This morning, my husband came home to discuss the mortgage refinancing we're doing. I asked him what his plans were (it was the right time) and he said he had found a place for December 15, but that he would not move until after Christmas. I think I handled it okay - way better than I would have before DR and this site - but I think I missed some opportunities. I told him we'd talk again in a couple of days (48 hour rule)
I would really appreciate some feedback about what I could address the next time we talk and ways to approach it. Here's what was said:
We decided we would tell the kids this weekend. How to approach this conversation will be part of the next discussion between my H and me.
Kind of in between this stuff, we also talked a bit about how we would get the Christmas present for the kids home and that we shouldn't spend too much money.
Silence
Me: This has been difficult for you (or something like that).
Him: No less for you. I really appreciate how you've been in the last couple of weeks (again, I can't really remember exactly how long he thought it had been - I've been DBing longer than that)
Silence
Me: I'm willing to listen if you have anything to say
Him: Every day has been turmoil.
Silence
Him: I notice the changes (he called them fundamental, but also said that there have been changes before in response to these crises in our M.
Me: It's hard to trust that these changes are different.
Him: You don't have to go there (again with the TLTL here, I think - probably a lot of this is out of order)
Me: These changes are permanent (probably talked too much about this, can't remember exactly what I said) I've done some things that I should have done a long time ago (here he said 'I have too' - I should have stopped and asked what he meant, but instead I charged ahead with my sentence - must work on this) and we shouldn't beat ourselves up because of things in the past.
He agreed that the changes didn't seem temporary, but said a couple of times that it was 'too little, too late' - that he didn't want to trivialize the changes, but again, TLTL
Him: I'm not moving out because of pride, because I said I was going to and I'm going to move out even though I can see you are changing. I'm feel like this is a path I need to follow.
Me: (really leaking now, both then and while typing this) I wish you didn't feel that way but you have to do what you have to do.
Him: It would be easier if you yelled at me.
Then I said that I would think about our conversation with the kids and that H and I would talk again in a couple of days.
I already had boots on, so I gave him the cheques he needed for his new place. I hugged him and kissed him - he said thank you and seemed quite happy to hug and kiss some more - not major kissing, just brief lip contact. He then told me how great I've been looking and how he had noticed the new muscles in my back recently in an intimate situation. I smiled, he smiled, there was some light hearted chat and a little laughter (I have absolutely no memory of what we said) and I went out the door with the dogs to a nearby park. My H stayed home for a while to gather some things he needed for the rest of his day and drove by the park a while later. I'm pretty sure he slowed down to look and there I was chatting with a neighbour while our dogs played. The neighbour is an elderly man, but perhaps my H could only see that it was a man.
I am completely freaked out and quite optimistic, both at the same time. He clearly sees and is responding to the changes, even though he doesn't really trust them yet.
I would like to let him know that I understand in a different way now how my behaviour impacted him and give him a chance to talk about some of the ways in which I've hurt him. Any suggestions for a way to invite this from him next time we talk?
I intend to continue doing what I've been doing, including making myself (enthusiastically) available for sex if he shows an interest. Is there anything else I could be doing?
A main obstacle is how I have shut him down in the past whenever he has tried to talk to me about his feelings. I have been an incredibly bad listener in the past, often responding in a hurtful way, and it's going to take a while for my H to trust that my response will be different now. I feel good about this conversation and think there are seeds of hope for a future reconiliation, but I would give a lot to spare my kids the pain of a separation, even if it turns out not to be permanent. On the other hand, many have said that it is something that you just need to let them do, and that it actually helps some people move through the process faster.
My most grateful thanks to anyone who has read all of this. Your thoughts would be most welcome.
This morning, my husband came home to discuss the mortgage refinancing we're doing. I asked him what his plans were (it was the right time) and he said he had found a place for December 15, but that he would not move until after Christmas. I think I handled it okay - way better than I would have before DR and this site - but I think I missed some opportunities. I told him we'd talk again in a couple of days (48 hour rule)
I would really appreciate some feedback about what I could address the next time we talk and ways to approach it. Here's what was said:
We decided we would tell the kids this weekend. How to approach this conversation will be part of the next discussion between my H and me.
Kind of in between this stuff, we also talked a bit about how we would get the Christmas present for the kids home and that we shouldn't spend too much money.
Silence
Me: This has been difficult for you (or something like that).
Him: No less for you. I really appreciate how you've been in the last couple of weeks (again, I can't really remember exactly how long he thought it had been - I've been DBing longer than that)
Silence
Me: I'm willing to listen if you have anything to say
Him: Every day has been turmoil.
Silence
Him: I notice the changes (he called them fundamental, but also said that there have been changes before in response to these crises in our M.
Me: It's hard to trust that these changes are different.
Him: You don't have to go there (again with the TLTL here, I think - probably a lot of this is out of order)
Me: These changes are permanent (probably talked too much about this, can't remember exactly what I said) I've done some things that I should have done a long time ago (here he said 'I have too' - I should have stopped and asked what he meant, but instead I charged ahead with my sentence - must work on this) and we shouldn't beat ourselves up because of things in the past.
