Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[ann25]

Thanks for your insight Sandi.

I think this is his way of testing you. In his mind, you did all these things for the OM and now he is pushing your buttons to test you and see how far you will go for him.

I agree that he's probably testing me with this. Am i willing to do something that simple for him. That is why i do it.

I bet he almost sounds anything but sweet and sexy when he is telling you this, is he. I can almost see a snear on his face when he says it.

It depends. Sometimes he does it and i can tell he's just messing around, sometimes it's just as you described. I can see it in his face and hear it in his voice. He doesn't care if i do it, but he knows that i will and he knows i don't want to. He wants to make me unconfortable.

He is obsessed with the thought of you desiring an OM or the thought of OM having seen you or desired you, etc. That is why he won't leave you alone and why he chooses inappropriate times to test you like he does.

i think he is a bit obsessed with it. I can imagine it's hard for him. Here we were having a pretty active sex life, then it stops, then i'm talking about it with OM and now I won't do it with him. I think he's relating my lack of attraction now to OM. like "i must have liked him better physically" (not at all) but it started before that. I don't think he can see that right now.

It's not b/c he wants to make love to you.....he is using you. I think down on some deep level, this is a way he has of punishing you also.

I think in some ways he is and sometimes not. He doesn't do well at hiding his emotions or thoughts (most of the time) and there are times when he says something and I can tell he's just trying to be hurtful and mean, but there are other times when he gets really sad about it. The problem is when he gets sad, if he keeps dwelling on it, he gets to the point in his head where he starts being mean. It's almost like he thought about it and it's not fair and I hurt him, so he'll hurt me.

[ann25]

I hope she wakes up before christmas. I hate this situation with her and seeing her so confused and unhappy with no disire to spend romantic time with me. She says all the things I do she notices but the make her feel very guilty and that was not the efect i wanted to give thats for sure!!

I hope so too!!

I have moments like that. We went to see a movie yesterday (the mist) and he put his hand on my leg. I didn't notice (very focused, scary movie) and he got upset. I felt guilty because i know that he was trying to do something sweet and it didn't come across to me. he used to do that all the time, but it doesn't effect me now like it used to. I know he was just trying to be sweet, so that helps, but it's just hard.

Just be patient with her.

[Dom R]

I think that's a great way you put the conversation. I'll try that tonight. I really appreciate your help and insight.

I'm glad it sounds useful to you. hope it goes well for you.


Just wish my own wife were willing to have a "what would a good marital relationship between us look like?" conversation.
sigh...

[SirPrizeMe]

Ann, you asked me

Is there anything your W could have said or done to make you feel better about it?

My W never could get to the point where she could say "I want to work on this marriage." She often said things like "I want peace in my life," and in MC, when I described my goal to get to a mutually-supportive relationship where both of us are free to find our bliss, but yet both of us were there to support the other, she agreed with it as a goal. But she never articulated that kind of idea independently.

It would have helped me if she could have expressed a reverence or commitment for our marriage, flawed though it was.
My W also never offered her cell phone records to me. I think it would have helped if she had been more open with me. She accused me of being controlling, and that was an excuse for her to not be open to me. She would often write in her journal but was very protective, suspiciously so (it seemed to me), of what was in it. I never tried to read it, but if I asked she would adopt a very defensive posture about it. She went to individual counseling, but when I asked about it, she'd react very strongly and defensively. It all felt like she was continuing to shut me out. (later I found out she continued to talk with OM, to communicate with him, and even to see him). In response to my requests for reassurances, she told me I had to "fix myself first". Rarely did I feel compassion from her.

It was as if she viewed my being hurt, as an attack on her. If only I could have been stronger!

Any of those things, had she been able to do them, would have helped. It sounds like you are doing these things. Maybe it just takes more time.

Is the situation reversed for you? Is it possible that sometimes you view his being hurt, as an attack on you? Yes, I know he contributed. Both of you did things that were not healthy for the marriage. While forgiving yourself for your part, could you also forgive him for his side, and forgive him for being hurt?

Just one thing:

What you truely "should" have done, was fight to have a better marriage.

hehe... that was the venting talking. i know that i shouldn't have left, but sometimes when i get upset like that (never around him, normally when i journal and stuff) i think that. I know that leaving would have been the biggest mistake.

This sounds a bit scary to me. How does it feel to have those thoughts, the thoughts of leaving him? Our thoughts drive our feelings, and thoughts can encourage or lead to action. From what you wrote, you never share this thought ("I should have left" or "I don't know why I try...") with your H, but you have it regularly. This seems like it could contribute to an escalation of negative feelings about your husband.

When I am down I try to meditate. I envision my spouse as a beautiful, if flawed, human, worthy of respect, love, compassion, and patience. I focus on my desire for her to be happy, for her to be fulfilled. I focus my thoughts and recognize within myself that she has been hurt, and I recognize she needs love to heal. I cultivate a desire within myself to find the right way to love her.

[Heimlich]

Just wish my own wife were willing to have a "what would a good marital relationship between us look like?" conversation.
sigh...

Amen to that, Dom.

[ann25]

Thank so much. I appreciate your thoughts. I have been trying to do most of that stuff. Hopefully with time, it will start helping more!

Is the situation reversed for you? Is it possible that sometimes you view his being hurt, as an attack on you? Yes, I know he contributed. Both of you did things that were not healthy for the marriage. While forgiving yourself for your part, could you also forgive him for his side, and forgive him for being hurt?

I've never really thought about it like that. I'll have to. I don't know that i feel like his being hurt is an attack on me. More the way he expresses himself because of that hurt that is an attack on me. I hurt him. I know why i did what i did and I know that the intention was not to hurt him, but regardless of all that, i hurt him. That lies on me. I expect him to be hurting. I even expect some of that to be taken out on me. I know it will take him time to trust me again. I'm just trying to do everything I can to move that process along.

