Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[SirPrizeMe]

Ann, you asked me

Is there anything your W could have said or done to make you feel better about it?

My W never could get to the point where she could say "I want to work on this marriage." She often said things like "I want peace in my life," and in MC, when I described my goal to get to a mutually-supportive relationship where both of us are free to find our bliss, but yet both of us were there to support the other, she agreed with it as a goal. But she never articulated that kind of idea independently.

It would have helped me if she could have expressed a reverence or commitment for our marriage, flawed though it was.
My W also never offered her cell phone records to me. I think it would have helped if she had been more open with me. She accused me of being controlling, and that was an excuse for her to not be open to me. She would often write in her journal but was very protective, suspiciously so (it seemed to me), of what was in it. I never tried to read it, but if I asked she would adopt a very defensive posture about it. She went to individual counseling, but when I asked about it, she'd react very strongly and defensively. It all felt like she was continuing to shut me out. (later I found out she continued to talk with OM, to communicate with him, and even to see him). In response to my requests for reassurances, she told me I had to "fix myself first". Rarely did I feel compassion from her.

It was as if she viewed my being hurt, as an attack on her. If only I could have been stronger!

Any of those things, had she been able to do them, would have helped. It sounds like you are doing these things. Maybe it just takes more time.

Is the situation reversed for you? Is it possible that sometimes you view his being hurt, as an attack on you? Yes, I know he contributed. Both of you did things that were not healthy for the marriage. While forgiving yourself for your part, could you also forgive him for his side, and forgive him for being hurt?

Just one thing:

What you truely "should" have done, was fight to have a better marriage.

hehe... that was the venting talking. i know that i shouldn't have left, but sometimes when i get upset like that (never around him, normally when i journal and stuff) i think that. I know that leaving would have been the biggest mistake.

This sounds a bit scary to me. How does it feel to have those thoughts, the thoughts of leaving him? Our thoughts drive our feelings, and thoughts can encourage or lead to action. From what you wrote, you never share this thought ("I should have left" or "I don't know why I try...") with your H, but you have it regularly. This seems like it could contribute to an escalation of negative feelings about your husband.

When I am down I try to meditate. I envision my spouse as a beautiful, if flawed, human, worthy of respect, love, compassion, and patience. I focus on my desire for her to be happy, for her to be fulfilled. I focus my thoughts and recognize within myself that she has been hurt, and I recognize she needs love to heal. I cultivate a desire within myself to find the right way to love her.