Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning

[sgctxok]

Do nothing and leave it in God's hands.


But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,
and all these things will be given to you as well.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,
for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own.



Matthew 6: 33 -34

[phbear316]

Well I went to church, and saw my aunt in church.. She comes to me at the end of the mass and says what is wrong, please talk to me. I just break down, I told her, then begged her not to say a word to anyone. She says she and my uncle were concerned when I saw them is Sept that my h was not around. She asked if he was leaving and i said most likely yes, he is having an affair with someone else. Mean while you have to picture this, we are in the receiving line going out the door to meet the pastor, now tears are rolling down my face and my aunt introduces me to the pastor. My aunt says she was married in this church 13 yrs ago. I tried to make it thru the introduction must have left the poor pastor thinking what the heck? My aunt and I spoke for a few minutes she wanted me to come to the house for coffee, i decline, could not do it, also not feeling that great, cold is getting the better of me. My aunt says to me, i wish i has something to say to you but i don't you know i am here if you want to talk. She says come to church next week i agreed to. When i dropped her off, I begged her not to say a word, she promised she would not, she knows how our family is.

I feel i have nothing left, nothing more to give, I dont want to give up, but its 1230 and h still is not home. I feel i am at the end of the whole journey. and the road is gone in front of me, and the road behind me is washed away.

I have to find the strength, I know i have it i don't want to give up. I just am going to a dark place i don't like. But I will go here if it gets me somewhere

bear

[Jeanette1120]

Bear

I know today he will tell me he does not want to continue in this marriage.

I know today he will tell me he is going to fla for xmas.

Yes, he may tell you this today. It's how you handle it thats more important. Your husband does many things with you. He takes you out to dinner, he helps prepare dinner, you go shopping and do errands together. He's not doing all of this because of guilt. There still is a connection between you, as he would not want to do any of this if he did not choose to be with you. Let him go for Christmas let him tell you he's not happy. This does not mean you need to lift one finger to help him. You do not need to mention divorce, nor agree to it. Let him do all the work.

I want to listen today I truly do, I want him to talk to me, really talk. not just say you did this and you did that and you won't do this.

Sigh, this is the worst part. Your not really going to hear the truth from him, you will hear guilt speaking truth. If he does put blame on you, do not take it to heart. Just listen and reply your sorry he feels this way.

what i said yesterday was not for guilt purposes, it was to show him, i am human, and you are hurting me. The opportunity presented it self and i took it.

I will do my best and find the strength to keep my mouth shut today if he talks to me.

So am i to give in, and just agree with him, that if he wants a divorce just say yes and give in. Does not sound right to me

You've held off from letting your feelings go for the longest. I am very proud of you for this. I am positive he knows your feelings.

Once again, you do not have to agree to the divorce if this is what he tells you. Let him do what he needs to do. You need to take care of bear.

I hurt so much for you. I wish this had not of gotten this far ror you. I truly believed things were changing, I knew you were.
I had hoped he was doing the same.

I am sending you prayers your way.

Jeanette

[JennyF]

Bear...I'm struggling right now with feeling like this is the end also. All signs seem to point that way. But I am CHOOSING to believe it is not. It is what makes letting go a little easier. I believe this is a bump in the road NOT the end of the road. H may beleive it is over. He may even believe that I believe it is over. But I know in my heart that he must go down this road and complete his own journey for us to even have a chance.

Keep focusing on yourself and try not to get discouraged. Easier said than done I know. Do what SG is telling you...it is your best bet. But try not to think that ANYTHING is going to get you immediate results. It won't. Even if it did, I'm sure it wouldn't last and that isn't what you want either.

If you get the urge to speak to him again or pour any more out to him...picture his back walking away from you. Picture that is exactly what those words are doing...driving him away. Hopefully that will stop you.

You have every right to feel how you feel and he deserves to hear it. BUT, if it will have the reverse effect of what you want, WHY DO IT!?!

You'll be great today. I'm thinking about you.
J~

[sgctxok]

We will walk with you, sweetie.

When I got divorced I stopped going to church for awhile and later tried new churches.

