The fact is in my sitch while there are blessed interactions between my husband and myself, we are never going to be reconciled. Even if he were to fall madly back in love with me, we wouldn't get back together because at the end of the day, there is no room and no money to make room. D12 doesn't want us back together anyway so there would be no concessions as far as sharing a room. It wouldn't be fair to ask that of them anyway after having their own rooms for the first time in their lives. There are many other reasons though...mostly because I'm just a big pain in Jeff's ass I think. He only likes me for a little while at a time, when he's drinking...otherwise he speaks to me in annoyed tones as if he's sorry he picked up the damn phone...happened to be home...whatever. Yeah, there's times I can't get out the door because he so wants to talk, but I have to think they're just flukes because he doesn't DO anything to ever suggest it's really ME he likes talking with. I think it could be anyone. I am not special to him as I once was. That is a fact.
So anyway, this is not going to happen and there are many reasons for that that are simply outside of my means to tackle.
After Christmas, I will be separating all of the Christmas stuff between our two places and I have been rethinking how to handle Christmas itself. I had asked H if we could do Christmas Eve at his place with the kids and he said yes but he said with that tone that lets me know he's not too happy about it. Perhaps I should just take D12 with me on Christmas Eve and then let him have the kids on Christmas Day. I think we need to start acting like what we are: SEPARATED. We spend too much time together and I know that at the very least, my son has unrealistic hopes for us to all be together again and that is not healthy for him.
I can't believe I never thought it would matter. That kids were "resilient". That families are whatever you make you them to be. My son and me alone are not a family without Jeff and D12. But you know how it really feels sometimes? Like Jeff and D12 don't even like us. I have never felt as intrusive as I felt Saturday while the kids were decorating the tree with decoration I have collected and shared and made memories with BOTH of them with over the years. D12 couldn't have cared less. It did not used to be that way. Things that used to be special have all been compromised and destroyed. YES, MOST of the BLAME BELONGS on my shoulders. Pep talks are a waste of your time and will not change my opinion, so please leave it alone. My kids have to live with this. I don't think it will be hard at all on D12. Sitting there watching my chidren put up the Christmas tree Saturday night was painful. I was very disappointed and disillusioned with both of my children. I believe that there is little about "family" that is sacred to them. The last 4-5 years has even wrecked their memories of all the good years. My daughter claims no memories.
This Christmas will be harder than the last. There is no distraction of a move. There is no money. Only Jeff and I realize at this point just how very little is going to be under that tree. He isn't even pulling in disability and he won't go back to work til the first of the year. We all know what I make. I need a miracle and I need a breakthrough and I do not deserve either.
I've run out of steam. Finally lost hope. I don't know from what resource I can draw one more ounce of enery for this fight. Everything has been tapped.
Jeff might have fun with me sometimes.
But he does not love me anymore. Well, maybe like one might love a stray dog that keeps coming back but that's it.
Don't bother to tell me otherwise, either. It is what it is and I'm a big girl.
So this is how my two years here is going to end. I have stayed here a lot longer than I should have. I am accepting the reality that I destroyed everything that mattered when what I should have done was seek help for myself before I went into full-out crisis... I am also accepting that I have done every damn thing I can possibly do to make up for it. At some times, I have even gone above and beyond and not out of guilt either but because all the feelings are there, and I have matured. But they are not wanted and now I have nothing left to give. My husband has not wanted anything that I have tried all this time to give him back anyway.
So I'm quitting and maybe try to help S15 to let go, too. DBing is fine - but you shouldn't let false hope spill over onto your children. I shouldn't have made my son believe when there were so many variables. He is just a kid...
Thanks for reading and listening to me for the last two years. Thanks for the laughs, the lessons, the wisdom and the times you helped me get back up.
