WAW says "I'm filing for D", but no papers

[SirPrizeMe]

B, so glad you think that way. I will take your advice to be cautious, go slow, no sudden moves.

She is ambivalent about barring me from the house, that's for sure. She told me she had changed the locks during a phone conversation where I was asking her if I could get my bike (I like to ride). After telling me the locks were changed she immediately began to tell me where she had hidden the key.

In parallel we are having difficult discussions about splitting expenses - "temporary orders" during the divorce negotiation. One of her suggestions was for her to move out into an apartment, and me to move into the house again (alone).

I told her, "no, I'm getting my own place, I'm not going back to that. You've told me I can't come in, you've changed the locks. I'm not coming back."

Is this too strong?

I said this in trying to act from strength, but now looking back, maybe this was a gift for me. Maybe me accepting her idea and moving back into the house, would offer a place she could come back to.... Whereas if I got my own (new) apartment, it would not be someplace to come back to.

Maybe I should have thought about it some more.

Why I reacted the way I did - I don't like to be moved around like a chess piece at her whim. I moved out of the house at her request (Actually I moved out after she told me she is still talking to OM), now she is asking me to move back in while she moves out, etc etc. I feel like I am getting yanked around. I'm willing to do it, it's not ego. But I'm thinking, why would she want to re-commit to such a spineless guy?

It's like the old joke - "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member." Sometimes I think her view of me is like that - I have tolerated her infidelity for so long that she has lost respect for me. I have wept over the stress in front of her, and I think she cannot bear to see it, cannot bear to be married to me because of it.

Why? Why do I say this? Lots of things. She has told me that when she looks at me she sees a good man. She just can't live with me (insert accusation of abuse here). How the abuse part jives with the "good man" part, I don't know. She's an introvert, hesitant to share feeligns. As if strong feeligns are just bad, no matter what. Child of an alcoholic, she just hid in her room when she was scared or worried (which was often), and I think she continues that pattern now. Also - She has repeatedly suggested that I find another woman, someone who will appreciate me, someone who fits me better. She even suggested her own best friend.

For this reason I feel like I need to re-establish myself as someone worthy of respect. I need to be stronger and more principled. At the same time showing the empathy i truly feel for her.

On a separate note, Today I am going to write her a short note about how much fun I had at S11's birthday dinner last night.