You have endured a lot of pain and frustration over the past few months, yet you continue to strive to be the best DAD you can be for your D's. I admire you for your restraint with your W and your dedication to your kids.
I hope you will continue to post here. You may be in a different place. But a lot of people are in all kinds of different places on this board also. Let us continue to be a source of strength for you. I know you would be missed if you left.
I am sorry you opened up some and she stomped on you. The one thing you will never be able to say nor will she is that you didn't try. She is a fool. I honestly think the thing that will floor her is when she knows you are dating. Or see's you with someone.
I am sorry for the place you and your W are at right now. It hurts, and yes, because we have kids, the spouse will always be a part of our life. And another yes to the fact that the actions she is choosing isn't beneficial to your daughters' wellbeing. I can only hope things will get better. HUGS!
So... I was a little rash in quitting cold turkey.. I'm having withdrawls!!
Honestly, I felt like I was spending a little too much time on here and not enough time on other things. I'll be toning it down a bit, but I'll stay here. Thanks to all the kind words.
I will update a bit:
W called the next day and apologized for her attitude the night before. She said she's on her "friend" and so she's extra emotional.
We had a long discussion over the subject.. again, I think she's starting to understand where I was coming from. I also think the idea of me seeing someone else has thrown her for a loop. She asked "Are you happy with this other person?" Now.. this is hard, because I don't want to lie.. I'm not really seeing anybody.. so I replied "I'm OK.. I'm not really looking for a serious relationship now.." Then she asked if we had kissed.. I told her I didn't want to share that info.. that got her a little upset, but we moved past it.
We did finally hit a subject I think we agreed on.. that we were playing the blame game. Now.. I have accepted and tried to understand all the issues I brought to the table. I made it clear that everytime we had a talk she was very quick to blame me without accepting any blame herself. We talked a little more. I basically told her I was happy being by myself. I was ready to move on alone.
Since then, W has been very chatty and playful. She calls me instead of OM first. She has asked me to watch the D's on Thursday which has recently been done by OM and her mom. Today she asked me to go with her and the D's to a pool party. It's for assistance with both D's, but she could've gotten OM to go I guess.
She did ask for a favor yesterday which I politely refused.
I think I'm treading in dangerous waters. She's testing a few things.. One to see how I've changed.. another to see if I'll bend over backwards for her again.. another to see how "real" this other person is.
The odd thing is, I'm at peace with all of this. I'm now much more confident that life will go on without her. I can be just as happy without her as I was with her. I guess I shouldn't say that.. I can be just as happy without her as I was with her before.
I understand what you mean about cutting down the time on this site. With the best intentions, it is easy to sit on here for hours, without going out into that big bad world.
You are at a place where I was a short while ago, I was ready to move on (or so I told myself), but then the W started to change (in reaction to my changes?). I can see that from your posts that you want to get off the rollercoaster, but....you are there for your D's.
It is the hard season to feel like this, but please realise that you have also been a beacon of strength for lots of people here (me included); we would miss you.
I am like you and H4C, one night stands are not for me; I will always want the stability of a long-term relationship. If it doesn't work out with your W, lick your wounds, love your D's and in time you will meet the girl to blow you away; and 40 is no age ;).
So things have gotten even more interesting. W texted to see if she could call.. I was eating lunch (after a run.. 60 here today!!) and she called. We chatted.. mostly small talk and then she said she was tired.. had a lot on her mind. I told her not to be afraid to talk to me (as she had requested from me on Sunday). She wanted to, but part of it was about him. She knew I would be uncomfortable and she was a little uncomfortable. I told her that I could listen.
So.. she started talking about how she's not being treated the way she wants to be treated. She wants to be treated like a queen. This is the second time she has complained about this with him. I validated her feelings and we chatted about what happened with us. I wasn't trying to give her any pointers.. I'm not here to fix THEIR R.
I basically tried to indicate that I understood what she was talking about and understood what it takes to give her what she wants.
2 things here.. 1.. the chink in his armor is starting to bother her. 2.. She has unrealistic expectations.. always has.
She has supposedly talked to him about this one other time and he didn't listen. Sounds like it's happening again.
Other changes.. she's very apologetic when we have to hang up.. she says "I don't want to end our conversation..." She also has intentions of running all week.. she's worried (as am I) about her being "flabby". I'm betting this has to do with the pool party next week. I'm fine except the lack of treadmill has the "tire" showing more than I like. I too have plans of running this week and next however possible!!
I'm not reading into anything.. it's nice to have "invested" conversations with her. I feel she is now investing in them some.
BTW.. While I admit I want to be slimmer at the pool, I was going down that path anyway (for me) and slid off it a little.
.. she's very apologetic when we have to hang up.. she says "I don't want to end our conversation..."
IMO, this is the most glaringly obvious thing in this post. Don't discount the importance of this. She is exposing her weakness - an emotional connection to you.
It is important that you continue to end all conversations, preferably before she is ready to do so. Leave her wanting more.
Actually.. this is happening when she needs to end the convo. I've tried in the past with mixed results ending the conversation first. Over the last 2-3 days though.. if she's talking to me and for whatever reason needs to go, she apologizes several times and says the words above.
I simply say "It's fine.. I'll talk to you later"
It's been working so far, so I've stuck with it.
In the early days, she was attracted to me being a little harsh. Now it seems she is attracted to my kindness (although I will not allow her to use me again). The fact that she wants me to confide in her and she wants to confide in me is a big step I believe.
We had that a "little" in the early goings, but she whacked me with a bat afterwards. Now if she wants to swing.. it won't hurt as bad. It will actually be a little anticipated.
