Jar- Haven't read all of your stuff, but remember this. DBing isn't only for saving your M. It is for saving you and making you better as well.
If you make the changes in your life, for you, and your R with your W still ends, so be it. You can only truly control your actions. I am in the same boat as you. If my W came crawling back to me tonight, I would likely step over her and continue to move on. The fact that I feel this way doesn't mean that I cannot benefit from this rag tag group of misfits. You are new in this process. Don't abandon it yet. By that I mean the process of you becoming happy and healthy. You have many more roller coasters to endure....believe me.
As for the friendly thing goes, the great and wise frank_d once told me that I am not nor will I continue to be friends with my XW. I will have to be friendly with her for the kids sake, but not friends. Friends don't do things like she has done to me. Plain and simple.
Godspeed my brother. In your quest, I wish you nothing but the best. It saddens me some that your situation is somewhat due to your decision to serve your country.
Go out now and be a hero for your kids now.
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
