I Was Almost A WAW....Still (Next Thread)

[sandi2]

DomR,

It's hard to tell if he is mad at me or what. When he gets off his medicine, he doesn't act sad like I do....he acts mad at the world. Even the kids talk about it. It takes several days for him to come out of it once he gets back on the medicine.

However, you are right, I am losing my nerve. It is not "nerve" as much as just not having the "want to" anymore. Maybe it's hopeless. I got up early this morning and wrote a long letter to him. I thought maybe he could process that better than hearing me since he has adult AD. Anyway, I looked it over and thought, what's the use, it is the same thing I have talked to him many, many times before and it never changed.

I'm sorry for letting you down DomR. I can't do it right now. I don't know what's wrong with me. I thought last week that the AD meds were kicking in and that I was going to be feeling stronger and able to do this, but tonight I just feel very, very low and just can't take the pressure right now. I can't do this b/c you tell me to do it or b/c you think it is a good idea....I have to do it b/c I want to do it and feel it in my heart....and I just don't right now.

You more or less told me if I was serious about saving my M that I should just stop talking about it and just DO it. Maybe I'm not serious.....maybe I don't know what I want anymore......maybe I'm still a WAW....maybe I've disappointed everyone by not getting my act together and having a super marriage by now. You think I'm making excuses, and maybe I am, although I still say I know my H better than you do and I know when the time is right or wrong better than you do. If you are fed up with me and want to wash your hands of trying to help me.....I understand completely, but please don't try to force me to do something when I am trying to tell you that I am not in a good place right now (emotionally or physically or with my H) to do it. You don't know what goes on in this house or what may have happen in my kids' and grandkid's lives, and you don't know what my emotions are going through. Right now, with you pressing me to do this when I don't feel the time is right within this three of four day time frame you have given me.....it just makes me feel more of a failure. When you said you would work with me on that, I didn't realize I had to do it within so many days. You are way too pushy and demanding about your assignments. Perhaps you don't mean to be, but it comes across in your posts.....or maybe it's just my frame of mind now.

I don't know anymore. I am afraid I am getting to the place I was when I fist came on board, and that is not good. For a short period, things seem to be a little better b/c we didn't fuss and fight. But the "desire & love" that I wanted to feel never came and that has been very disappointing for me. I felt like I never did "good enough" according to some here on the board b/c I was just suppose to "do it anyway" whether I felt it in my heart or not. Well, that's just not me when it comes to love and sex.

I still can't stand the thought of him touching me.....that's not a good sign. I don't think I could respond to him if I had to, right now. So, maybe I'll live out the rest of my life as being a "friend" to my H......I don't know. I don't understand anything anymore. Maybe it's the depression....but then you felt like.....how was it you said? I allowed myself or that I "used" it or something, I can't remember now, but it was like b/c I didn't do the assignments you gave me to do with my H, that now as a result, I'm all depressed over it. To my knowledge, clinical depression doesn't work like that.

Anyway, the holidays are upon us and I am probably just pulling people down that read my stitch, so I think I will take a break from the board. I'm so sorry for disappointing any of you that had placed high hopes in me. Maybe after Christmas, I will be feeling better and can start the new year out right with a PMA and get into gear and do what needs to be done, but right now.....well, obviously, I can't seem to make myself do it.

[Lillieperl]

I'm sorry for letting you down DomR

maybe I've disappointed everyone by not getting my act together and having a super marriage by now

please don't try to force me to do something

I am probably just pulling people down that read my stitch

I'm so sorry for disappointing any of you that had placed high hopes in me

(((((sandi)))))

Honey, please let go of ANY thoughts that you have disappointed anyone! This is your life, your marriage, YOUR timetable, your gut feelings, what is good for you and makes you feel good about yourself and how you are handling things.

Don't add to your misery by picturing cyber-friends who are shaking their heads and cluck-clucking over you. If anyone IS judging you, that person is not your friend.

Taking a break from the board might very well be just the thing. Or you might just take a break from reading Dom's posts... Everyone here (including him) wants you to be happy, but NO ONE (including him) knows exactly what you should do to bring that about.

So do what they say in alanon: "Take what you like and leave the rest." These are only opinions of fellow strugglers like you. If advice doesn't ring true, or seems undoable, just skip it. This board is for toughlove sometimes, but it's also for support when you are hurting.

