Recreating trust for my H after EA?

[ann25]

Hi RedHeadWife. ok wow. I'm not sure if you read just what i've posted here or if you read what i had on the newcomers page as well.

1 - i wouldn't be here if i didn't want my M to work. if i somehow was not clear on that. I'm sorry. I do want my M. I do want to spend the rest of my life with my H

2 - 180s for me - a)being more direct about how i'm feeling rather than trying to avoid the subject, I approach it directly. b) doing more that he needs from me (sex and other sexual things) rather than witholding that from him because I don't want to. I'm doing it for him because I know it will make him happy. c) addressing issues as they arise (kinda like the first one) rather than bottling up and then later being upset by what has happened. d) (in progress) learing and understanding how my husband feels so I can be sure that I'm giving him what he needs.

3 - in regards to what my husband is or is not doing: i don't expect much from him. It's just hard when he says all he wants to do is make me happy and make our R work and then doesn't actually do anything. I'm getting a whole lotta talk and not a whole lotta action. I know that it is probably hard for him to give me much of what i need until he trusts me again.

4 - not giving him any reason to trust me? I don't think you have read my post. Or maybe I'm misunderstanding, who knows. I don't use the computer, he has complete access to my cell phone and email account and accesses both frequently. I don't leave the room to make phone calls anymore. I call him 4 times a day when I am at work (he's asked for this) so he can know what I'm doing. I go to work and come straight home. I don't go out with girlfriends often and I spend my time home with my family. not sure what reason's i'm giving him not to trust me.

I don't mean to sound defensive, but it's probably going to come across that way.

Hi Michael Mc C - Yes, I want him to trust me again. Not really sure what changed in my husband. He asked me for a Divorce in april and in June i had an EA. I know he had trust issues before that (during the year before) as he was accusing me of having an affair or wanting someone else or talking to someone else...etc (you name it, i got accused of it) The year prior to where he asked for a D was a really hard year. If it was something that I did unintentionally, i'm not sure of what it is. Pretty much everytime I've tried to find out, I'm bringing up the past and I'm trying to defend my EA. I'm not, but he can't see that. He's hurting. I know that. I don't know how to find out what happened that caused his change in behavior. I don't think it was anything I did, but I don't really know. I don't know why else he would have reacted towards me the way he did.

my best guess would be the stress of so many changes in our life (marriage, miscarriage, buying a home, baby #1, baby #2) and him having to grow up all of the sudden. As I started asking him for more help with our children and the home, he was getting more angry, upset and distant. I don't know if that was the cause, or if they were just happening at the same time, but things got bad fast. After about a year /year and a half of that. I stopped dancing around it and told him how i was feeling. i had always tried, but he never got it before.

Things started going bad a couple years ago. They had never been perfect, but they were better and we were happy. We've been together for 10 years (almost) I know that's not a long time for some people here, but for me, thats over a 1/3 of my life. Not something I'm eager to just toss aside because it's a lot of work or this might be hard. M is a lot of work. I know that... it's why i'm here.