take rocket scientist to realize that Hs are scared to become fathers. It means the attention has to be on someone besides them. It also means that they feel less free.

"Am I doing the right thing by not calling him?"

In my opinion, yes. You may have to go through this yourself. Please take care of yourself and find people who can support you.

I would tell him of your appointments; do not assume he will go to them. My H didn't go to the last childbirth class that I had.

"He said that one of the issues was that I didn't show him the attention he needs."

Translation: H is too immature to recognize that this is not about him and it's time to be about someone else now. Or he does recognize this and it scares him.

Here's what the DB C told me:

-H lacks confidence as father. Praise anything he does that demonstrates interest, but don't press it.

-When baby is born, point to their special connection. Point out how baby reacts to him.

-I had to do things to make H feel less like a babysitter and more like her father. Example: Well, time for you to take baby to your apartment. No highchair? Gosh, that does indeed sound like a problem. No diapers? sounds like a problem.

-Many Hs show little interest in children until the kids are about 18 months old. I see my H showing more interest since around that time.

Please PM me if you want. I know that the situation is unique.

There are few men who are as frowned upon as those who abandon pregnant wife. He will be under a lot of pressure.

The best advice that I can give you is to put the focus on yourself and the baby.l

[forward]

Oh, and BlindS,

You're in the worst part of things right now (the "bomb").

But it will get easier.

Please take care of yourself. Many of us lose weight. Do what you can to eat well and feel well.

[blindsided1]

Jenny - I know what you are saying about him coming home right now. If he did come home right now and NOT KNOW that it was definately over with OW, he would leave or at least cheat on me again. I feel that at the very core. It's just really hard and I know you know that. For not talking to him in 2 days, I don't exactly feel horrible. Yes, I feel sad and disappointed that he isn't thinking of me, but maybe he is and I don't know it.

Breton - I feel very fortunate to have a huge support system. My family, my friends are great, his family is totally supporting me emotionally. As a matter of fact, he hardly even talks to his family because he knows how much he disappointed them. His Mother called me the other day, just crying because her dreams have been shattered too. She actually apologized for her son. I told her not to apologize for him, he was an adult and we would get through this. H has been good about the appointments. So far he hasn't missed one and we have had a lot of them. I can't imagine that OW is very pleased with that, if she even knows. But, I don't really care about her one iota. I do believe that the pregnancy and the idea of becoming a father scared the crap out of him. We have been going through fertility since February and he was always really supportive. But, the idea of becoming a father and the reality of it are two different things. I think that is part of the reason he ran. I do believe he is afraid to grow up and be more tied down. But, for god sake, he's an adult. He is almost 30. When do he think it will be appropriate for him to grow up? Ever?

Tomorrow is a new day. It almost feels like H and I are at a standoff to see who will call first. Not gonna be me!!!

[WAS32]

2 days!!! That's great. You are doing a good job keep it up. He's going to have a hard time trying to figure out why you're not calling him. He won't understand where the needy went. It will be good for him. Let him wonder because you know he is. And if you think it's a stand off then treat it like one. Just make sure you win!

Again good job! You can do it!!!!!

[blindsided1]

I woke up this morning bawling, again. I am in a total funk right now. This is day 3 of not talking to him. We have never gone this long without talking EVER. I feel like he has just forgotten about me. Out of sight out of mind. It hurts like hell. I'm so sad right now. Could I really be that insignificant to him? I knew that if I pulled away, he would let me. I feel like I mean nothing to him. I don't know if I am doing the right thing. I just feel the distance growing between us. I'm afraid. Iam afraid that he will get use to not being with me or talking to me and I'll just be his Ex. I'm angry that he did this to me, to our family, to our life. And, it seems like it was so easy to just give up our family (that we worked so hard to create), for some stranger. This is why I look for reassurances. I feel like if he calls me or reaches out to me, he still cares. Three days? Not missing me much, is he? And, I don't know that he is wondering why I haven't called, if he were wondering wouldn't he call? I'm sure that many of you went through this. Didn't it scare you when the phone calls and contact became less and less frequent? Does it get better? Or do they just get use to not being around you or talking to you and go off into the sunset with their OP?