Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning

[phbear316]

Hi all

Well, i called out sick today, H comes home in am and tells me how is night was, I go back to bed to sleep, h comes in my bedroom about 12ish and asks do you feel better? i'm surprised you called out sick? I said yes, i just did not feel up to going in.

H is sitting on bed telling me the exact story he told me this am about work. I barely listen, dont want to really. its all just words with no meaning.

H showers and is going to work, asks if he should leave dryer plugged in, yes i say i'm going to get up now.
I do not tell h i am going to gym for a while, H leaves and i get a light hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Jeanette, I hold no hope and expectations that h's mood will stay. I feel everyday is like the game of wheel of emotions new one each spin. My heart is broken and my soul is empty right now. I hold absolutely no expectations.

I feel the little pebbles i am throwing at the big bulldozer h is driving straight at me will not stop the fact h is trying to roll right over me.
I have to let this go into gods hands, and pray that god will give me strength and give h some sense of clarity not confusion in his mind.

RCR- while i may have stated i know h's mood the minute his foot hit the top step in the kitchen, i did mean it, i could tell by the look on his face. I on the other hand would be in the kitchen with a smile on my face saying hi! how was your day, with a happy note in my voice. So i'm feeling what ever i did or did not do, right now made absolutely no difference in h's mind or emotional state.

This cycling ride of h's emotions is making me feel like i want to throw up.

I feel when H finally does tell me he is going to florida, my response is going to be, well if you need to go to clear you head I cannot stop you, do what you must. I wan t to tell him please remember that i love you, but not so sure about that last line.

Jeanette the post you sent me, i feel it is me the last paragraph, but for one thing, I do feel guilty, that part of me feels i should have said something earlier, not stuck my head in the sand and not admitting there was a problem with H and I. Communication is where we failed. I was afraid to say something to h, because i felt if i said something i would be right back in the abusive relationship i had with x. If i said something he did not like, i paid a price for it. I shut down out of fear. Why i dont know. and i did tell h that also on sat. I said i was sorry for not opening up to him when h would ask what was wrong, I said i did not know how to talk to you. But i can talk now i am stronger, you need to listen to me. and hear me.

I have to let go, and let god handle this, i pray that god will be with me thru this, hope that god will get thru to h, so h can see where he is confused and help guide him. Hope god will guide us both back together. I know it won't be easy and i know it wont happen overnight, but i do not want my marriage to end. I dont what little is left in my heart and soul does not want to let go of us.

I am so grateful for all you positive prayers, more than you all know. You all have picked me up so much i am forever grateful to all of you

much love and hugs to all of you
Bear