This morning, my husband came home to discuss the mortgage refinancing we're doing. I asked him what his plans were (it was the right time) and he said he had found a place for December 15, but that he would not move until after Christmas. I think I handled it okay - way better than I would have before DR and this site - but I think I missed some opportunities. I told him we'd talk again in a couple of days (48 hour rule)
I would really appreciate some feedback about what I could address the next time we talk and ways to approach it. Here's what was said:
We decided we would tell the kids this weekend. How to approach this conversation will be part of the next discussion between my H and me.
Kind of in between this stuff, we also talked a bit about how we would get the Christmas present for the kids home and that we shouldn't spend too much money.
Silence
Me: This has been difficult for you (or something like that).
Him: No less for you. I really appreciate how you've been in the last couple of weeks (again, I can't really remember exactly how long he thought it had been - I've been DBing longer than that)
Silence
Me: I'm willing to listen if you have anything to say
Him: Every day has been turmoil.
Silence
Him: I notice the changes (he called them fundamental, but also said that there have been changes before in response to these crises in our M.
Me: It's hard to trust that these changes are different.
Him: You don't have to go there (again with the TLTL here, I think - probably a lot of this is out of order)
Me: These changes are permanent (probably talked too much about this, can't remember exactly what I said) I've done some things that I should have done a long time ago (here he said 'I have too' - I should have stopped and asked what he meant, but instead I charged ahead with my sentence - must work on this) and we shouldn't beat ourselves up because of things in the past.
He agreed that the changes didn't seem temporary, but said a couple of times that it was 'too little, too late' - that he didn't want to trivialize the changes, but again, TLTL
Him: I'm not moving out because of pride, because I said I was going to and I'm going to move out even though I can see you are changing. I'm feel like this is a path I need to follow.
Me: (really leaking now, both then and while typing this) I wish you didn't feel that way but you have to do what you have to do.
Him: It would be easier if you yelled at me.
Then I said that I would think about our conversation with the kids and that H and I would talk again in a couple of days.
I already had boots on, so I gave him the cheques he needed for his new place. I hugged him and kissed him - he said thank you and seemed quite happy to hug and kiss some more - not major kissing, just brief lip contact. He then told me how great I've been looking and how he had noticed the new muscles in my back recently in an intimate situation. I smiled, he smiled, there was some light hearted chat and a little laughter (I have absolutely no memory of what we said) and I went out the door with the dogs to a nearby park. My H stayed home for a while to gather some things he needed for the rest of his day and drove by the park a while later. I'm pretty sure he slowed down to look and there I was chatting with a neighbour while our dogs played. The neighbour is an elderly man, but perhaps my H could only see that it was a man.
I am completely freaked out and quite optimistic, both at the same time. He clearly sees and is responding to the changes, even though he doesn't really trust them yet.
I would like to let him know that I understand in a different way now how my behaviour impacted him and give him a chance to talk about some of the ways in which I've hurt him. Any suggestions for a way to invite this from him next time we talk?
I intend to continue doing what I've been doing, including making myself (enthusiastically) available for sex if he shows an interest. Is there anything else I could be doing?
A main obstacle is how I have shut him down in the past whenever he has tried to talk to me about his feelings. I have been an incredibly bad listener in the past, often responding in a hurtful way, and it's going to take a while for my H to trust that my response will be different now. I feel good about this conversation and think there are seeds of hope for a future reconiliation, but I would give a lot to spare my kids the pain of a separation, even if it turns out not to be permanent. On the other hand, many have said that it is something that you just need to let them do, and that it actually helps some people move through the process faster.
My most grateful thanks to anyone who has read all of this. Your thoughts would be most welcome. _________________________ Ingrid
M16, T19 D14, S11 numerous crises due to his E/O/PAs since 2001(?) one short separation two years ago ILYBINILWY, planning to move out: Sept 07 still in house (for now)