I couldn't bear to sit and cry in church. So I understand that.

I hope you keep going though...I wish I had.




I know doing nothing will feel terrible. It really isn't nothing though. I believe in my heart, if you let him alone, he will eventually be back with you. If you give him things to resist, it might not go that way.

Pray each time, before you do or say anything.

Your heart is different than emotions even if it doesn't 'feel' that way. You don't have to obey your emotions.


But you can go with what you really know to be true. So you can be honest. And should be honest. But you don't have to 'let loose'.

It wouldn't hurt if you weren't there waiting for him. If you just went to your aunt's . Go where people are willing to love you and take care of you.


I've got this nasty cold too. I have a few sips of amaretto, along with a nasty zinc cold tablet. But those nasty tablets usually work to shorten the cold for me.



If you can go get pampered, do so.


I like you so much. I think you are wonderful and have a great heart. I feel we have a lot in common. If you can shock him, I think it will work for you, honey.


Saying a prayer for you. I also asked the Carmelite nuns to pray for you.

It will be ok. If God is for us, who can be against.

[Rollercoasterider]

I feel some days I have self esteem in some things, and in other things I do not. I know one thing is I want to this marriage to work. I will not give up.
Need to improve my self esteem this is a new goal.

Good. That is where you need to start. I'll first review and respond to the posts and then we can talk about goals.

...with the low self esteem, i allowed [my x-boyfriend] to manipulate me, and rule me, abuse me both physically and mentally. ...he would force me for sex it was like rape. I need some day for h to see that... he needs to understand this and what happened to me and the impact it has had on my life and most likely will have for the rest of my life.

Be careful though. This is an issue that is yours, not his. Yes, it affects him, but it is something for you to release, not him. You are right about impacting the rest of your life. Everything twe do, choices and things done to us change us. I understant that what happened was not a postivie expereince, but it will always be a part of you. LEt it shape you into a better person.

Think about it like this: When you talk about it impacting the rest of you life, are you making an excuse for being a certain way? If so, use it for positive means instead, you are more compassionate, understanding or sensitive because... This is one of YOUR demons. We've all got them, they are our shadow selves, some part are good and beautiful, but we fear them becasue they are linked to parts that we feel are shameful and ugly. The goal is to release the ugly and embrace the beaty, and realize that you were not to blame--please do not be ashamed.

Is it normal to have get even feelings

It is probably abnormal not to have those feelings--that would be where hell hath no fury like a woman scorned orginated. You don't need to act on the feelings.

You will go through these feelings and release them...because hell hath no fury like a woman scorned is not the anthem of a Stander. But it is normal. Accept that and you will get through it.

I so miss my H, I want him to hold me, I want to hold him. I want him to play with my hair and rub my back, while we lay on the couch and watch tv with my head on his leg. Why has this been so hard the last few days. I just want that closeness, which is gone.

I know, i know what you are going to say. I have to snap out of this, and I will just having a bad few days.

I won't tell you to snapmout of it. These are normal feelings, they are part of how we get through this process. I would be concerned if you never had these feelings. We don't get OVER them or snap out, we get through them and we do that by experiencing them.

I have not heard from him at all, so I did one positive thing, 180 call it I have not called him.

YAY!!!! You should be proud of youself.

Why is it so difficult for him to go see a play that he has always wanted to see. Am I that bad of a person, a monster that you cannot spend 4 hours with me?

Is it about you and how he feels about you or about him and how he feels about him Self?

Right now, which of you is the one behaving inappropriately (bad)? A person who loves another person has trouble being with that person when they are not happy with there own Self. That same unhappy person has less trouble being with someone for whom they feel less. The unhappy person feels unworthy and finds someone for whom he feels worthy--less of a person in his mind.

This does not mean he will not have feelings or hormonal reactions toward this person. Often, the unhappy person is unaware that he is unhappy with him Self, he believes it is with your he is unhappy. Hope that made sense with all the pronouns.

Maybe some more decorating, not really in the mood for it thou.

Sometimes desire proceeds action. Decorate anyway and the mood may follow--or for other activities.