So please stick around and let us know how you are doing from time to time. No one here has you on a timetable... and NO ONE here is in a position to judge your "progress" or how well you are doing or not. Okay?

[Dom R]

Anyway, the holidays are upon us and I am probably just pulling people down that read my stitch, so I think I will take a break from the board.

Sandi.... last time you took a break from an outside look at your situation... what happened?

things spiraled down... you felt even worse.

yes, you feel bad.
yes, your husband feels bad.

weigh the alternatives of "doing something", vs "doing nothing".

Given your situation, "doing nothing" is quite likely to make things worse between you. Which will make both of you feel even worse.

you know that's why i'm pushing you. Because, judging by your recent past, "doing nothing", is about the worst thing you can choose right now.

That may be why you're running away, also. Because you know that you could make things better... and facing that, may scare you.
It would be a new, unknown life for you... and the unknown sometimes scares us.

please don't try to force me to do something when I am trying to tell you that I am not in a good place right now (emotionally or physically or with my H) to do it.

what's going to bring you to "a good place", Sandi?

You have 10 years of proof, that "doing nothing", wont do that.

Dont wait until you feel good, to do something.

Do something, so that you will feel good!

You will feel so much better after talking to your husband about this! He loves you... you know this too. He is waiting for you.

[Lillieperl]

Dom, what part of "get off my back" did you not understand?

[cemar2]

Sandi2:

If I were to create a similar list, I could make it in one sentence: I want to be lovers with my wife. Obviously, this includes lots of things, but it is VERY pshyically oriented, and it definitely requires a very strong sex drive on the womans part. What YOU were looking for is COMPANIONSHIP.

I will also tell you that the male sex drive is so high, that if our love life sucks, the rest of the marriage can NOT make up for that. You have to remember that mens primary goals in marriage are to win your desire and your admiration. Companionship is NOT the goal for him.

[sandi2]

Okay DomR (and Cemar), you baited me into replying to you even though I was going to take a break. I think you have me confused with somebody else. I did make the statement once that I thought I should take a little break, but I never did. You can look back on my post and see where I have sent somebody a post every day. They were not under my thread, but I was here on the board every day except a couple when I was sick early back in the very beginning when I first came aboard. So, I don't know what you are calling my downward spiral when I was off the board for two weeks b/c I have never been off the board for two weeks since I first arrived!

Aslo, you have made a reference to my "honeymoon" period with my H and wanted to know what happen to that. You were the one that assumed all of the honeymoon stuff when I told you we were getting along better and would kiss and say ILY. I looked back over the posts to make sure about the before I decided to respond to this. I even tried to tell you that if I led you to believe that it was more than what it was, that I was sorry b/c I had not meant to do that. I only wanted you to know that we were nicer to each other and were at least kissing good-bye and at times saying a light-heart ILY. When I read you post about that, you were the one that was all excited over it like we had really accomplished something. I agree that it was an improvement, but it was certainly far from any honeymoon period!

As I looked back over the thread and read your posts to me, I saw where you questioned me very often and very detailed about what happened since the "honeymoon period". I figured you just read more into it than what it was, so I tried to let it slide.

I'm going to say something and I hope you will take it the right way. I have considered you a friend and I know you put a lot of time and thought into what you tell people on the board. I have appreciated the fact that you are concerned in my stitch enough to try to work with me about it. But, at times you have been too......how shall I say this?........detailed? I felt like you were trying to pick me apart. I didn't know how to answer some of your questions and you wouldn't let it rest. You wouldn't leave it alone and would keep pressing me about it. Sometimes the frustration just got too much, so I would stay off my own thread and just read others and try to post to other people. You found me there and sent me a post (almost scolding me) and when I replied.....then you tell me it belongs over on my thread and not their's.