He agreed that the changes didn't seem temporary, but said a couple of times that it was 'too little, too late' - that he didn't want to trivialize the changes, but again, TLTL
Him: I'm not moving out because of pride, because I said I was going to and I'm going to move out even though I can see you are changing. I'm feel like this is a path I need to follow.
Me: (really leaking now, both then and while typing this) I wish you didn't feel that way but you have to do what you have to do.
Him: It would be easier if you yelled at me.
Then I said that I would think about our conversation with the kids and that H and I would talk again in a couple of days.
I already had boots on, so I gave him the cheques he needed for his new place. I hugged him and kissed him - he said thank you and seemed quite happy to hug and kiss some more - not major kissing, just brief lip contact. He then told me how great I've been looking and how he had noticed the new muscles in my back recently in an intimate situation. I smiled, he smiled, there was some light hearted chat and a little laughter (I have absolutely no memory of what we said) and I went out the door with the dogs to a nearby park. My H stayed home for a while to gather some things he needed for the rest of his day and drove by the park a while later. I'm pretty sure he slowed down to look and there I was chatting with a neighbour while our dogs played. The neighbour is an elderly man, but perhaps my H could only see that it was a man.
I am completely freaked out and quite optimistic, both at the same time. He clearly sees and is responding to the changes, even though he doesn't really trust them yet.
I would like to let him know that I understand in a different way now how my behaviour impacted him and give him a chance to talk about some of the ways in which I've hurt him. Any suggestions for a way to invite this from him next time we talk?
I intend to continue doing what I've been doing, including making myself (enthusiastically) available for sex if he shows an interest. Is there anything else I could be doing?
A main obstacle is how I have shut him down in the past whenever he has tried to talk to me about his feelings. I have been an incredibly bad listener in the past, often responding in a hurtful way, and it's going to take a while for my H to trust that my response will be different now. I feel good about this conversation and think there are seeds of hope for a future reconiliation, but I would give a lot to spare my kids the pain of a separation, even if it turns out not to be permanent. On the other hand, many have said that it is something that you just need to let them do, and that it actually helps some people move through the process faster.
My most grateful thanks to anyone who has read all of this. Your thoughts would be most welcome. _________________________ Ingrid
M16, T19 D14, S11 numerous crises due to his E/O/PAs since 2001(?) one short separation two years ago ILYBINILWY, planning to move out: Sept 07 still in house (for now)
ingrid.. you reposted the exact same message later, than you did before? deliberately?
that isnt really neccessary. nor is it why i'm replying to you. I'm just replying to you, becuase no-one else has
it really sounds like you are doing great... i think the reason no-one has posted, is because they cant suggest how you could handle things better, given the situation
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I re-posted because there seemed to be more traffic now than this morning and I'm really hoping for some feedback. When I check for recent postings, I often don't make it back more than a page or two, so I was hoping to catch people that weren't online earlier.
Thanks for your response - I don't feel like I'm doing great, because if I was doing great, my husband would be willing to stay and work on things! Right now, I feel hopeless and completely discouraged.
A main obstacle is how I have shut him down in the past whenever he has tried to talk to me about his feelings. I have been an incredibly bad listener in the past, often responding in a hurtful way, and it's going to take a while for my H to trust that my response will be different now.
I could type the same thing about myself. I still find myself cutting H (and others!) off. I am a horrible interupter.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I only know of you by what you have posted here, but you are doing very well. You let your H know that this is not what you want, but are being peaceful about it. You are leaving the door open to him, providing him a loving return if wanted. You are doing well. Enjoy the space for the moment and enjoy the holidays.
Ingrid, doing great and being able to control what your H does with it are two different things. You must give it time, continue with what you've been doing. Patience is key.
Thank you so much to everyone who responded - I know everyone here is carrying their own burden.
I would prefer to wait until after Christmas to tell the kids, scgtxok, but I also think it would be good to give them more time to adjust to the idea before H actually moves out. If we tell them on the 26th or 27th and H moves out on the 31st (probably - I'll have to ask what he's thinking for New Year's Eve), that's only a few days. OTOH, if we tell them on the weekend, they will be upset for the entire holiday and that can't be good either.
H seems to feel its better to tell them soon and I was kind of leaning that way too, but could also go the other way. I think part of his wanting to tell them is that it's one more step towards 'freedom'. I'm going to think about this - any more feedback on the timing would be appreciated. Would it be too guilt-inducing to say that we don't want to ruin their last Christmas with an intact family?
Tonight at dinner, my daughter mentioned my son's dislike of peanut butter and H said 'well, he'd better start eating it' like it's funny that money will be very tight with two households to support. I kept looking at my plate for a while and when I looked up, he was looking at me - I think he got the inappropriateness of his joke. I smiled at him and he seemed relieved.
I realize now how much I was hoping that he would see my changes and decide to stay, at least to give it a while longer. Now that I know about his firm plans to move, I am so sad.
However, my son and I spent some time today hanging bikes on the wall in our 'wrecked' room to make space for some of the other activities in there and we did it without (much) help from H(even though there was some heavy lifting involved) and had a good time doing it.
Anyway, thanks again. If it weren't for the people on this bb, I think I would have lost my mind by now.