There's nothing magical that you can do to change your situation, but you can start improving it by changing your attitude towards life.

And that is its own kind of magic. Happy days are not made, they are chosen.

We all know that what would make you happiest would be to have your H back...

This is a common misconception. We think that having our spouses back would bring happiness. We can get them back and then solve our relationship problems.

Well that is not how it works. First, if you want them back, then you may get what you ask for...a broken spouse who will come home and things will likely worsen and one of you will leave again in either the near or distant future. I'm not saying that as a scare tactic. How about wanting them Forward? You can move on with your life while Standing for your marriage. You can grow and blossom, and he will also. Sometimes separation is necessary for growth. But upon a return, counseling is important to work together on the former issues and learn to be together as the new people you are now and are always becoming.
It is not uncommon for upon return, a spouse to be so happy that they do not work on what happened, but instead forget it in order to move forward.

Forgive and forget is not a wise axiom. Forgive, yes, but those who forget are bound to repeat.

he then says he is going to the wedding sat. I say are you taking her? his answer is I don't need or want to tell you what I am doing with her, its not the point. I grew up with Robin, and and I should go to the wedding. I say well i dont appreciate that you are taking her to the wedding, I did not get a vote or say about it, He says well with everything that is going on, it was just the best answer. I say well how hard could it be, to go to dinner that's the way I looked at it. H says it would be hard. Fu*&ing bastard. Then he says I may have to go back to work on sunday. After a moment of silence i say, well I would not have done this to you. But you feel you need to do what you need to do, but I am giving you your space. It was just really a dinner to me I know robin and everyone too and your not being fair.
...I was then just forced to call him back, and the first thing I said was i don't want to fight but with you i want to keep communication with you open, but this hurt me what you are doing.

It would be hard. Supposing he is riddled with guilt which may manifest as anger and resentment projected at you usually, do you think it would be easy? As for him taking her...you said he would be making and a$$hole of himself. Let him then. That is not always a bad thing. He's got to fall and he's got to pick himself up.

You need to drop it. I know it's not easy; I've been there. You are trying to give him space, I realize that. But TRYING presupposes failure. Those conversations were not space giving. And reminding him you are trying to give him space can negate the space. The best gift is the one without a reminder.

I need to know how do you find the strength and keep going? I feel i cannot go any deeper in my sole and find the heart to keep up with this. I don't want to give up, i want my marriage I want my H and i to start over with a clean slate. But how do i find the strength. I feel I have no more to give. I taped myself out, my heart is drained, and my sole is empty.

It's about that goal of yours; self-esteem. I'll talk about that after going through this thread and responding to quotes. Until you give to you Self, you will continue to have no more to give.

My tank is empty, my heart hurts, and my sole is broken. But I don't know how, or why but I still love him, and still want a marriage with him.

It is time you start filling your own tank. It is not your husband's job to make you happy, only you can do that. Soulmates you may be, but are you going to drowned with him? Be the lighthouse instead. AS the drowning swimmer, he can see your light and WHEN READY swim toward you.

It's really cool for folks to say 'detach and let go'....but in a sense that is not possible. What IS helpful is to follow your passions. Let it make you happy and glow. Then 'detachment' or whatever they want to call it follows.

This is so true. WE all think detachment takes work and effort and it is something we do. But really it is a natural result of other finding ourselves and learning to choose happiness. Detachment is then something that happens.

it seems anything i do does not hurt him, and that gets to me, he hurts me, but i cannot do anything to hurt him.

You do not know that he is not hurting--from your behaviour or more likely and hopefully his own. It is not your job to do anything to hurt him, he's doing a good enough job on his own. But many are good at hiding it--particularly those in affairs. They self-medicate to deaden and hide the pain--OWs are self-medication. while on a high, he will not seem hurt to you and maybe not even to himself.

I have been trying to shock and awe as you say, but what more can i do for him to see.

Shock & Awe is a great technique, but consider it is not where you are. You motivations are to get him to notice. Right now you need to be focusing on yourself, not him. AS you focus on yourself and change, he will make the choice to pay attention or not--and he will only do it when he is ready. You can be perfect and it will not matter until he is ready. Do everything for your Self first.

