Today W sent an email full of worry about unilateral financial moves on my part. My paycheck is direct-deposited into an account, from which our mortgage is automatically paid. Last week I raised the issue budgets with her - now that she has filed for divorce I want to get an apartment so I can have the kids regularly. We cannot afford the house and a new apartment. So we need to cut expenses, which likely means selling the house. I asked if she had a budget plan for her new place. She sounded surprised by this talk. To me, her being surprised is a surprise: She has been "asking" for a divorce since summer 2007, but filed only in late November.
Anyway now she is worried about me "taking back" half my paycheck, warned me it would have repercussions on my credit rating. (As if that is top of mind for me?). I replied assuring her I had no intentions of making unilateral changes, but that we needed to get realistic about our expenses. We needed to prepare for the split. At our current rate, we are spending much more than I make in income, every month. This financial distress is not helping our relationship.
( deep breaths. in... out.... calm envelopes me as I breathe. in....out....)
I feel horrible about her situation. I hate being the one to bring the unpleasant news, that she cannot continue to live in the big house while I live in a box. But at this point I need to see my kids more often and more regularly, and they need to see me as a Dad with a solid foundation (a house, apartment). If we eventually divorce I need to have a place where they can stay. Since I am barred from her house (formerly our house), I need a place of my own, which means we gotta sell the place where she lives.
Options?
I could continue to live on borrowed funds while she lives in the large expensive family home, contributing no income. This is basically what I am doing now, and it feels like she is abusing her position of me. Also it's not healthy for me, living in a room at a friend's house. No closet, no place to call my own.
She could re-instate her permission for me to come into the house. Then I could see the kids regularly, on weekends and evenings, whether she is there or not. I wouldn't need an apartment. I feel this would be a big step (not likely at this point) toward re-building our marriage. It would represent a huge de-escalation on her part.
We could sell the house and both of us could get our own apartments. This feels like moving rapidly away from each other.
She could move out into her friend's basement (nearby, free) and I could move back into the house. I would of course welcome her to visit her kids any time. I feel like this would be a big concession on her part, at least. She'd be willing to endure some hardship for the good of the family.
Should I propose this list to her? I don't want to pursue. I don't want to say "let's call the whole divorce thing off!" because she knows my views, I have said it many times.
I think maybe the best approach is to wait. Take it slow. See what develops. Stay positive while waiting!
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
