Hello one and all. I was part of the DB online community earlier this spring, and I had what many (myself included) considered a miracle. After months of feeling I could not reach my husband (who said he wanted a divorce), I backed off, focused on my life and my daughter's, and planned for my new situation. I wasn't happy about it, but I knew I had to do it.
Long story short: We had divvied up the finances, we had an appraiser come to the house so we could figure out a settlement payment (so I could remain in the house), and we were getting ready to have "the talk" with our daughter. A few days later, hubby comes home, said we need to talk ... and proceeds to tell me how he feels like he's making a major mistake, he realizes that much of this is his fault, he had unreasonable and unfair expectations, and he sees how he could have and should've been a better husband. (If you like, view the history by searching for threads with my name SamCatMom in them.)
I thought long and hard and agreed to try to reconcile, although I didn't and still don't at times trust the situation. The first two or three months after we decided to stay together were great, truly the honeymoon phase. Now, things have slipped and I want to know how to get them back on track.
My husband has struggled a great deal with a challenging economy and the employment situation. He's a very smart man, very hard-working, but struggles with self-esteem and I think he underestimated how much losing a job a year ago and how difficult starting and sustaining a business would be. It has been stressful to say the least.
The biggest challenge is I feel like we are having such a hard time connecting. Some days I feel like we are roommates, and that's precisely the problem that got us here in the first place. Why is it so hard to talk to each other? Why, when we're supposed to take the best care of the people we love most, do we often do the very opposite?
We have seen a counselor, and now, after this very long road, my husband seems to be pulling away from the counselor's advice. Before, he swore by this woman's vision and thoughts on our relationship (and I was often the one in denial and angry). Now, as she's telling him it's time to make a choice and stick with it - basically grow up - he doesn't want to hear it. He's struggled a long time with being able to speak his mind and make his feelings heard, but he doesn't seem to see that that doesn't give him free license to walk on someone's feelings OR that it doesn't mean he'll always be right.
I am a very outspoken person, and I can be viewed (I suppose) as controlling, but I honestly feel it's because if I don't do it, who will? I would love to have my husband be more take-charge, but I don't see it happening. Am I holding him back in some way?
I love this man and I believed a long time ago that he would always love me. The last year has decidedly changed my belief. I never viewed divorce as an option, although I do understand now why he felt it was his only option. (Again, history is in the threads ... :O)
I guess the point of my post is: As someone who has had the gift of getting a second chance with marriage, with someone who is genuinely a good person and has a good heart, what we can we do to ensure we make it? What tools can we use to get over those rough communication hurdles?
I would love, love, love to hear from anyone who has been in this boat. Second chances are rare, and I want to make the most of it! Thanks!
Me: 39 Him: 38 Married: 12 years Together: 18 years one daughter (7)