I told him i was wrong with things i admit it, i had problems, but you don't see the wonderful changes that are and have happened to me on the inside.
...How do i not push him, There was no pushing today, just pure honesty, thats all

As I review some of your conversation, I will show how you may have pushed and how you can at times say almost the same things without the pressure.

Admitting you were wrong, apologizing and listing what you are sorry for are great. The problem comes when you point out how you have changed or are changing, or criticize him for not seeing, or not believing.

First, your changes are for you, not him. So whether he notices or not should not be the greater importance. You were also in a way telling him what he should pay attention to (your changes), how to interpret it and criticizing him for not doing this. That will be perceived as controlling, nagging and pressure.

I told him I don't appreciate what you are doing to me, I don't think it is fair, I would never do this to you.

This was tooting your horn at his expense--I'm better than you because I wouldn't have acted as you are acting. When someone does this to me, it doesn't endear them; I resent them.

I said you blame me for not having your children, or think I did not want to. Told him I was scared but work thru it. I said you blame me for not moving on with my career, I told him the job change I wanted was to be a mom.

The children issue was one for me and Sweetheart also. It sounds to me like you are trying to apoligize--not for what you did or didn't do but for what he FEELS you did or didn't do. You are trying to validate...so what went wrong?
Instead of listing what went wrong, let's try and think what you could have said--it's better to focus on what to do rather than what to avoid.

You accused him of blaming you rather than apologizing.
I'm sorry you felt I didn't want children. I'm sorry I was scared. This isn't your fault. Do you feel you held me back in my career, because you didn't. I'm sorry if that is how you feel. I'm sorry if I disappointed you and did not become a... But the thing I've wanted to be the most is the mother of your children.

This may or may not be a good idea. I did it twice--the children stuff was in the beginning and I did the job stuff about 15 months later. I told him I was sorry he felt I put having children above him. I hadn't known he felt that way until my brother pointed it out after hearing what I was saying. The next year I realized he had been counting on me to become a Dr. When we began dating I was considering med school--not seriously or unseriously, but I was a Bio major and was interested. Instead I am a writer--that's something like starving artist.

I am not sorry that I chose to be a writer, but I a sorry that he felt let down. I do not feel responsible, my apology was a validation of his feelings--an I'm sorry you feel that way.

Spoke again about the good things in me that have changed, things that you cannot see, but will be able to see if you work at it with me.quote] Again, this may be perceived as controlling. You are telling him what is great about you rather than allowing him to discover it on his own. Telling can be manipulative--there may be other things which you aren't telling, so you are directing him only to certain things.

Showing is real. Because it is acting in a certain way without forcing the other person to see--they choose to see or not.

[quote]H just stood there the whole time, with a look on his face like she is talking like the teacher from charlie brown wa, wah wah wa.

I bet he did. What does that tell you about his presence? This is also indicative that he may have been feeling nagged or controlled and thus he was tuning you out.

he was sorry for hurting me, (which I dont believe)

Why? Because he doesn't APPEAR hurt to you. Appearances can be deceptive. Because he is mean, angry, silent, unemotional...to you? How would you act if you were trying to get someone out of your life who refused to go? You might think, If I'm mean she will know I mean it. Or If I'm mean, she'll fight with me and I can leave then--justification.

How do I show him i want to be with him, how do i show him here is where he belongs

You don't. He must choose. What if he doesn't belong at home with you. What if he belongs alone? You've got to let it go and let him choose. He knew how you felt--it is part of why he is feeling so burdened.

How am i wrong? H needs to know how he is being disrespectiful to me?

He knows this already, but if that is what he needs to know, why not say that...
But then what?
What are the consequences of his disrespect?
If you tell him without making some sort of boundary, does it change anything?

When he said he would see you tomorrow, was it because he was going to stay with the OW, or because he would be home so late that he wouldn't see you until the next day?

If it was because he was going to be with the OW and was thus openly admitting that was what he would be doing...what do you think should be the consequences of such OPEN action?

