LRT UNDER SAME ROOF II

[craig54]

woog, how is your wife interacting with your children?

[Wooglint]

Generally quite well. She has always been devoted to the kids. However, lately it seems to ebb and flow depending on her mood. It's clear she wants to be more "independent" from them with this job and class she wants to take. However, she is still a good mother.

[craig54]

woog, that is good to hear. w's devotion to kids has definitely slipped over the last 6months, she has been so focused on losing weight and reaching her goal, they are not her priority anymore. she is focused on self. i was looking at some magazines she had purchased lately, all about looks for women over 40. problem is, she sure does not seem any happier since she has lost the weight. so its my job to make sure the kids get the attention they deserve. especially the 17 yr old son. w and son don't interact much , i know he is angry about situation.

[Wooglint]

I guess that so far I am lucky in that respect. She made some strange comments about moving out and leaving the kids when she first dropped the bomb, but I think she has reconsidered.

[craig54]

well, wife got home after working out at gym. we played a very fun game called, apples to apples, great family game. lots of laughter and fun.wife seemed in a better mood last night. like i said , lots of laughs all around.

[craig54]

wife finished divorce papers last night. she should be filing today or tommorrow. i should receive early next week. first r talk in 2 months. she said she feels the same .i asked her if she was happy. she said yes. dont believe 100% of what she says. if she is happy i don't want to be like her. bummed me out last night. did not sleep well. prayed alot. will not give up. she is not ready to face herself. told her after papers are signed money situation will be different. she said are you threatning her. isaid no, that is just the way it will be. this is her choice. she still intends to move out after christmas.

[COG]

Craig,

Just briefly scanned your posts and I notice a couple of things to work on.

i wrote a letter explaining why i was so angry friday afternoon.

You should have written a letter apologizing for being angry. See, your focus is completely on your W. How SHE feels, how SHE acts, etc. Yes you're making progress, but are you? Anger and criticism cut like a knife and leave nasty scars. You can't be nice as pie for weeks on end, then belt a person in the face with a shovel, and expect them to have any desire to know WHY you were angry. That's very disfunctional, and THAT is what you W is leaving. YOUR anger, YOUR critical heart, YOUR judgement, YOUR controlling behaivior are what your W is leaving. She'll not live with it anymore.

She is so miserable because she is forced to leave the security, the passion, and the dream of her family because she simply can not live in the reality that YOU are. She will NEVER get "back together" with you. She may move forward into something new, but will NEVER, get this NEVER go back.

You need to deal with your anger. That little fire that starts inside when something happens that you don't expect, or you didn't plan. Rest assured that you are part of a greater plan. Learn to accept life as it comes, and know beyond any doubt, that God has a plan, He is in charge. You do YOUR part, God will do HIS part, and your W will do HER part.

Each time you allow the anger to build and then explode you will reinforce in her that she has made the right decision. You and I are very alike in that department. I would carry the frustration, like you did regarding your W leaving after TG, and then when tensions got high, the venom would spew. Each time you show your frustration because she, "let you down", (like when she didn't come home until 12:15 am and didn't call)you tighten the strangle hold on her.

HER dream was destroyed too ya know. She had this dream of being M to a wonderful man who had her best interests, her feelings, her desires as his highest priority. A man who loved her beyond belief, and would never make her feel like she was a failure at anything or anytime.

This is a good time to memorize 1 Corinthians: 13. The true definition of love, and it has not much to do with feelings. We are called to love unconditionally, to accept, to forgive, and to not judge. When YOU can accomplish that task, then you have really accomplished something. But you have a long ways to go. So in the meantime, please turn you focus inward, and allow you W to feel how she feels, act how she acts, and be where she wants to be, and love1C13 her anyway.

God Bless,

COG

[craig54]

cog, you are dead right. the holy spirit just whacked the upside of my head. your right the focus has been on her. too much. not enough on me. the anger is dead on. i appreciate your candor. i needed it. there is alot more involve in my situation. but your message is loud and clear. my hurt is flowing out of me in anger and producing negative results. it is not my job to judge her. i am humbled . i have my work cut out for me.

[craig54]

cog, you are dead right. the holy spirit just whacked the upside of my head. your right the focus has been on her. too much. not enough on me. the anger is dead on. i appreciate your candor. i needed it. there is alot more involve in my situation. but your message is loud and clear. my hurt is flowing out of me in anger and producing negative results. it is not my job to judge her. i am humbled . i have my work cut out for me.

[COG]

my hurt is flowing out of me in anger and producing negative results.

That's an evil trick and it works on so many of us. The time to discuss the pain, is when you are calm and at peace, and only if it's legitimate. If the pain is the result of her not allowing you to control her, manipulate her, etc. then you've got the problem. However, there is a time, place, and proper delivery to set your boundaries.

I highly recommend Retrouvaille. It's put on by the Catholic Church but it's open to anyone. It might help save your M, by helping YOU become a more understanding, more communicative, and more loving person. http://www.retrouvaille.org

God Bless,

COG