Okay, the weekend is over and there have been some changes (on my part) and a lot of reflecting (again, on my part).
First, to answer a few earlier questions. Yes, this could be Madonna/Whore or it could be hormonal or it could be the porn thing or it could be a LOT of things. One trap I keep falling into with this SSM thing is to try to put a label on WHY things are they way they are; but the fact is no matter what the problem is it can't be fixed, worked on, dealt with, repaired, diagnosed, treated, and/or "insert solution here" until H himself chooses to deal with it. I can put any label I want on it, but if HE continues to be in denial that there even is a problem, and instead blames it on ME being "obsessed with sex", then there isn't anything I can do.
Also, regarding the porn thing, I'm not sure why I chose the words I did. As far as I know he is no longer using porn. That being said, I am also no longer constantly looking, wondering, and suspecting as I used to. I had to let that go, because it was eating me up. If he's doing it (and I don't think he is) then he's very good at being sneaky about it, since our computer is right in the middle of our kitchen (instead of in his den as it was in the old house) and we have parental control software that only I know the password to (this is for our kids' protection too).
So here is my update from the weekend. Starting Friday night, I tried very hard to let go of resentment (thank you, Dom R, for pointing out something new I hadn't thought of about that resentment) and be the loving, affectionate wife I once was. H and I ended up having some quality alone time on Saturday, going to the mall, dinner, etc., and I think he was a little taken aback that Miss B*tchy had turned back into the loving wife again. During lunch I did tell him that I had made a decision to try to be nicer, and that I was sorry for being so mean all the time, and that I was going to try very hard to let go of resentment. He seemed appreciative; and I felt bad, because I could see he didn't really believe me. Probably for good reason.
Same thing yesterday, a busy day with the kids but I took time out for hugs, a little snuggling on the couch, made a nice dinner, etc. Honestly, by the time we got to bed last night I was emotionally exhausted - it really took it all out of me being that nice. I don't mean that in a superficial way. I was laying in bed trying to figure out why it was suddenly so hard for ME, who used to be the nice wife, to be so nice to H. And I realized that being nice, loving, and affectionate was like opening up that old rusty door on my heart. I had this epiphany: it had actually become EASIER to be mean because then *I* was in control over my heart instead of putting that fragile little thing back into H's hands. Hmmm, weird insight, but it felt very profound to me. So, as we lay there in bed, even though I could hear him drifting off to sleep, I shared it with him. I said that it felt bad to say this, but that I was having trouble being nice to him and that I was going out of my comfort zone to do so, and that I needed him to NOTICE that, and more important, that I needed HIM to come out of his comfort zone too or I could very well get scared and retreat back into my resentment.
He chewed on this for a bit, then said he really appreciated my niceness over the weekend, and looked forward to it continuing. Then he pulled me closer and actually started to get a little frisky. Wow, big moment for me - and H. Again, it was hard for me to not think of him as making another try for pity sex and just take it for what it was - him acknowledging what I had said, and coming out of his comfort zone. We didn't ML, just kinda had some intimate snuggling, but it was nice, and it felt different.
Fast forward to today, and I am still really scared but anxious to see what happens next. I am still having trouble with the "hope" part of things. Maybe it's easier to take things day by day. I feel like we are teetering on this precipice and though things are nice right now, they could go back to being impossible with just the wrong word breathed by either of us.
Just thought I'd give an update. More to report later, I hope.