I will tell you how I handled this, BUT different things work for different couples AND when I did it, Sweetheart was farther along.

It was The week after Christmas 2005. Sweetheart had been home since November. The OW texted that she needed to go to the emergency room because she was having severe cramping...and he needed to take her. We live 20 minutes away, her Dad lived three houses away. She could have called an ambulance too.

Now I want to point out, she was not faking and I did not think she was faking because she'd been having some problems. She knew Sweetheart was home with me. He 'played' with her texting back and forth for about 30 minutes--stalling. It old him the only way I would let him go was if I also went--yeah right! Otherwise he could go, but the doors would be locked when he left and he would not be let back in that evening. I knew that meant he would be staying with her. I was taught to share, but there are limits. On that occasion, I let him come home in the morning. He left to live with her (again) a few days later. I did not kick him out, but instead I told him if he chose to be with her, he was thus choosing to not be with me and was not welcome to me or to live in our home--thus he chose to leave. At that time, he wantd to date her and live with me.

I didn't want him to leave, but I was also not going to give him that much cake to eat.

sgctxok is right, it is time to go completely Dark. No Contact will be difficult in the same house, but go Dark. If he leaves, go No Contact...
Going Dark is not soemthing I communicated with Sweetheart, but No Contact was an official boundary rule and it is necessary that everyone know the rules. I went No Contact the times he moved out. I told him he could call and leave a message, that I would always check them and would respond only if it seemed necesary. He could do the same with texting and email.
I did not call or text him unless it was in response to him doing so first or something necessary had come up--such as when our Kitty died and he I told him to cancel the order for her Meds. At the same time I let him know I would be there if he needed a shoulder, but I was not there to be his toy.

He knew the rules. I also expected that he would try to break them and get me to break them. And he did, that was all part of the process. My job was to be firm and yet felxible, there were times when I broke the rules and I changed them too--always with a reason and telling him, otherwise I would seem a control freak who cahnged things on whim.

How is h ever going to know the changes i have made or that I am willing to change for him. someone has to get thur to him better it be me than her.

Your changes need to be for you, not him. Though in the beginning you should test how many of the changes he wants...because you will often find you like them. If you do not like them, don't keep them up.
No someone doesn't have to get through to him--at least not someone other than his own Self and God. Drop it! Let God take over. And God will not be working on your Timeline, so another goal you can add is Patience.

She is superficial, I am the real thing, who will love him thru thick and thin. better or worse

Prove this by being unconditionally forgiving and loving--and Tough Love is a part of that. Laying across the doormat is not an act of love but of needy desperation.

But he must discover it for himself.

SG, h know what makes him happy, and i feel i can make him happy, he was once happy with me. We can make that happen again.

I am sorry, but you cannot make your husband happy. You can make no one happy accept yourself. His happiness is his responsibility and his choice.

I feel how does someone know what you feel if you don't tell them the truth?

So waht you are saying is you fel you should pressure and burden a man who is likely already burdened with immense guilt over his treatment of you by telling him what he already knows?

And feelings are shown, not told. Right now he is not accepting of Eros, but Agape is something you should always be showing.

I know today he will tell me he does not want to continue in this marriage.

I know today he will tell me he is going to fla for xmas.

So what you are saying is you are going to Act as if he is going to tell you these things? Do something different. Act as if you are happy and he is simply arriving home to tell you...whatever, someting good, netural, something that doesn't matter.

And so he may go to Fla for Christmas. What good things does that mean for you?

It can be Space and DB good, but what else? Maybe he likes to do something a certain way and now you can do it your way for those days! Find the positives; they are there.

So I cannot say i don't agree with ending this marriage. its ok for him to make my decision for me, without me having a say

Excuse me? That makes absolutely no sense. You are a separate person from your husband; you get choose to agree or disagree. That doesn't mean you can legally stop a divorce, we're nto talking about that. You get to choose you feelings, beliefs and responses. Yes, you can flat out say you don't agree. I did.

I'm sorry Sweetheart but I do not think that is what is best for either of us. I realize you feel it is best. Do what you feel is right, but Im will also do what I feel is right.

