FLTC, I don't think we will ever be able to answer that completely. Not sure the WAW/WAH's even know what they want.
Can I be Pollyanna for a minute? What can we do for ourselves NOW????? I just found a book that mentions "divorce as a catalyst for an extraordinary life". One interesting exercise suggested to make a list of 20 favorable things that have come out of your separation. They can be superficial or significant. Example given: I can be myself without trying to please someone else. I don't have to share a bathroom. I have more time for reading and self reflection.
To me writing down things that are good about the separation doesn't mean we want to be separated/divorced. It's just trying to get to a better place mentally. We can say we are detached, but it's obvious we are still affected by our spouses.
My W. actually told me she would get the presents from both of us this year, and put both our names on them, or simply "Santa". That's OK with me.
That makes it easier. Sounds like a thoughtful gesture. However, the kids will know she bought them and put your name on them. I am sure that is ok with them considering you are so far away. A surprise from Iraq would still be cool I think! Is there anything you could buy that would be unique? I have no idea about the shopping situation there. Anything arabic? Anything with arabic writing on the label? I was thinking of something like the men's head covering (at least the ones from Saudi Arabia make a great little tablecloth). A tiny arabic coffee pot or little vase? A set of camels? Just a small token gift....even just a stocking stuffer....just a special touch just from you.
I am not saying this to be critical.....just a different perspective.
FLTC The only thing my X kept that I sent back was a brass serving set I gave for our 12th Wedding anniversery. I think Matilda has a good suggestion here.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
FLTC, Matilda A serving set for teenage Ds is good. One thing I sent kids was the local currency and a bill of the old currency. Some of the Tshirts were quite good but the exchange generally has good stuff.
It was hard for me to get things. The vendor had to sneak it in along with himself. Kinda of an underground exchange though not counterban just the bad guys took dim view of anyone trading with the infidels.
Often I found authentic Iraqi items made in China.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Just a second of down time. Don't know how I feel today. Just nothing to report. I'm 7000 miles from home, and there is absolutely no contact at all with W. I call kids, write them and sent stuff all the time. I'm really at the point where I have given up any hope. I'm just numb by this whole thing. Still...two year's worth of it. I'm tired, feel like a beaten dog, and don't have a lot of energy for DBing, 180ing or any more "ing". I really found some solace in the Men'Health Mgazine this month in the article "Instant Divorce". I felt they interviewed me. We are all humman, and in retrospect, I messed up on some things, but looking at it, I never beleived it warranted a divorce, but this is how it hits 4 out of 5 guys. The article spoke about how much men are effected by divorce. 9 times more likely to commit suicide than their WAWs...on and on...A lot of people don't give guys the credit for how much we can hurt.
Glad you're not one of those, then, eh FLTC? You know that some of the most pointless battles turn the tide and some of the most spectacular are for nothing. You've been at this long enough to know that there aren't any easy solutions. You've worked on you and that's all you can do. Now, focus on the kids. Get yourself ready for re-insertion into civilian life. I seriously think you need to have it out with the wife concerning finances as you have used up the breakpoint time for when you can begin saving for a place. If your wife is still adamant about not letting you live in the house the only other option is a separation agreement or divorce. You NEED to make sure you and the kids have a place to stay. You NEED to make sure you have support when you go home, a church or social group. You don't have to do anything but you certainly do NEED to do something to make your life comfortable when you go home. Remember, you didn'te choose this SHE did.
I still remember one of the earliest posts I read on here and it went like this:
" I can forgive you for cheating on me. I can forgive you for hurting me. I cannot forgive you for making me protect myself and hurt you in the process."
Keep up the good spirits! There's a light out there and new suns being born every day in our little universe.
How's the sand? Find any good scorpion's yet? I've heard they look nice incased in plastic and that's the kind of thing you can order online and do in the field.
I saw that article too and it hit home in many respects. What it shows is exactly how we feel, as fathers and husbands we know we are supposed to lead or families, be responsible for our families, etc. With all the responsibility comes a lot of stress and all too often walk away wives don't understand the stress we are under in just trying to provide for our families basic needs, housing and food.
What divorce does is takes away a core self definition for men. Sadly its the responsibility and our desire to have it that we use to define part or in some cases all of ourselves. Wrongly in some regards because ultimately we are failing to provide and be responsible for our own well being.
So guys remember we first have to take care of ourselves if we want to take care of those that we love.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
