Maybe not too complicated to understand

[Michael Mc C]

So my sister and BIL brought my family out to the movies on Saturday morning. Had a great time but my W was, for the most part, miserable. She decided to skip lunch with us so we dropped her off at home. 2 hours later I checked my email and had two from her. She really misunderstood the conversation we had about the custody and my comments about the court possibly overriding anything we decided - she hears what she wants.

I won't even get into the mails but they were the most vicious and hurtful things she has ever said to me. The last line of her second mail was something like "Maybe one day you will find happiness but it will NOT be with me."

Wow, that kind of sums it up I guess.

I reiterated, almost word for word, the way the conversation went that night. She apologized for misunderstanding and for exploding on me.

Anyway, because she feels we might need to do it anyway, she has agreed to go to counseling. Not to save the marriage but to help us through this and to help ME understand where SHE is at.

Funny enough, I completely understand this whole thing. I am the one who has invested 3 months into finding out how internet affairs begin and how they blossom into the "true love of soul-mates" she has been feeling.

I'd love to tell her "no, we do this the right way or we don't do it at all" but that simply won't work. If counseling at this level is the only option she'll entertain then I will accept it and hope that it helps her understand what it is, and why it is, she's in this place.

I am a little concerned that it was in her 2nd mail that she mentioned counseling - the more vicious of the two mails. It's as if she wants to do it to get it out of the way. To say that she did try and it simply didn't work. I feel my hands may be tied.

On another note, history continues to be re-written. Our good friend "L" (neighbor behind us) has known about our sitch since the beginning - she has been a key confidant for me. My W hasn't spoken to her about this to any great degree and not at all, really, since "L" recommended counseling back in September.

This past week W called her up and told her about her new love and her plans for a new life ("he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with"). She told "L" that we had been separated for 6 months. Wow. "L" spent almost every weekend with us this summer. She knows that things didn't go down until 3 months ago. W, however, is more than happy to share her delusion in order to make it convincing, either to herself or to everyone she speaks to. "L"'s husband was a psych major and called this a 'self-fulfilling prophecy'. The more she tells the same story the more she tends to believe it herself. i.e., she is brainwashing herself so that everything looks perfect.

I asked W what she would have said if I recommended counseling SIX months ago. She said "I would have said no. I wasn't feeling unhappy SIX months ago".

Go figure.

Finally, I compared this "love" that she has to a new drug addiction. If she tried this drug today and found that she was suddenly hooked on it, she would insist that she was not being satisfied before. Even though she had no complaints about her life before trying the drug, she suddenly couldn't imagine going back to the drug-free lifestyle. Makes sense to me, I'm not sure she appreciates the analogy.