I also took the I don't believe in divorce route.

All i want to say about him going to fla is if you feel you need to go to clear you head and it will bring you back to me than i cannot and will not stop you.

cant say that either can i

Sure you can, the question is Should you?

Actually, you;ve got a few good things in there. You are right that you cannot stop him, and you are validating when you refernce clearing his head. Take out the part about it bringing him back to you.

if you feel you need to go to clear you head and, i will not stop you.

Though it is true you cannot stop him, by saying will not you are showing that you are choosing to not stop him. You can try, but you won't.

So am i to give in, and just agree with him, that if he wants a divorce just say yes and give in.

Me either. Why would you do that if it is not what you want? You have some advantages (like me) that others do not have. We don't have kids (yet). I didn't have the same financial concerns, or communication and visitation issues. You don't have to deal with your own emotional cycling AND that of your children. Many out there file or do not contest for divorce because they need the money for their children; we don;t have that problem. Money may still be an issue--Sweetheart and I now make about 30K less due to this, we live paycheck to paycheck. But it could have been worse.

As for giving in, it is not the same as giving up. Giving in is when you accept that some part of something will not go the way you want, but the other way and you accept that. Some Standers do not contest the divorce so as to remain cordial. I contested, but there are other routes.

I feel i am at the end of the whole journey. and the road is gone in front of me, and the road behind me is washed away.

Good. That road wasn't well paved anyway. Build another road. That is waht you are doing with your therapy--self esteem goals.

So your goal is to have Self Esteem. How can you translate that into a measurable goal? What can you do so that you have self-esteem?

Getting a Life is how you focus on your Self.

Make a list of activities in these four categories
I've started with a few ideas.

• Spiritual
  Meditation
  Yoga
  Create something--Art
• Mental
  Read books
  Take a class
  Create something--Art
• Physical
  Gym--you are doing some to of this!
  Find the runner's high
  Yoga
• Social
  Take a class
  Next time you have tickets to a play, ask a friend.

I'm pasting something I wrote on another thread the other day. This comes from Michele's KLA Goal section integrated with Gary Faris' steps for PMA.

You have a large goal: Self Esteem. Now, create smaller, action-oriented, positively stated goals that lead to your larger goal.

• List What you are going to DO, not what you are going to avoid.
  But at the same time, the most successful people are motivated by BOTH toward and away motivations. Example: working toward a goal, success, achievement AND away from depression, separation etc.
  How will you know you are reaching these goals? What measurable signs will you see as evidence?
• Small goals lead to larger goals. Though you have a future goal, keep your focus on each present moment without forgetting the Future goal.
  Reward yourself for the small milestones so as not to become stuck when you view the as yet unrealized larger goal. The Future goal is a reminder of the rewards to come.
• Take control of your success. You and BFM are a team. Work together, and control only yourselves, not each other. You get to be an active participant in this Life!
• As you progress, compare yourself only to your own situation. You may progress faster than or slower than others. Each persons pace is different.
  If you feel you are not progressing fast enough, look back at how far you have come.
  Recognize your achievements thus far and rejoice.

So what are your goals?

Self-Esteem is a good goal, but it isn't tangible. How can you make that concrete. How will you be feeling about yourself when you have better self esteem? What will you be doing differently?

You mentioned that some days you feel you have better self-esteem than others. What is different about those days? What are you doing differently?

Yes, you need to go Dark. But right now that is for YOU. You are too emotionally attached. All of those tactics and techniques you want to try out to get him to change himself, his mind or notice your changes... they are meaningless until you find your Self.

HUGS,
RCR

[phbear316]

Jeanette, SG, Jenny

I want to start off with, my heart fills with love for all of you. You guys know how to pick me up dust me off, and stand me back up.

RCR I did not forget about you either, but you have such a long post I need to really read and answer it. I will I promise.