Just one thing:

What you truely "should" have done, was fight to have a better marriage.

hehe... that was the venting talking. i know that i shouldn't have left, but sometimes when i get upset like that (never around him, normally when i journal and stuff) i think that. I know that leaving would have been the biggest mistake.

This sounds a bit scary to me. How does it feel to have those thoughts, the thoughts of leaving him? Our thoughts drive our feelings, and thoughts can encourage or lead to action. From what you wrote, you never share this thought ("I should have left" or "I don't know why I try...") with your H, but you have it regularly. This seems like it could contribute to an escalation of negative feelings about your husband.

When i get upset and write everything down, it's a way of getting it out of my system. When i was young and in therapy, my counselor told me that if i wrote it down, exactly what i was thinking and feeling, then read it back and threw it away, i could get it out of my system and move on past those bad feelings. I guess i've just always done that. There is no sense in sugar coating how i feel to myself. so when i'm really hurting and it takes everything i have to maintain control of my emotions, i journal. I write it all down and get it all out.

I don't think i understand how that thought could make me think anything about my husband. I chose to stay through that time and then have the EA. My choices, how can i relate the thoughts of making different choices to anyone other than myself? I personally think that a temp seperation at that time could have done us some good. I spent that time dwelling on how much he hurt me and probably had just wanted a divorce all along, but was to chicken to tell me. and i have no idea what he was thinking. It wasn't til i stood back and looked at everything, that I understood what he was trying to do by asking for a Divorce. If i had taken that time initially, maybe I wouldn't have had the EA or i would have done things differently? who knows.

I really try not to dwell in the past. It's back there for a reason, to learn from and that's it. When i get really upset, i get back there. I'm sure lots do. Try to go back and think about what could have been done differently or how i could have changed things to make it better. I probably made it sound like it happens more often than it does, but it's not that often.

I think i might have totally missed what you were trying to point out. if i did, maybe you could clarify a little. If not, then goodie!

After i journal and get it all out. I spend time thinking and reading. I call it my quiet time. probably like meditating. I just focus on where i want to be and what i need to do to get there. I'll find some bible verses that address my feelings and read over them.

I spend a lot of time trying to focus on the good my H does. The things about him that i have always loved. If i wasn't doing that I'd probably be a WAW. I don't want to get to that point. I have goals and dreams and none of them include me getting a divorce.

[SirPrizeMe]

Ann, right on.

You wrote somewhere else:

I love my husband. I want my M to work. I just am not sure how to get the "in love" feelings back.

Terrific!

How about - Fake it til you make it!

On the scary thoughts thing -
I don't mean to suggest you should deny your feelings, only to be careful about them, to take care of them. yes recognize them and validate yourself - it's ok to feel what you feel. But then own them and be responsible for them and decide if that is what you want.

I can feel angry at the driver on the road for pointing out my mistake with a hand gesture, but really I could do better. I could feel sorry that I made a mistake in the first place and apologetic that I scared someone by drifting out of my lane. I don't mean to draw a direct analogy, only to say, it's my choice how I react.

I spend a lot of time trying to focus on the good my H does. The things about him that i have always loved. If i wasn't doing that I'd probably be a WAW. I don't want to get to that point. I have goals and dreams and none of them include me getting a divorce.

Good for you! Terrific! This is GREAT.

[ann25]

How about - Fake it til you make it!

yep yep... that's what I'm trying.

Sir - I get what you mean about owning my feelings and chosing how to react. thanks!
______________

so last night was interesting. My whole family has been sick. For weeks. It's like the cold just keeps getting passed around. I hadn't gotten it yet, but it would figure that i would now seeing as how my sister is getting married this weekend and I'm in the wedding. hehe. anyways. I've been trying to take really good care of everyone because i hate seeing them sick. My H hates pills and is pretty much convinced that medicine doesn't work. As i've explained to him, it only works if you actually take it like you're supposed to... anyways.

so we sat on the couch last night and watched some tv. When we went to bed he just rolled over and didn't say anything. I told him good night, that i loved him and asked for a kiss. he responded and then rolled back over. I was laying there wondering what i did wrong, but i figured if he wanted to tell me, he could. i couldn't sleep, being sick, pregnant and having nightmares, not a good nighttime combo. Anyways. i got up about 4 and apparently he couldn't sleep either cause when i came back to bed he was awake. he asked if i was ok and if i needed anything (i can't remember the last time he actually offered to do something for me) i told him no, i just needed to try and rest. I layed down and he held my hand and rubbed my back until i fell asleep. It was simple and innocent and sweet.

For that moment, it was like we had been transported back 3 years before all of this happened. That's when i realized that was exactly what i had been missing. It has been so long since i had a peaceful moment with him. Truely peaceful. This was the first day that i have woken up and looked over and just smiled. No questions, no doubts, just a smile. I know that probably sounds crazy to everyone, but it was nice.

I know things aren't fixed, but it just gave me a little reminder that the man i fell in love with is somewhere in there. he's just hiding right now. Hopefully if i keep doing good, he'll come back to me.

[Heimlich]

For that moment, it was like we had been transported back 3 years before all of this happened. That's when i realized that was exactly what i had been missing. It has been so long since i had a peaceful moment with him. Truely peaceful. This was the first day that i have woken up and looked over and just smiled. No questions, no doubts, just a smile. I know that probably sounds crazy to everyone, but it was nice.

Tell him that.

[ann25]

thanks Heim.

Yeah... I was thinking about that. I will. Maybe I'll send him an email cause when i wrote it and even read it back i started crying... stupid hormones... hehe.