Growing and healing is hard. Why? Because for some of us who found ourselves in this situation and on this board we were pretty messed up when we got here.
For me anyway, that was true.
I did all the 'right' things. stopped the negative behaviors, no pursuing, be the 'rock'.
I couldn't just shut off my feelings, but I could vent here and pretend I was 'ok' when I was around W or the Kids. Just focused on being 'perfect' and all the things I needed to be so that we could go through this and hopefully keep the family together.
The OM, the 'I want a divorce', all the pain. Absorb it, keep going. Be strong. That's how I lived my entire life, the abusive childhood, the bad business partners. Absorb it, be strong.
And it worked. It's been about 18 months since we rebuilt our marriage and we're still together. My W has grown immensely, she is past the need to run away, she is strong. I'm proud of her.
But, the pain inside me never got addressed. The past hurts that were there for years before this happened. The feeling of not being 'good enough' slowly creeps its way back into my life. Anxiety, tension, fear. Can't focus for more than a few hours at a time so I don't get a lot of my work done.
Back in August 2006 I posted that when we started to make our marriage work she kind of just cruised for the next several months. I didn't push her to make her business work and she didn't try. In hindsight I know what I was doing was continuing to play the role I had chosen while DB'ing. The role of the 'secret' victim.
At that time my Counselor said that during the affair I survived and was able to engineer the possibility of success because I stayed in my logical mind more than I did in my emotional mind. I saw a problem, I found the solution.
Now that I don't have to 'fight' any more my emotional self has had over a year to rear its head and demand it be comforted, satisfied, appeased. The little boy that was hurt finally wants to be comforted.
At the time, I talked to my counselor about that and the fact that I have always had a belief that, no matter what happens in my life, I will always be ok. She says it a result of my faith in myself, that I believe I can take care of myself. The problem is that my whole life I have always been alone. Yes, I have friends, and I used to always surround myself with people. But inside I am always alone.
During the previous several years of my depression, before the bomb and the db'ing, I truly believed that there was nobody in the world who would come to my aid. Not even her. And I lost faith in myself so even I couldn't help me.
When I 'engineered' the restoration of my marriage and everything was 'safe', the old feelings slowly found their way back. Mostly because I was tired. I was tired because I felt like "here I am, once again giving up what I need in order to save someone else". I 'saved' my wife, but at what cost?
The last time I saw my counselor, over a year ago, she asked me if I was tired, was I just waiting for the kids to grow up and leave so I could move on without my wife. Did I save her and them and now resent her for her 'free pass' and my still unresolved life issues?
I couldn't say 'no' and I've been stuck for a while in my own ambivalence. I'm glad we're together but I'm not happy with my life.
In many ways I think I've been 'DBing' still. Not really feeling like I can be ok with just being 'me'. I guess that's because I still sometimes have trouble believing that she won't do something again. I know logically that she's past that stage in her life so I should feel better. I know it's really the 'little boy' who still has not had his needs addressed.
But it's also "old stuff". I look at the past 10 years and I'm angry that she wasn't there for me. I'm angry that in many ways she was part of the pain in my life, instead of part of the healing.
Money and business has been tough. I couldn't function during the DBing period and we pretty much used up all our savings to get through that, to cover for the lack of income from her and from me. My various businesses are doing poorly and I'm tired all the time and I feel alone.
I know the 'aloneness' is of my own creation. I isolate a lot. Sometimes I talk on the boards but lately even that has not been fulfilling.
This really isn't the place to discuss these things, but since I promised my Counselor a long time ago that I would share my experiences so others could benefit from them, I figured I'd post this part of my story so that others can see that you can't put aside your own issues. You have to be whole. I'm not.
My W still wants our marriage to work. I think I do, but I'm not really sure any more. I just want to get out of this current life I'm in. I want the pain to go away. I was really good at fixing her, I'm not so good at fixing me.
Don't be like me, make sure you really work on your crap, otherwise you'll eventually just let people down.