Ok so here is the update of what happened today. When I finished posting here, I went down stairs to start the laundry, I then decided to put out the new bird feeder i purchased yesterday. I have only the house phone with me. I wanted to call my mom to wish her a nice time at at party today. The phone rings it is H, i do not answer. I had to run back into the house, my cell phone is ringing, its H. I would not answer. I call my mom, h calls again, and again I do not answer. I'm on the phone with mom, telling her what h's new antics were. Told her about aunt, etc. (side note mom was happy i went to church.) All of a sudden H shows up in the yard for I wanted to move the leaves from the door and side of the house, so I just started raking. I say hi, and I turned around and started to talk to my mom. All of a sudden h comes out again, and heads towards the shed and gets the leaf blower. We rake leaves. I barely talk. H is the one initiating conversation, not me. I refused to ask how the wedding was. We are outside for like an hour. H wants to fix the birdfeeder that the squirrls broke. I said I'm sure you can figure out something.

Then we come inside, I snuggle up on the love seat, because i am cold and this cold is getting the better of me. All of a sudden h sits on the couch and says, I was thinking, I know hold on to your hat (joke we have) do you think the tree would look ok over here? (right at that moment i felt like i overdosed on cold meds, but i did not take anything) I said I guess it would work, only question is where would we use a plug from. H says there is one behind the couch here we can use. Ok is my answer. H and I start to watch tv. Some time passes, and h says do you want to go now or in a little while for a tree. I said we can go after this program you are watching is over. I say are you sure you want to get a tree, his answer is yes. Ok, i don't get this is going thru my mind. I get changed and we head off to the place we always go and it takes no time to find a tree, bring it home and put it up.

It was very hard, Thou I am proud of myself I only cried once, when I put the 1st christmas together ornament up. H also puts up snowflake lights that i had bought last night in the front window. I did not ask him, h just started to do it. I did not stop him.

After we are done, h says what do you want for dinner, I said, i did not plan anything to cook, because I did not know what time you would be home today. I made dinner, which h said he enjoyed. We are done with dinner, h says I don't think its worth saving that little bit of beef. I said you could you eat it? H says no, in a way he used to talk to me, no i made a piglet out of myself, belly too full. Ok who is this man in my house. H cleans up the dinner dishes loads them in the washer.

H falls asleep on couch, I wake him up at 10:30 h has to be at work at 11p. H asks if I could put his coffee in a travel mug. Sure i say. H makes himself some leftovers for a snack later and asks if it is ok if he leaves my truck in the driveway. I said i did not have any issue with this. I get a kiss and a light hug from h. I say thank you for the day it was nice.

Now gang, WHO is this man, I don't understand what is going on here. There was absolutely no talk like h said there was to be done today. Not that I am complaining about it. I am kinda glad in my heart that it did not happen today. My feeling is he is in an absolute confused state. Do you agree? Or is he just shutting down more. I feel today with the tree issue was pure guilt, because I said sat, the you have made a decision that there is not christmas here, I did not have a say. you made the decision you have taken control over the holidays. So I know the tree is a guilt move on his part. You know the sad thing, I am sitting here looking at the tree and I feel both sadness and nothing, truly nothing. Why? I am so confused as to why this happened.

Input?

Sg hope your cold gets better,
I feel a special attachment to all of you, and I thank god every night that you have all come into my life

Hugs
Bear

[phbear316]

Jeanette

I know what you are saying, I have to let h go to fla, I cannot stop him, I cannot tell him what to do or not to do. H won't listen to me anyway. You see that he still does things with me and this is where my confusion lies. He want contact, and wants to do things and then he spins off, and then does not want do anything. and pulls the cr&p like saturday night, then today puts up a tree?

Guilt was speaking today. Truly was. I wish honesty would start to talk, but i know I am asking for something impossible right now.

I am still standing by my belief that I don not want a divorce. . All i can do is just let go and put it all out on the table, tell him if he talks I'm sorry you feel that way about things. And just put the flower on top of the water and let it float away. Hoping the waves will bring it back to shores of my heart, and not take it out to sea to be lost forever.

Hugs and love
bear

[sgctxok]

Who knows...but I've been praying for you....and today was a gift.

You did an amazing job today. Just amazing.

[Lkyguy]

prayer isnt the least you can do for somebody its the most you can do...GOD bless you all