I did appreciate you trying to encourage me to set goals and to think about what I wanted from my H and what I needed to do, etc., but Dom, you just can't keep pushing and pushing people to do things in your time frame. This is not your stitch and you don't know everything that is going on. Believe it or not...I don't reveal everything! I realize that I seem to be putting off doing anything about the MR.....I know that....and I am trying to deal with all of it. Between you and Cemar telling me it is my responsibility to make the first move and that I am the one that needs to be doing the work, and my poor husband, etc., etc., etc.,....... that was why I was going to take a break from the board. Because I couldn't deal with all that right now. I am trying to deal with my depression (and my Husband's moods) and my emotions and the fact that my kids won't have Christmas and their health problems and things like that, that seems a little more pressing than following your assignments to the letter---or trying to jack my low sex drive up to a high sex drive b/c compaionship is not what men are looking for, they just want sex.....according to Cemar.

Last night when I was trying to post, I was so tore up and confused and didn't know how I felt about anything. That is why I said I need to take a break from all of this. Then you tell me the last time I took a break I was headed for another OM, which is totally incorrect. That is why I said you must have me confused with another thread. Because I never took a break (like I planned) and I wasn't looking for another man.

You have accused me of assuming things about my H, but you both have assumed things about me also. You have also been wrong about those assumptions. Cemar, you think you know my H so well, when all you are doing is thinking about youself. You are thinking of your W when you are talking to me and thinking of yourself when you are speaking of my H. It is so obvious!

Dom, you asked me what would make me feel better? That I should do something rather than do nothing at all. Well, a few months ago walking away from my marriage would have made me feel a whole lot better.......do you think that would have been the wise thing to do? Just b/c I made the decision to stay in a dead M does not mean that I automatically have the desire for my H. It does not mean that I have the "want to" or the energy to "work" on the R when I am so depressed and struggling with other things in my life that I can't think right now. On top of all that, the temptation to contact the OM never completely stopped.....even after the three month mark. I lived for that anniversay thinking it would be all over and I would be free from the grieving of "what may have been"....well, I'm not free of it. It still haunts me. So, I'm dealing with that. I know, that makes me a bad wife! My poor husband, blah, blah, blah. We all know he is perfect, never did a thing wrong in all our married life and I'm the bad guy.

Well, that is why I said that I needed to get away from all of this for a few days. It is just getting a bit much to tollerate. I need encouragement.......not more pressure in my life.

[cemar2]

sandi2:

First, I have never said your husband was not the problem. He is 100% responsible for the problems in your marriage. But so are you.

Second, I hope that I have NEVER indicated that men just need more sex. To me it is about the DESIRE for sex, it is NOT about sex.

Third, lets turn this around. What can YOUR husband do for you that will cause you to desire him physically. THAT is what he wants to know. He will FOCUS on that if he knows WHAT it is. If he knew what turns you on, he would be a fool to NOT do that.

[RealJourney]

Sandi, I'll let you in on a secret. When the posts have more than, say, two paragraphs, I tend to skip over them! Or I skim it through. Or I take a break from the board. It's all ok!!!

[ann25]

Hi Sandi -

Hang in there. Probably a combination of the meds and the holidays and the problems at home and people not understanding what you are saying here, but just be you. You are not disappointing anyone here. If someone feels disappointed, then its cause they have expectations of you and they don't know your whole sitch (not 100% at least) and it is their problem!!

i really don't think you have to keep defending yourself on here. i really don't think you need to take or accept critism here. if it's constructive, mull it over, and like lillieperl said "Take what you like and leave the rest." if you need a break, by all means take one. you need to take care of sandi!!

I truely appreciate your comments and thoughts on my thread. thanks!!

i'll continue to pray for you and your sitch, whether you are here or not!! ann

[Dom R]

good mornin Sandi,

Lots of things I could say, to your long reply. but I'll keep this one short.

Dom, you asked me what would make me feel better? That I should do something rather than do nothing at all. Well, a few months ago walking away from my marriage would have made me feel a whole lot better.......do you think that would have been the wise thing to do?

It wouldnt, though. it wouldnt have made you feel better in the long term. It would have given you a bit of breathing room, and destress for a while... but after you got that break.. i think you would have regretted it.

What's going to make you happier in the long term, Sandi?

• Being on your own
• Finding another man
• Being in a loving relationship with the man you married
  ?

Any one of those, is possible for you. I personally think that the 3rd one, is what will make you happiest, for the long term.
Even if you found another man, who you were "very happy with".. you could build a relationship with your husband that was just as good. Except that it would feel even better, because it was with the man you first chose to marry. Wouldnt it?


let me know when you're back from your current break, and if you'd like to talk about the other stuff then.