Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning

[bhopeful]

Do you see how your acting differently yesterday produced a different reaction in your H? You backed off and didn't put any pressure on him and it sounds like you had a really nice day. Now you have a model for future interactions. Experiment and monitor the results. You did really good today. I wish that I could give you a real hug, but a virtual one will have to suffice. (((bear)))

Peace,
B

[JennyF]

Bear...great job today!!!
I think being quiet with them forces them to think and helps their guilt to fester. I like to think that instead of me wondering what's going on in his head that he's the one wondering about me.

I think the hardest part of all of this is having to be so patient. There are no immediate answers.

Just keep doing what you did yesterday...it gets easier!
J~

[Jeanette1120]

{{{bear}}}

What an amazing day, and what an amazing person you are. I hold you very dear to my heart also. Its rather a special feeling when you can become so close to someone just through words on a screen. But through our words we are able to express so much and learn so much.

I am not sure what happened with your husband yesterday. I do know that I said several prayers throughout the day and during Mass. The power of prayer is so strong.

I am going to warn you tho....and I pray that I am wrong, but I just want to stress to you this is not over. This was a positive day you had, but don't let this get your guard down. I hope this does not bring you down bear, I am only saying this as I hope you continue with the nc and semi darkness. It was a good thing not having dinner ready for him. It certaintly made him think.

However, my inner optimistic self is jumping up and down with happiness!!!!

Then comes in my analyzing.......why the tree? Hmmm....your ass ain't gonna be here so what gives? YIKES! Ima overthinker as you can see. Sorry. But Holy Moly I know this drives you crazy! So many questions, zero answers

So I shall end it with this.

Again, Let go and let God. He is not going to steer you wrong.

YIKES! What I would give to get a glimpse inside his mind.

Hugs to you bear, once again you did an outstanding job.

Luv ya sugah

Jeanette

[Jeanette1120]

Got this off MLC forum....



Trouble Ahead:

Then there is the unilateral divorce where one spouse makes the decision to divorce to the utter shock of the other spouse. This type of divorce means more emotional and psychological intensity for the spouse who was unaware of the problems in the marriage.

The one choosing to leave has had time to think about, reflect upon and weigh the options and to emotionally detach themselves from the marriage. The other spouse, who is caught by surprise, is normally mistreated and left to feel abandoned. There is a huge imbalance of power with the one leaving being the one in control of most aspects of whether or not the marriage will continue.

Add to this a third party and the issue of an affair and the emotional intensity is compounded. Not only will the left behind spouse feel abandoned but he/she will also feel replaced by someone better, younger, more attractive. The pain in this type of divorce comes from losing a position of importance in the life of your spouse, from beliefs about immorality, betrayal and feelings of failure as a spouse.

When a third party enters a marriage, certain psychological things start to happen in the mind of the cheating spouse. Their thinking becomes skewed in order to justify their affair. Denial of any wrong doing means shifting the blame and usually it all gets dumped onto the faithful spouse.

Normally a spouse who falls prey to an affair is a decent person that is aware of their behavior and how it is frowned upon by society. Even though they are aware of the immorality of their actions, they continue with the relationship, which means dealing with feelings of guilt.

The Blame Game:

These feelings of guilt motivate them to demonize the faithful spouse in an attempt to justify their affair. They will accuse their spouse of many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. The faithful spouse is portrayed as an inadequate partner, which left the cheating spouse no choice but to find an adequate replacement.

Not only will the faithful spouse be demonized, history is rewritten to make it appear that he/she has been inadequate for the entire duration of the marriage. The cheating spouse will recreate the marriage and what happened during the marriage to make it appear that they have suffered much pain and unhappiness throughout the entire marriage.

They may say things such as, "I was forced into marrying you" or, "You've never loved me the way I needed to be loved" or, "I have lived in hell for 20 years." He/She will say anything as long as it will enable him/her to appear to have been the victim of the marriage and fully justified in abandoning their spouse.
You Pay for Their Bad Behavior:

The cheating spouse will tell their story often and to anyone who will listen, to the point that they will finally begin to truly believe that the left behind spouse deserves punishment. The faithful spouse is the offender and the persecutor and needs to be dealt with harshly.

Punishment will come in the way of financial withholding or worse, fighting over custody for any children of the marriage. They may begin to believe that the faithful, demonized spouse is not entitled to receive any future benefits from them, sometimes not even those allowed by law.

