Long and bumpy road

[Startingover2]

D stands for dear....probably should drop the d part.

My H left in July 06. We had many issues that he didn't want to address from blending families to his addictions. When he didn't want to do anything about this stuff I became angry and he withdrew. He left in a huff one day. I was devastated. I thought i couldn't live without him. He told me that he was just 'taking a break' and we could work on our issues. Even when he filed for divorce, it was just temporary. He would come by weekly, sometimes bi weekly and usually when he was drinking....we had sex, he said ILY, I miss you, etc. then leave and within a day or so I would get a text telling me he cannot forgive me (for what?) and it wouldn't work. I would be devastated all over again. Pretty soon I found out he was Mr. club/party/womanizer. I live in a small town and would hear everytime he went out and what sleaze he was all over. We never truly had a break. I had abandoned all of my things that were bugging me about him just to try and have him back.

In June of this year I got pregnant and found out mid July. He thought it was some sign that we should be back together but go really slowly. Fine with me, but then I started to find out he was still in contact with a girl who he dated and was intimate with during the separation. The rest is history and you can read it in my threads. So I have been on this rollercoaster for almost 1 1/2 years now. Looking back, my attempts to stay connected to him thru sex or being this wonderful wife didn't work. They just made him cake eat all the more. He never wanted me to move on,and when I started to is when he would pull the ILY's etc.

I love my baby and wouldn't trade her for anything, but looking back I wished I would have just walked away and not looked back. I would have been farther down the road by now.

I have no idea why this pregnancy happened. I am now concerned with her being healthy and in a stable home more than what is best for me...but it doesn't make it hurt any less.