Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[ann25]

Thank so much. I appreciate your thoughts. I have been trying to do most of that stuff. Hopefully with time, it will start helping more!

Is the situation reversed for you? Is it possible that sometimes you view his being hurt, as an attack on you? Yes, I know he contributed. Both of you did things that were not healthy for the marriage. While forgiving yourself for your part, could you also forgive him for his side, and forgive him for being hurt?

I've never really thought about it like that. I'll have to. I don't know that i feel like his being hurt is an attack on me. More the way he expresses himself because of that hurt that is an attack on me. I hurt him. I know why i did what i did and I know that the intention was not to hurt him, but regardless of all that, i hurt him. That lies on me. I expect him to be hurting. I even expect some of that to be taken out on me. I know it will take him time to trust me again. I'm just trying to do everything I can to move that process along.

Just one thing:

What you truely "should" have done, was fight to have a better marriage.

hehe... that was the venting talking. i know that i shouldn't have left, but sometimes when i get upset like that (never around him, normally when i journal and stuff) i think that. I know that leaving would have been the biggest mistake.

This sounds a bit scary to me. How does it feel to have those thoughts, the thoughts of leaving him? Our thoughts drive our feelings, and thoughts can encourage or lead to action. From what you wrote, you never share this thought ("I should have left" or "I don't know why I try...") with your H, but you have it regularly. This seems like it could contribute to an escalation of negative feelings about your husband.

When i get upset and write everything down, it's a way of getting it out of my system. When i was young and in therapy, my counselor told me that if i wrote it down, exactly what i was thinking and feeling, then read it back and threw it away, i could get it out of my system and move on past those bad feelings. I guess i've just always done that. There is no sense in sugar coating how i feel to myself. so when i'm really hurting and it takes everything i have to maintain control of my emotions, i journal. I write it all down and get it all out.

I don't think i understand how that thought could make me think anything about my husband. I chose to stay through that time and then have the EA. My choices, how can i relate the thoughts of making different choices to anyone other than myself? I personally think that a temp seperation at that time could have done us some good. I spent that time dwelling on how much he hurt me and probably had just wanted a divorce all along, but was to chicken to tell me. and i have no idea what he was thinking. It wasn't til i stood back and looked at everything, that I understood what he was trying to do by asking for a Divorce. If i had taken that time initially, maybe I wouldn't have had the EA or i would have done things differently? who knows.

I really try not to dwell in the past. It's back there for a reason, to learn from and that's it. When i get really upset, i get back there. I'm sure lots do. Try to go back and think about what could have been done differently or how i could have changed things to make it better. I probably made it sound like it happens more often than it does, but it's not that often.

I think i might have totally missed what you were trying to point out. if i did, maybe you could clarify a little. If not, then goodie!

After i journal and get it all out. I spend time thinking and reading. I call it my quiet time. probably like meditating. I just focus on where i want to be and what i need to do to get there. I'll find some bible verses that address my feelings and read over them.

I spend a lot of time trying to focus on the good my H does. The things about him that i have always loved. If i wasn't doing that I'd probably be a WAW. I don't want to get to that point. I have goals and dreams and none of them include me getting a divorce.