Shocked and Awed:

The faithful spouse will question their own sanity and replay their marriage in their mind trying to find some hint of all the unhappiness they are told of by the unfaithful spouse. They will question how their spouse, someone they have loved and trusted could betray them in such a way. First to have an affair and then to rewrite the history of their marriage in such a way as to try and lay blame at their feet.

The faithful spouse will wonder how their spouse could blame them for having to have an affair and how they could defame their character after many years of being given love, respect and trust. They will wonder how their spouse cannot see how their words and blaming does damage to the children by depicting their mother/father in a bad light.

The faithful spouse will question his/her own memory of what they thought was a happy marriage. He/She will wonder if the marriage was never anything but a sham and a figment of their imagination. They will wonder why the unfaithful spouse never complained if they were unhappy or why they never made a request for changes in the relationship.

Being punished for your spouse's cheating is an overwhelming state in which to find yourself. Recovery from the stress of such a profound emotional trauma is slow. If you have found yourself in such a situation, remember, with time comes healing and understanding. You will laugh again, love again and the sun will shine again. All you have to do is trust your memories, never forget that the insanity caused by an affair is not your fault and that you are not alone because in today's society cheating is the number one reason for divorce.

[Rollercoasterider]

WHO is this man, I don't understand what is going on here. There was absolutely no talk like h said there was to be done today. Not that I am complaining about it.

You handled that day very well; good job!

This is part of what is 'normal.' In the first weeks after the bomb Sweetheart cycled rapidly, sometimes it was merely mood changes, but he also changed his mind--wanting me, wanting OW.
They worked together and she was fired and he feared he'd never see her again. It was that Friday or probably the Friday a week later when he told me he had changed his mind but didn't know how to tell his parents. We went biking, she called while we were out--on his cell. So his mind shifted again. But there were periodically these good weeks or few days. Things were never back to normal--they were confusing, but normal for him was more distant--he's clingy, but not touchy feely. Well, he was still clingy, but we had sex a lot--and it was great sex! His hormones that were all over the place for the OW were projecting to me too.

I remember coming here to the board and asking what was wrong. I said I dind't trust it--not that I didn't trust him, he was too confused for trust or a lacxk thereof. But things felt so good and I just KNEW it didn't mean things were getting better. It was thrilling because it gave me reassurrance for the future, but scary because it left things without answers for the present.

IT comes down t these things are not to be understood. They happen and there is often no logical sense to them. When they are going well, go with that flow. All moments are DB moments, but these are really great times because he will be viewing your DB'ing positively.

At other times you will properly DB, but he may not like it--they aren't fond of boundaries. So understand the reactions you will receive may not always SEEM positive.

Maybe he's already being different today, maybe he's still being nice--and it is fine that it is because of guilt. Go with that flow and enjoy it.

Think about the definition of Act as if.
There is a misconception that it is another way of saying Fake it til you make it. Though another valid technique, they are different.

Acting as if is about expectations. If you are expecting certain moods and behaviours, you are likely to react to them before they happen--and may actually cause the behaviours you expected because the person then reacts to you.

Ex. You expect him to come home angry, so you are irritated and defensive. He walks in the door and before you can tell whether he is angry, you treat him as though he is. He then reacts to your anger or frustration or whatever it is your being with anger. Then you think your prediction was right--he was angry when he came home.

Maybe he will come home angry, maybe not. By acting as if he will be happy, you will greet him and treat him as though he is happy. Maybe he will be happy becaue of this, maybe he already was and his joy will continue, maybe he was angry, but your unexpected treatment made a difference in how he felt, or maybe he will still be angry.

This is also different than when we say expect nothing. That is not about day-to-day moods, but expectation for a larger portion. If he moves and returns prematurely, expect he may or may not leave again--everything and nothing.

FOcus on yourself and choose joy; it is contagious and he will notice.

HUGS,
RCR

[phbear316]

Hi all

Well, i called out sick today, H comes home in am and tells me how is night was, I go back to bed to sleep, h comes in my bedroom about 12ish and asks do you feel better? i'm surprised you called out sick? I said yes, i just did not feel up to going in.

H is sitting on bed telling me the exact story he told me this am about work. I barely listen, dont want to really. its all just words with no meaning.

