WAW does not want to try

[I_Wanna_Make_It_Work]

More later ... but for now - I'm not surprised.

She's got to see STABILITY and CONSISTENCY in you. It's too soon.

All the rules are still the same. Read the DR book and learn some of Michelle's techniques. Read 5LL and use it. Seek out God in your personal prayers.

It would be great if our W would participate, but they are not capable. Accept what she can offer you graciously and expect nothing more.

You have to do this alone. Sad, but you do.

Don't be discouraged.

[Tostada]

My W came out of the blue one day with the 'I want to work on it 100%' mantra too. We are still in the same house. It was a great 3 days, then she went on a business trip. Came back and said all that 'happiness' she had for those three days was forced and she was doing it out of guilt. Said she couldnt work on it anymore.

So...not sure that helps you, but wanted to let you know I am going through the same scenario. Currently things are cold and she's working with her lawyer on a legal separation with her moving out in Jan.

I'm interested as you are on how to act towards this. Do you pull back and be distant, or do you continue to try to be a close friend?

[Torchbearer]

Continue giving her space. Do not rush things. She is under the same roof that is a start. Validate her feelings and don't question them. It sounds like she is on the brink of wanting to commit but is still concerned. Keep working on your changes and GAL. They are more important than ever. You want to show her the kind of guy she wants to be with and can be comfortable with. Be upbeat, but don't rub it in her face if she's not feeling up to it. Continue with your life and just let her figure things out. Let her come to you with R talk when she's ready. Limbo sucks, but it can be the bridge to a better place. Hang in there.

[DaveJ]

1. Her main reason for moving back in was to spend some time here and see if her "feelings" change and then she might would know whether or not it could work. She has cried every day that she has been here and did not discuss that with me. She is still keeping her emotional wall up. Also, about the only effort that she has and is willing to put forth is to just be here. She is not willing to talk about our needs and how we can work on fulfilling them. She says that she does not know what her needs are and thus cannot tell me. She says that it just does not feel natural to her and that it feels forced. She says that she feels smothered and does not know what it is that she is supposed to do and she does not know what she wants me to do. She still does not want to to couples MC for now. She is still unsure if she can do this or not. She feels like crap and it is hard to live with.

I can tell you right now the outcome of this would be. It's a self fullfilling prophecy. In the end she'll just say, see, I feel nothing, we are over. I went through the same thing with my W before I was "forced" to move out. I heard the same things such as, "I'm not feeling it", "It feels forced", "I'm just not getting any of the feelings back", "I'm just pretending", "I feel smothered".

Love is a choice. Feelings don't come back if she just sit there and hoping it falls in her lap. You both have to make a concious effort in order for them to come back and she's no where near there yet. If you read the DB book, it says it would take 1 month or more per year you are married. A few days or month will do absolutely nothing. Especially when she's doing temperature check every single day.

What you should do is 1. stop pressuring her, 2. stop talking about R. 3. Give her space and time. 4. GAL, do something fun for you and take care yourself. 5. See if she's interested in doing fun stuff if at all. As anything fun between the you two will contribute to healing. But don't pressure her if she doesn't want to.

The more you are on her the more smothered and pressured she will feel and the faster she'll run the other way. You are driving her away. You are contributing to making her miserable and making it easier for her to point fingers at you. Don't worry about what she can/will do. You have no control over that. You can only control yourself.

[wawpioneer]

I understand I think,

It is just so hard to continue to work hard on this when I expected her to put forth some sort of effort. Expectations can be a killer. I will try to keep working on my GAL techniques. She says that right now she just sees my life consumed with church and our R and nothing else. Not sure what that means. I feel like we need to spend time together but she is not letting me know how much is too much. I agree that she is still on the fence here. It is discouraging. I am just going to have to accept that we are working at her pace and at her rules. Unfortunately, her rules and goals are completely hidden from me and they are so intangible. How can she feel different if she is not willing to put any effort in to create a change in her attitude and her pespective on how to put effort into our M.

I am venting here a little bit. I guess my plan is to not bring up anymore R talks and to just "act as if" I am happy with her coming home and being here. Eventually though I am going to want more.

[Heimlich]

Stuff your expectations and you're going to have to be more patient than you ever have been.

Yes, you want more. If you push for it now, you'll get nothing. Your R will proceed at her pace. If 'working on the R' for her is just being there, then that's all you can do for now.

You shouldn't have to act 'as if' you're happy she's back. You are happy, right?

Dave gave you some great advice. I'll second it.

BD

[DaveJ]

You are right. No expectations if you want to stay sane. That includes no expectations on her part. You really have to give her space and time. At this point she is pretty much shut off from you and anything she doesn't like from you will pile onto the list of things she collects as evidence that she doesn't want to be with you. Don't give her the opportunity to do that. Make sure you go out and have your own time so she doesn't feel "smothered". Also, remember she's in some weird alien mode right now. Don't try to make any sense what she does or says. They will drive you nutty. Just work on yourself and where you want to go. Put any thoughts of working on the R on the back burner for a bit. If she isn't willing, you can't make her.

[wawpioneer]

Thanks DaveJ,

I am just going to have to zero out my expectations at this point. If I do not then I am going to be disappointed every day. I am not sure what she hopes to accomplish by moving back in but I am going to have to give her some space and time. I am going to have to be patient and see what happens. I am having a pretty bad day but you are right Heim I am happy that she is here and should be thanking the good lord for the second chance. I am just lost here and don't really know what to do. Should I be inviting her to do some things together? I don't know. Thank you all for the advice.

[DaveJ]

wawpioneer, you can certainly try to invite her. No harm in that. If she says no then do not press her. Maybe do something that you would do by yourself anyways. So even if she says no you can go by yourself. Hopefully eventually she'll start having some curiosity as to what you are doing....

[SirPrizeMe]

Hang in there wawpioneer,

How can she feel different if she is not willing to put any effort in to create a change in her attitude and her pespective on how to put effort into our M.

Who knows? She may be putting forth effort that you cannot see. Certainly moving back is a big step for her. Is that enough for now? Look for baby steps and be happy when you see progress, even the smallest sign.

Stay positive. Keep busy. Do stuff that makes you happy. Sing in the shower!