Hey all. I have noticed that the people that post in the MLC forum have a very different perspective on things. My H has been unhappy for years. In mid 2001 he decided he would stay for the kids. In 2005, I found out his plans, my thyroid condition got corrected and I have lost 70 pounds and changed back to me. H says we only got married for convenience (help raise eachothers children) but he regrets none of it and still loves me a great deal. Is in a hurry to file. But adds on that "nothing is forever" and "who knows, in a couple years we could cross paths, go out to coffee and end up together again.""Divorce isn't necessarily the end like people think."
Link to most recent thread " HERE" Probably about page 3 or 4 is the biggest developments starting Wednesday when he stated that he wanted to hurry up and get this over with.
Is this an MLC or is he just done with ME? What is my best plan of action? The MLC posts seem to suggest being "friends" with your spouse (unlike in other areas where people suggest going completely dark, LRT.)
I would sure appreciate any advice you can give.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Trixi - they don't necessarily have an affair - and sometimes it isn't the major theme. It seems to be a part of MLC at some point for most spouses. And that is about as defnite as it gets!
They are in escape from marriage/ escape from current life mode - which makes it hard to distinguish from WAS.
I think the touchstone is uncharacteristic behaviour, rather than an affair. They change into someone unrecognizable as our spouse - Alien eyes, Pod people, is how they are often described. They espouse opinions they never formerly held . . . and so one. Read the resource threads if you haven't already.
I was pretty sure it was MLC, but wasn't finally sure until last February, 15 months post bomb, when we went to therapy because h thought I was crazy, and the therapist told me it was MLC, in his view, and then my h was very lost. H moved out [5th time] the next day and I have seen him once since.
Trixie: Read the newcomers posts about MLC....the one entitled MLC for Dummies is good as is the Stages of MLC. I knew my H was unhappy for the past couple of years, but it always seemed like it was about his job or our house....never thought it was about us until the bomb got dropped 8/07. Read everything you can get your hands on...it does help! Come here and read the posts...it's very enlightening and helpful to connect to others who are going through the same thing! I'm sorry you are here and you are hurting!
Hugs. BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
There is NO DOUBT in my mind that in order to be in an MLC, there is an affair. I feel the affair is the centerpiece of the MLC process. MLC is all about being happy with someone else, remember, the LBS is to blame for the misery of the MLCer. When affairs end is when the MLCer wants to try to come back. Reason being, the illusion is gone of the OP making them happy. Basically, its at that time that the MLCer has to face the music. I feel that if a spouse leaves not in an affair, you are dealing with a WAS, not an MLCer. Just my opinion.
Often, if there isn't an actual affair, there's someone they have a crush on, or an internet "friend", or the like. Often, there actually IS an affair, too. I thought MY H wasn't having an affair when I first came here - I was sure of it! Shows how little I knew!!!
Hi Trixi- I have not been around as long as braveheart but in the research I have done, an OW or OM is not a requirement for MLC but it is probably the most common bandaid that MLCers use to avoid dealing with their issues. I believe my H is having an MLC (or some kind of crisis). There is no OW that I know of and I currently believe my H's bandaid of choice is work.
Since my H left 9 months ago, he has done many of the things right out if the MLC handbook...but he has also done a few things that are out of the norm.
One of the possible reasons I think (dislaimer: I do not know for certain) my H hasn't taken up with OW is because his first W cheated on him and he was devastated. This is what my H has told his reasoning is not to "date"...he does not want to have to learn someone new's life history ...he also recently said he doesn't know anyone to date...to me, these are MLC type excuses for not having to make a decision...avoiding.
MLC is about avoiding dealing with the pain of personal issues. MLCers find whatever way they can in order to make themselves feel better. An OW or OM is not a requirement, but more often then not an unfortunate part of the process.
T Hi Sorry you find yourself here My H dropped bomb 2/07 has been running ever since I still dont know if there is OW or how serious Im sure hes dated have proof of a few casual things but since i havnt really snooped, I dont know the other signs of MLC is the running Going out constantly catching up on FUN Wanting to play, lots of trips New friends(less/no contact with old friends) spending money not wanting responsibility Looking depressed withdrawn at times Not the same less real contact with kids(lots of presents for kids) watching Video and tv together Hot and cold toward LBS most posters say H still in their lives to some degree They cant let go 100% This is just my experience with my H good luck peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
...he also recently said he doesn't know anyone to date...to me, these are MLC type excuses for not having to make a decision...avoiding.