H showers and is going to work, asks if he should leave dryer plugged in, yes i say i'm going to get up now.
I do not tell h i am going to gym for a while, H leaves and i get a light hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Jeanette, I hold no hope and expectations that h's mood will stay. I feel everyday is like the game of wheel of emotions new one each spin. My heart is broken and my soul is empty right now. I hold absolutely no expectations.

I feel the little pebbles i am throwing at the big bulldozer h is driving straight at me will not stop the fact h is trying to roll right over me.
I have to let this go into gods hands, and pray that god will give me strength and give h some sense of clarity not confusion in his mind.

RCR- while i may have stated i know h's mood the minute his foot hit the top step in the kitchen, i did mean it, i could tell by the look on his face. I on the other hand would be in the kitchen with a smile on my face saying hi! how was your day, with a happy note in my voice. So i'm feeling what ever i did or did not do, right now made absolutely no difference in h's mind or emotional state.

This cycling ride of h's emotions is making me feel like i want to throw up.

I feel when H finally does tell me he is going to florida, my response is going to be, well if you need to go to clear you head I cannot stop you, do what you must. I wan t to tell him please remember that i love you, but not so sure about that last line.

Jeanette the post you sent me, i feel it is me the last paragraph, but for one thing, I do feel guilty, that part of me feels i should have said something earlier, not stuck my head in the sand and not admitting there was a problem with H and I. Communication is where we failed. I was afraid to say something to h, because i felt if i said something i would be right back in the abusive relationship i had with x. If i said something he did not like, i paid a price for it. I shut down out of fear. Why i dont know. and i did tell h that also on sat. I said i was sorry for not opening up to him when h would ask what was wrong, I said i did not know how to talk to you. But i can talk now i am stronger, you need to listen to me. and hear me.

I have to let go, and let god handle this, i pray that god will be with me thru this, hope that god will get thru to h, so h can see where he is confused and help guide him. Hope god will guide us both back together. I know it won't be easy and i know it wont happen overnight, but i do not want my marriage to end. I dont what little is left in my heart and soul does not want to let go of us.

I am so grateful for all you positive prayers, more than you all know. You all have picked me up so much i am forever grateful to all of you

much love and hugs to all of you
Bear

[phbear316]

I went to gym this afternoon, felt good,no one was there, had treadmill for an hour. H has called me twice today since he left around 12. H called when I was on my way to the gym and sounded surprised that i felt ok to go. I said yes, h does not know I did not go on friday, and i miss going. I talk to h, say i am going to food store after gym to get some more cold meds. H asks if i could get some more cold cuts. Sure I say. As i get home and shower H called while I was in shower and called again. as I was making dinner. H wanted to know if I was on a certain highway because traffic was crazy. No I'm home. Oh good he says. GOOD? HUH.. who is this man,

H says he is at work and he will see me in a few hrs. He is supposed to be home at 10pm we will see.

My feelings are right now, my h is controlling and trying to control me. I'm thinking that h does not know how to deal with all of what i said on saturday. I guess guilt is good in some cases.

I'm glad you all are proud of me for sunday. It was nerve racking but it had to be done. I did not know what to do about the tree issue, I let him control it. He wanted the tree, we put up the tree. I look at the tree and feel nothing, empty and pain.

RCR i am jealous you mentioned in you post you and your sweetie were having sex, wish that were true on my side.

Well i'm of for now to do some online christmas shopping, had no luck on sat when i went to the mall. be back later

((hugs))
bear

[Rollercoasterider]

RCR i am jealous you mentioned in you post you and your sweetie were having sex, wish that were true on my side.

That reference was from 2005--Late March Through May. After he moved out and the OW relationship became physical that stopped.

We had full sex next in November 2005 while he was home for a few months. Then once in January 2006 while he was home for a week of button-pushing.
When he was home from Apr-June 2006, no sex. We went without sex for 18 months. Correction: I went without. Oh well.

Once the OW relationship was physical, Sweetheart lived with the OW when he was not living at home.

My feelings are right now, my h is controlling and trying to control me.

Right, he doesn't know how to deal with what you said. But what are you going to act as if? Are you going to act as if he is controlling you...that is are you going to react as though you are being controlled? Or are you going to act (and be) in control of yourself?

I realize you may know his mood when he walks through the door. That isn't the point of acting as if. The point is to act as if it (whatever it refers to) is positive.

HUGS,
RCR

[sgctxok]

I dunno. Maybe going off on him worked, contrary to my opinion.

[sgctxok]