Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning

[phbear316]

Jeanette, SG, Jenny

I want to start off with, my heart fills with love for all of you. You guys know how to pick me up dust me off, and stand me back up.

RCR I did not forget about you either, but you have such a long post I need to really read and answer it. I will I promise.

Ok so here is the update of what happened today. When I finished posting here, I went down stairs to start the laundry, I then decided to put out the new bird feeder i purchased yesterday. I have only the house phone with me. I wanted to call my mom to wish her a nice time at at party today. The phone rings it is H, i do not answer. I had to run back into the house, my cell phone is ringing, its H. I would not answer. I call my mom, h calls again, and again I do not answer. I'm on the phone with mom, telling her what h's new antics were. Told her about aunt, etc. (side note mom was happy i went to church.) All of a sudden H shows up in the yard for I wanted to move the leaves from the door and side of the house, so I just started raking. I say hi, and I turned around and started to talk to my mom. All of a sudden h comes out again, and heads towards the shed and gets the leaf blower. We rake leaves. I barely talk. H is the one initiating conversation, not me. I refused to ask how the wedding was. We are outside for like an hour. H wants to fix the birdfeeder that the squirrls broke. I said I'm sure you can figure out something.

Then we come inside, I snuggle up on the love seat, because i am cold and this cold is getting the better of me. All of a sudden h sits on the couch and says, I was thinking, I know hold on to your hat (joke we have) do you think the tree would look ok over here? (right at that moment i felt like i overdosed on cold meds, but i did not take anything) I said I guess it would work, only question is where would we use a plug from. H says there is one behind the couch here we can use. Ok is my answer. H and I start to watch tv. Some time passes, and h says do you want to go now or in a little while for a tree. I said we can go after this program you are watching is over. I say are you sure you want to get a tree, his answer is yes. Ok, i don't get this is going thru my mind. I get changed and we head off to the place we always go and it takes no time to find a tree, bring it home and put it up.

It was very hard, Thou I am proud of myself I only cried once, when I put the 1st christmas together ornament up. H also puts up snowflake lights that i had bought last night in the front window. I did not ask him, h just started to do it. I did not stop him.

After we are done, h says what do you want for dinner, I said, i did not plan anything to cook, because I did not know what time you would be home today. I made dinner, which h said he enjoyed. We are done with dinner, h says I don't think its worth saving that little bit of beef. I said you could you eat it? H says no, in a way he used to talk to me, no i made a piglet out of myself, belly too full. Ok who is this man in my house. H cleans up the dinner dishes loads them in the washer.

H falls asleep on couch, I wake him up at 10:30 h has to be at work at 11p. H asks if I could put his coffee in a travel mug. Sure i say. H makes himself some leftovers for a snack later and asks if it is ok if he leaves my truck in the driveway. I said i did not have any issue with this. I get a kiss and a light hug from h. I say thank you for the day it was nice.

Now gang, WHO is this man, I don't understand what is going on here. There was absolutely no talk like h said there was to be done today. Not that I am complaining about it. I am kinda glad in my heart that it did not happen today. My feeling is he is in an absolute confused state. Do you agree? Or is he just shutting down more. I feel today with the tree issue was pure guilt, because I said sat, the you have made a decision that there is not christmas here, I did not have a say. you made the decision you have taken control over the holidays. So I know the tree is a guilt move on his part. You know the sad thing, I am sitting here looking at the tree and I feel both sadness and nothing, truly nothing. Why? I am so confused as to why this happened.

Input?

Sg hope your cold gets better,
I feel a special attachment to all of you, and I thank god every night that you have all come into my life

Hugs
Bear